Saturday, April 04, 2009
That's me today. High heels, skinny jeans, black top and my new long necklace. Working those curves! HA! :)
Saturday, April 04, 2009
After reading a few eye-opening articles about motivation here on Sparks, I realized that the problem isn't the fact that I'm not motivated. Not at all. I still am determined to lose weight - I think about it all the time, I want it more than anything else. The problem is that I'm making really bad decisions at the moment. Everyone has two different sides to them: the hedonistic side that wants immediate gratification and is ready to give into cravings, and the other side that wants more abstract things, like weight loss, health, or to look more attractive. I've been giving into my hedonistic side lately. And to say that I lack motivation makes the problem worse because it makes it seem much more mysterious and out of my control. It makes me passive. I sit on the couch, eating popcorn and drinking soda, telling myself: "All I need is my motivation back and I'll be fine. I'll stop eating when I feel motivated again". Umm, excuse me? That's a load of crap. I AM motivated. The only problem is that I CHOSE to have popcorn and sit in front of the TV for hours on end instead of going for a walk and having something healthy to snack on. I made that choice, and I have to take responsibility for it. It may not have been a good decision, no. But it was my own valid, grown-up decision - and there are reasons behind why I made that choice.
The thing is, I have to get real about my situation. I make the decisions that make me or break me. You can't have your cake and eat it too - there has to be priorities in life. And right now my number one priority is getting in shape and becoming the healthy and happy young woman I know I really am. That means I have to stop blaming the lack of motivation for my relapse and be responsible for - and aware of - the choices I make along the way.
After all, I want to do this. I really want to lose weight and be healthy. I want to learn to follow a balanced meal plan and work out so that my body becomes strong and healthy. That'll feel so much better than having the entire cheesecake for dessert.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Ok, the title pretty much says it. Today is the day. No more excuses, no more putting it off. I'm starting over today. I don't want any more delays. Yesterday was a bit of a wake-up call for me. Some of my friends and I went on a cruise and a shopping spree to Tallinn, Estonia. Everyone was laughing and having a great time (including me, to some extent) but deep down inside I could hear this voice saying to me: "You look fat you look fat you look fat". And I felt sad and, well, fat, the entire time we were there. It ruined the day for me. We took a lot of pictures and I kept comparing myself to the other girls (who, of course, looked much better and thinner to me). This morning I went through the pictures we took and almost burst into tears. I don't like the way I look. I know I haven't probably gained weight (at least not that much) during this little downfall but I just feel a million times bigger now that I haven't been taking care of myself. And when I looked at the pictures, all I could see was flaws everywhere. I know that when things are going well I don't do that. I'm not usually that hard on myself when I'm going into the right direction.
But anyway, my point is that I don't want to deal with this negativity anymore. This reminds me of last spring when I was at my highest weight and felt like this the entire time. I don't want to go back to that, EVER. I don't care what it takes but I will not let myself fall that far. I've had enough. I'm going to turn this around right now. It takes a lot of strength but I know I can do it. I'll plan ahead for a few days, shop for healthy foods and snacks, go out for walks, work out, update my SparkPage and be active on the MessageBoards and read articles and just FIND MY WAY AND MOTIVATION. Because that's what I really want. I don't want to feel this bad anymore. I was doing so well before this relapse. But I forgive myself for falling back into the old bad habits. It just kind of reminded me of what I really want from my life and what I never want to experience again. After all, maybe this was a much needed wake-up call and a useful lesson to learn. I'm glad I now know what I want and I will definitely go out and get it.
I'll update again later with some goals and ideas for a healthy new way of life!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Ahhh I'm so mad at myself right now!! This is so frustrating! What the hell is the matter with me? I feel miserable AND FAT ... I HAVEN'T: worked out, followed my meal plan, tracked my food or exercise, been active on Sparks or made healthy decisions. I HAVE, however: been lazy, given into my cravings, eaten too much, eaten for wrong reasons, ignored the fact that living this way makes me feel so incredibly sad and miserable. WHY ON EARTH DO I FIND MYSELF IN THIS SITUATION? Again?! I should know better already! I should be stronger than this. I hate this so much!
I don't know if I've gained weight. That's not even the point. The point is that I FEEL FAT and sad and lazy and hopeless and desperate. When I work out and eat healthy (and not too much) I feel so amazing - and so beautiful and sexy, too. It's because I know I'm going into the right direction. I know I'm doing something to get in shape and feel better about myself. But now I just feel lazy and guilty for not doing all those things that made me feel good. What made me relapse? I don't even know. I didn't log in here for a few days and suddenly, before I even knew it, I found myself stuffing my face with pizza and chocolate and whatnot.
BUT I KNOW I SHOULD NOT BEAT MYSELF UP FOR THIS. I know. I'm only human, it happens to the best of us. I should NOT let this get me down. And you know what? I'm not going to! That just doesn't help AT ALL. I want to get back on track TODAY and start making those healthy decisions again. It's okay. I still have time before summer (to get in shape for a bikini!) and, in fact, I'm not in a hurry. I don't care how long it takes, I don't care if it's just baby steps. AS LONG AS I KNOW I'M NOT STANDING STILL - or worse: moving backwards.
I'm going to be active here from now on (because, as I've said a million times, it helps me so very much to stay on the right track). I want to get down to 130 pounds, work out regularly and follow my meal plan. I don't want to get back to where I once was - weight wise and mood wise. I want to be happy and feel beautiful - AND TO BE PROUD OF MYSELF AGAIN!
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