Thursday, October 08, 2009
Good morning, ladies (and gentlemen)!
Most of you are in a deep sleep when I'm writing this but for me it's morning already, and I'm having breakfast (a banana, some low-fat yogurt with muesli, and chamomile tea) and getting ready for school. I only have one 45-minute lecture today. It's grammar. GRAMMAR. I can't even begin to describe how much I hate all kinds of pointless grammatical rules, I couldn't care less. As long as I know how to speak, read and write English - and I think I do - that's fine with me. But no, studying here is all about the grammatical rules and the phonemes and whatnot. One of our professors told us that she has spent the past 15 years studying and examining the letter (or should I say, the PHONEME, the sound) of /i/. Can you believe that? And she's so passionate about it, too.
Anyway, enough about that. I'm feeling much better today. When I get home from school I need to pack since I'm going home for Tommi's grandmother's funeral. She had been very sick for years so, as sad as it is, it's also a sort of relief that she doesn't have to suffer anymore.
It's good to go home and spend time with my family, I haven't seen them in a long time and I really miss them. I only have a week left before midterm and the 8th week (which is always a week off, I can't wait!). Tommi has a fall break at the same time so we're planning to go on a little vacation together. It'll be so much fun!
Okay, I better start getting ready. See you later!
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I am so grateful for your kind, encouraging words. I didn't really expect anyone to comment since I haven't been updating in a long time. I really, truly appreciate that so many of you took the time to leave a comment on my blog, it means the world to me.
For the first time in a long time, it feels like I'm not alone with this anymore. It's such a relief. Ever since this morning that I posted my previous entry, I have been feeling a lot better. I feel as though there is light at the end of the tunnel. I have been doing a lot of soul searching today and reading through Wellness articles here on Sparks.
The hopelessness is beginning to fade. Slowly but surely. I know that I have to be strong now. And I realize that this is my life and I have to start living it for myself and stop worrying so much about what other people think of me. Life is much too short for that. Ever since my childhood I have let other people manipulate me and tell me what to do, what to want, what to dream of. It's about time to stop and take a long, hard look at myself. I'm not going to waste my life being sad or doing something I deep down inside don't feel like doing. It's just not worth it.
I'm not giving up. I'll get back on the right track and start taking better care of myself again. I'll stop binging and start working out regularly again (thankfully I've still been walking at least 70 minutes every day to campus and back!). I'm giving myself a year at the Uni studying English philology even though I can't stand it, and if I still hate it next spring, I'll apply somewhere else. I would really love to be a make-up artist or a cosmetician so that's one option if I decide to change schools. We'll see.
The main thing is, there is always an option. I'm not stuck here even though I might feel like it at times. I'm the only one standing in my way. I can make the choices that affect my life. I can decide to be who I am and be happy. And I will.
Thank you, once again, for being so amazing. I'm thanking God for all of you.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
I'm going to be completely honest.
The two months I've spent here have been extremely difficult for me. I constantly feel like I'm at my breaking point, but I can't say that to anyone because I always want to make people proud and I'm scared to death of letting them down. When people ask me how I'm doing, I always say I'm fine. Deep down, I'm not fine. I haven't been fine in months.
Moving here was a big change for me. I was very scared of living alone in a new town, starting school and meeting new people. I was worried that maybe I had made a wrong choice coming here in the first place - I just kind of drifted here, my parents always wanted me to go to University, and ever since I was a child I've been trying my hardest to live up to their expectations. I don't know what I want - or maybe I do, but I've been pushing it aside for so long that I don't even remember what it is. This is making very little sense but I'll try and explain.
The only reason why I applied here to study English philology was that I want to move abroad and be as fluent in English as possible. I'm not at all interested about the history of the English language or linguistics or phonetics or grammar - and basically, that's what the five-year study program consists of. Five years (or at the rate I'm going, even more)! After the first week, I felt like I had made a big mistake. I'm not interested in learning about the language, it's all so theoretic and dull, I just want to speak it. I keep thinking that maybe I should have gone to the beauty school instead. I just thought that everyone expected me to choose Uni over some beauty school, so I came here. And now I'm stuck here.
I've been so unhappy for weeks now. Every morning I have to force myself out of bed, LITERALLY. I don't know what I want to do. I feel like I'm constantly searching my place in the world without any luck. I just want to be happy. I want to get married and have a family and write novels and poems, but it feels as though that's not enough, the society wants much more. It's all about success. I hate that.
I'm sorry this entry is such a mess. It's just that I have all these thoughts inside my head that I haven't told anyone, and I feel like my head is about to explode.
