Monday, April 13, 2009
Okay, here's the deal. I'm in trouble. As a student with no job, my budget is pretty limited. The Finnish welfare system helps students out by supporting their studies financially (I get 512 dollars month) and I also got a student loan from the bank last October (3550 dollars for this entire year). My studies cost me about 400 dollars a month and my half of the rent is 290 dollars. When we moved here in August of last year I decided to be a grown-up and take good care of my financial situations. At first, things went well. Sure, I realized that I was shopping a lot more than before but I figured that wasn't a problem. Before I lost weight I never went shopping because the clothes didn't fit properly so I figured I deserved to buy myself nice clothes after all the hard work that finally paid off. I've always been a bit of a perfectionist - I want to look my best at all times, wear the prettiest clothes, have the thickest hair, be the smartest student on my class. It's exhausting. I think my perfectionism is a part of the reason I am in this mess right now.
My situation right now is that I'm broke. I have no money on my bank account. My student loan is gone. I've spent it all. Every single penny. On clothes, shoes, make up, bags, perfumes... Sure, I've been paying my half of the rent and groceries and my monthly school payments and other bills but I've spent way too much on clothes. I've been in denial for months but today was my wake-up call. I read an article here on SparkPeople about compulsive spending and it really hit home for me. I think I have a problem.
The truth is, lately I've been lying to people about how much money I spend on clothes. I've even hidden some of the things I've bought because I was so ashamed I bought them even though I don't have the money. I've bought clothes I almost never wear and loads of things I don't need. I get blackouts after shopping and I don't even know how much I've spent until I go through the receipts. It's this euphoric rush I get when I'm shopping - it makes me feel beautiful and stylish and happy and mature and alive. And when I come home and realize what I've done I hate myself for it. I feel so ashamed and anxious and stressed because I know I shouldn't have done what I did. And, sooner or later, I go do it all over again. I need more and more to get the original high - I'm like a drug addict. I shop more and more often. I spend more money. I'm out of control! And I know it's not fair. I owe Tommi 3000 dollars already and now I can't even pay my half of the rent. I don't know what to do! I can't work in the evenings because I have to spend all my free time studying for the entrance exams that take place in five different universities in a month! I have eight thick books to read and memorize so I just can't work. I've talked to Tommi about this and he was really sweet and understandable. He didn't judge me at all and he wasn't mad. He said he'd take care of me till I'm back on my feet again. I promised him I'd get help for my problem and I will. I have a therapy session once a month (just a check-up because of my recovery from bulimia) and I'll definitely bring this up when I go there. I haven't told my therapist about this yet even though she asked me. I was in denial.
I think I moved from food addiction to another addiction. And now I have to get rid of it. It could ruin my life! I don't know why this happened... And I never really realized it was going on. Well, actually I think I did but I just looked the other way and didn't want to face the problem. But I am facing it now and I want to get rid of it. The good thing is I don't even have money so I won't be able to buy anything. (Actually, that's not a good thing. But you just gotta stay positive sometimes...)
Ok, that's it. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm off to bed now. Tomorrow will be my fresh start! And I'll also eat much, much healthier and lighter than today.
SWEET DREAMS EVERYONE! I'm ready for bed!