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MUSICALJESSICA's Recent Blog Entries
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Wednesday, September 05, 2012
Something within me clicked yesterday. I don't know if it was something I ate, or something off the TV or what someone said to me -- I literally have no clue what made it click, but I'm so glad it did.
I have always been at least a little chubby. And it was always so easy to blame someone else; the £2 my dad gave me every day after school to buy sweets with; having a takeaway every week at my mum’s house, and then the takeaway every weekend at my dad’s; the heartbreak when my mum deserted me when I was a teenager, and then when the bullying from my stepmother while I was growing up; aged 17, being locked out of my own house until it turned dark and scrabbling together coppers to buy a packet of biscuits with my sister because they were cheap, and we were hungry; meeting my boyfriend and enjoying each other’s company with a pizza; getting a job at McDonalds and being allowed free food on my break… It is always easier to blame everyone else.
What finally clicked is that it is all me. Yes. I have felt sad, and I have felt good. I’ve felt lazy, and I’ve felt hungry for no reason. I’ve been ill, and I’ve been full of the joys of spring. And I’ve always thought that those emotions are the reason why I’ve eaten myself into this state. But they aren’t. The reason I have eaten so much that I’m now over 17 stone is because I’ve not said no. Feelings didn’t make me fat. That mindless motion of lifting my fork to my mouth over and over made me fat.
I made me fat.
Not my selfish mother. Not my bully of a step-mum. Not my lovely boyfriend. Not my dad who wanted to buy my love and happiness. It was me.
I made me fat. And I’ll make me fit again.
I think now that I have clicked with that things are going to be easier. I won’t blame that chocolate bar on a hard day at work – it is my choice. I won’t get that chip-shop tea because someone else decided that is what we’re having – I can always make something healthy. I won’t miss that walk round the estate because there is a repeat of some TV show my boyfriend wants to watch – he can watch it, and I can go.
These are my choices, no one else’s. And I won’t blame anyone else ever again.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
It is funny how you set out with these BIG plans. (Exercise every day, eat a million portions of veg a day, drink 4billion gallons of water, etc......) and then by week 3 the main plan is to just get off your bum a bit more and not eat twelve chocolate biscuits.
I am seeing the numbers go down, I am feeling better and I'm feeling more in control but those milk chocolate digestives in the cupboard are still calling my name and looking delicious.
Monday, June 25, 2012
I have been struggling for the past few years with eating when I'm bored (as I spend quite alot of time at home on my own...) and am looking at ways to fight my boredom. If I am brutally honest with myself there is a lot to do around the house - as with the boredom, which has led to feeling a bit depressed - I have gotten very lazy. I put off ironing until theres no more room to cram it in, for example.
So the other night I sat and listed as many different things as I could think of that I could DO that aren't eating.
From trying a new hairstyle, having a bath and meditating, to cleaning the oven, weeding the garden and creating a memory box. I listed well over 100 things to occupy my time better than stuffing my face. I was thinking about printing the list off my laptop and cutting the things into little strips and treating it a little like a "lucky dip"!
However - on the upside I am feeling much happier in myself. I don't know if it is just the nutritious food, the numbers moving on the scale or the fact that my smart black trousers fit mroe comfortably - but I am a newer, more energetic, smiley and motivated person now.
I'm finally looking for the answers to my problems - rather than sitting back, watching tv and stuffing myself with chocolate while waiting for them to come round and fall into my lap. It is a good feeling to be taking back control of your life.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Every other Thursday is chippy night. Always have been, always will be. I was going to give it a miss as I'm feeling confident about my progress with weight loss and didn't want to screw it up - but for some reason I got pie, chips and gravy...
The chips were greasy, the gravy was lumpy and the pie was ever so slightly cold. That meal was 800 calories and 42g of fat of gross.
And then afterwards I felt like I had no energy again (like I used to feel ALL the time...) and had sudden cravings! So the junk made me want more junk - so I had another 250 calories worth of CHOCOLATE!!! and this morning my stomach felt incredibly ropey, and I just can't be bothered, and it REALLY wasn't worth it.
Maybe next time I'll just stick to my yummy chicken salad...
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
About 3 years ago I was exercising daily, eating well and lost alot of weight. When I met my boyfriend I was a sexy, happy size 12/14 and enjoyed treating myself to sexy underwear and revealing clothes because I was comfortable in my body. However all of that weight, and more, crept back on and now I am a hefty size 22 and daren't even look at sexy knickers anymore! I want granny pants that cover as much as possible.
I've just been going through my clothes and came across all those tiny little lacy pants and rather than throwing them out I've put them into a tub at eye level in my wardrobe. They are my goal. I remember how I felt about my body then, and I can't wait to feel that way again!
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