There is something else, too. A couple of weeks before and after I moved here, I had a relapse. And I'm talking about bulimia. I thought I had recovered, there was nothing wrong for over a year. I was so happy last year, healthy, strong, balanced. And suddenly, when I was going into unfamiliar territory, I fell back into old habits. Maybe it was because it was something familiar and 'safe' (it's difficult to explain if you've never experienced it), maybe it was because I was so very sad and lonely and felt like I didn't belong.
It's over now, has been for a month, but I can't stop eating. I have probably gained almost ten pounds while I've been here. I feel exhausted, mentally and physically. I feel like something has to change or I'm going to break.
I just don't know what to do.
Writing this down made me feel a little better. I skipped all my classes yesterday and just stayed in bed crying and writing poems.
It's not supposed to be this hard.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I thought it would be nice to post a few pictures of my new home. Remember, it's nothing luxurious since I'm a student with a limited budget - but I think it turned out pretty nice. There are a few things missing, some plants, a few pictures up from the walls. When I have more money I'll focus on getting everything ready.
The windowsills are wide enough for me to sit on! I love that. And I love my little apartment, I think it's beautiful.
Some day when I have time, I'll take my camera and take a few pictures of the city and the building where I live.
I've had a lovely Sunday. I went shopping (AGAIN; I know, I know, I shouldn't. AND I won't, I promised myself to take it easy from now on. It's just so comforting to shop especially now that I feel lonely all the time and miss my family and Tommi. But I know it doesn't help so I'll stop.). Tomorrow my lectures finally start for real and the tutoring period is over. I'm so ready!
Hope you're all enjoying your weekend!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
So, here's the deal. I consider myself an open and fun person. I am certainly not the loudest, the most adventurous or spontaneous, or the most talkative person among strangers or people I don't yet know very well. But I'm neither shy nor quiet. I've always had lots of friends and I have always been rather popular among my class. I don't want to sound like a big narcist but I just think I'm a nice person to hang out with.
Turns out, the people in my tutor group - including my tutor - do not seem to think so. Let me elaborate: ever since the tutor meeting started last week, there have been parties all the time. Parties that include lots of drinking and going to bars and pubs and last till morning. Now, that's not really my thing. I don't like drinking. I don't even like partying that much, at least not in packed bars or night clubs. I'd rather spend time with my friends at their place or something. I don't know if this is because I'm engaged and don't feel the need to meet new people (men). There is also an underlying reason for why I don't get drunk: I don't want to drink, because in the past, I have found myself drinking too much and too often. I have a very addictive personality, so I figure it's better to stay away from alcohol altogether. Anyway, last Thursday we were having another tutor meeting. I have tried to be open, I have went up to people to make small talk. I've been trying, really. At one point, I realized that they didn't remember my name. There are only 12 people in one tutor group so it's not that many. It hurt. They were all asking me why I hadn't been to any of their parties and going on and on about a big party that would be held at one of the girls' place that night. I decided to go, just so that they would shut up and stop whining, just so that they might remember my name. Just so that I might happen to find a friend.
It was a disaster. When I arrived to the party, there were only a few people there at that time. It was still a little early. I said hi to my tutor when I walked in, and GET THIS: she looked at me, and then looked away, didn't say a thing. I don't know what her problem is but she just flat out doesn't like me. She spent the entire evening laughing with the other girls from our group but when I said something, she completely ignored it. As did everyone else. I felt like I was invisible. At one point, I almost started laughing, it was so ridiculous and completely absurd. When I said something a million times, nobody heard me (and I shouted, literally). When the boy sitting next to me said something, they immediately heard him. When they decided to play a board game, I shouted on the top of my lungs many times that I wanted to play as well. Nobody heard/cared. Finally, I was invited to play, but it turned out I didn't have a pair. Someone asked: "Does anyone want to be Anne-Maija's pair?" Silence. IT FELT LIKE A HUGE JOKE! Like I had some kind of a contagious disease! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO THEM? I don't get it!
I left the party early.
Oh, and also, I found out that my tutor is just an evil person. While we were there, she kept making fun of people who hadn't shown up at the party. There's a very sweet woman on our group who doesn't drink, and she kept mocking her openly to others. Can you believe that?? She is supposed to be a mature adult! Although, she is a year younger than me which feels a little odd.
While I was walking home that night, I realized something. I don't care if I don't fit in to their group. I don't care that I'm not like them. I'm glad my friends aren't like them: I'm glad they are considerate, kind and mature. I'm glad I don't drink because alcohol just makes people act in ugly ways. (I mean, I do have a glass of wine occasionally - that to me is completely natural, but I don't get wasted drinking booze or whatever, that's not my thing). I'm not going to worry about why they don't think of me as their friend. I don't care. I know I'll meet people here in Turku that are like me. People I will eventually come to call friends.
I'm better off.
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