Sunday, April 05, 2009
Today was such a lovely, relaxing day. I got back on track, had a great time with my baby, made healthy veggie soup for dinner and just enjoyed myself. Now I better get ready for bed - school starts at 10 am tomorrow morning. Back to the usual routines! Easter is right around the corner already though and I got at least Good Friday off - maybe even Thursday as well! We'll see. Anyway, I'm off to bed now. Sweet dreams everyone!
That's me earlier today. I took picture's of today's outfit but I didn't have time to upload them on the laptop. Maybe I'll just post them tomorrow - or maybe not!
Saturday, April 04, 2009
That's me today. High heels, skinny jeans, black top and my new long necklace. Working those curves! HA! :)
Saturday, April 04, 2009
After reading a few eye-opening articles about motivation here on Sparks, I realized that the problem isn't the fact that I'm not motivated. Not at all. I still am determined to lose weight - I think about it all the time, I want it more than anything else. The problem is that I'm making really bad decisions at the moment. Everyone has two different sides to them: the hedonistic side that wants immediate gratification and is ready to give into cravings, and the other side that wants more abstract things, like weight loss, health, or to look more attractive. I've been giving into my hedonistic side lately. And to say that I lack motivation makes the problem worse because it makes it seem much more mysterious and out of my control. It makes me passive. I sit on the couch, eating popcorn and drinking soda, telling myself: "All I need is my motivation back and I'll be fine. I'll stop eating when I feel motivated again". Umm, excuse me? That's a load of crap. I AM motivated. The only problem is that I CHOSE to have popcorn and sit in front of the TV for hours on end instead of going for a walk and having something healthy to snack on. I made that choice, and I have to take responsibility for it. It may not have been a good decision, no. But it was my own valid, grown-up decision - and there are reasons behind why I made that choice.
The thing is, I have to get real about my situation. I make the decisions that make me or break me. You can't have your cake and eat it too - there has to be priorities in life. And right now my number one priority is getting in shape and becoming the healthy and happy young woman I know I really am. That means I have to stop blaming the lack of motivation for my relapse and be responsible for - and aware of - the choices I make along the way.
After all, I want to do this. I really want to lose weight and be healthy. I want to learn to follow a balanced meal plan and work out so that my body becomes strong and healthy. That'll feel so much better than having the entire cheesecake for dessert.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Ok, the title pretty much says it. Today is the day. No more excuses, no more putting it off. I'm starting over today. I don't want any more delays. Yesterday was a bit of a wake-up call for me. Some of my friends and I went on a cruise and a shopping spree to Tallinn, Estonia. Everyone was laughing and having a great time (including me, to some extent) but deep down inside I could hear this voice saying to me: "You look fat you look fat you look fat". And I felt sad and, well, fat, the entire time we were there. It ruined the day for me. We took a lot of pictures and I kept comparing myself to the other girls (who, of course, looked much better and thinner to me). This morning I went through the pictures we took and almost burst into tears. I don't like the way I look. I know I haven't probably gained weight (at least not that much) during this little downfall but I just feel a million times bigger now that I haven't been taking care of myself. And when I looked at the pictures, all I could see was flaws everywhere. I know that when things are going well I don't do that. I'm not usually that hard on myself when I'm going into the right direction.
But anyway, my point is that I don't want to deal with this negativity anymore. This reminds me of last spring when I was at my highest weight and felt like this the entire time. I don't want to go back to that, EVER. I don't care what it takes but I will not let myself fall that far. I've had enough. I'm going to turn this around right now. It takes a lot of strength but I know I can do it. I'll plan ahead for a few days, shop for healthy foods and snacks, go out for walks, work out, update my SparkPage and be active on the MessageBoards and read articles and just FIND MY WAY AND MOTIVATION. Because that's what I really want. I don't want to feel this bad anymore. I was doing so well before this relapse. But I forgive myself for falling back into the old bad habits. It just kind of reminded me of what I really want from my life and what I never want to experience again. After all, maybe this was a much needed wake-up call and a useful lesson to learn. I'm glad I now know what I want and I will definitely go out and get it.
I'll update again later with some goals and ideas for a healthy new way of life!
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