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MUSICALJESSICA's Recent Blog Entries

It's all me

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Something within me clicked yesterday. I don't know if it was something I ate, or something off the TV or what someone said to me -- I literally have no clue what made it click, but I'm so glad it did.

I have always been at least a little chubby. And it was always so easy to blame someone else; the £2 my dad gave me every day after school to buy sweets with; having a takeaway every week at my mumís house, and then the takeaway every weekend at my dadís; the heartbreak when my mum deserted me when I was a teenager, and then when the bullying from my stepmother while I was growing up; aged 17, being locked out of my own house until it turned dark and scrabbling together coppers to buy a packet of biscuits with my sister because they were cheap, and we were hungry; meeting my boyfriend and enjoying each otherís company with a pizza; getting a job at McDonalds and being allowed free food on my breakÖ It is always easier to blame everyone else.

What finally clicked is that it is all me. Yes. I have felt sad, and I have felt good. Iíve felt lazy, and Iíve felt hungry for no reason. Iíve been ill, and Iíve been full of the joys of spring. And Iíve always thought that those emotions are the reason why Iíve eaten myself into this state. But they arenít. The reason I have eaten so much that Iím now over 17 stone is because Iíve not said no. Feelings didnít make me fat. That mindless motion of lifting my fork to my mouth over and over made me fat.

I made me fat.

Not my selfish mother. Not my bully of a step-mum. Not my lovely boyfriend. Not my dad who wanted to buy my love and happiness. It was me.

I made me fat. And Iíll make me fit again.

I think now that I have clicked with that things are going to be easier. I wonít blame that chocolate bar on a hard day at work Ė it is my choice. I wonít get that chip-shop tea because someone else decided that is what weíre having Ė I can always make something healthy. I wonít miss that walk round the estate because there is a repeat of some TV show my boyfriend wants to watch Ė he can watch it, and I can go.

These are my choices, no one elseís. And I wonít blame anyone else ever again.


BIG plans

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

It is funny how you set out with these BIG plans. (Exercise every day, eat a million portions of veg a day, drink 4billion gallons of water, etc......) and then by week 3 the main plan is to just get off your bum a bit more and not eat twelve chocolate biscuits.

I am seeing the numbers go down, I am feeling better and I'm feeling more in control but those milk chocolate digestives in the cupboard are still calling my name and looking delicious.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ALYGAT0R 9/4/2012 4:48AM

    I totally feel for you!
I can't keep sweets in the house, so my fiancť and I go out for ice cream/tea when he gets off work (and I'm at home) and I just figure it into my plan.
We also started buying fatty foods that he likes, but I can pass on, like German "Fett" (they actually eat straight animal fat with seasoning! gross!!!!).

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DIZZYBUGS 6/27/2012 8:36PM

    Getting off your bum & not eating 12 biscuits is still an improvement and will get results!! If you need a sugar fix then go for it - but only a small one and track it. Maybe check out the calories in your favourite treats and then work out how much exercise you need to do to burn it off and when that craving hits decide if it's worth it... and which treat would be a better option...

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    @ EXCIRA - I like that idea :) Right now it is hard. When I'm bored I'm used to reaching for the biscuit tin. The problem is that there are others in the house who aren't aspiring to eat healthier and lose weight, and my bf just says he doesn't see why I should stop getting him things he likes. So when you want a chocolatey fix and theres a big bar in the fridge its too easy to just have a chunk :(

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UNIQUEINK 6/27/2012 8:28AM

    I hear ya! I have the worst time with sweets! I feel like I start with all the motivation in the world but it just wears you out after a while... gotta push through it and remember it's for the best! Great job so far!

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LOOKSLIKELILY 6/27/2012 8:23AM

    Haha, I can definitely empathise with this blog. I think it's easy to start out strong and with the best intentions. The hardest part of all of this is to try and keep the "meh" at bay long enough to see some progress!

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EXCIRA 6/27/2012 8:09AM

    There's a rule in my house... if you can't be responsible, don't have it in the house. Therefore, we don't purchase cookies, cakes or candies for our home. If it's the full moon (the only day of the month I can have a treat), we go out and purchase a single serving. It makes the experience so much better plus it keeps me in check.


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LINDAMARIEZ1 6/27/2012 6:19AM

    ya gotta keep doing what motivated you in the first place!

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Fighting the boredom

Monday, June 25, 2012

I have been struggling for the past few years with eating when I'm bored (as I spend quite alot of time at home on my own...) and am looking at ways to fight my boredom. If I am brutally honest with myself there is a lot to do around the house - as with the boredom, which has led to feeling a bit depressed - I have gotten very lazy. I put off ironing until theres no more room to cram it in, for example.

So the other night I sat and listed as many different things as I could think of that I could DO that aren't eating.

From trying a new hairstyle, having a bath and meditating, to cleaning the oven, weeding the garden and creating a memory box. I listed well over 100 things to occupy my time better than stuffing my face. I was thinking about printing the list off my laptop and cutting the things into little strips and treating it a little like a "lucky dip"!

However - on the upside I am feeling much happier in myself. I don't know if it is just the nutritious food, the numbers moving on the scale or the fact that my smart black trousers fit mroe comfortably - but I am a newer, more energetic, smiley and motivated person now.

I'm finally looking for the answers to my problems - rather than sitting back, watching tv and stuffing myself with chocolate while waiting for them to come round and fall into my lap. It is a good feeling to be taking back control of your life.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIZZYBUGS 6/26/2012 6:25PM

It's like magic isn't it - you set out wanting just to lose some weight and end up a completely different person! How fantastic - keep on taking back control - you deserve the very best in life!

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UNIQUEINK 6/25/2012 6:46PM

    good for you!! I love the idea of putting up a list of things to occupy your time! I might have to do that, myself!

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DRCLANKY 6/25/2012 5:11PM

    Great idea to make a list! I have the same problem with eating while bored and on those days when I'm not motivated to do something "productive" with my hands to avoid eating, I find doing something a little more relaxing, like knitting or crochet, does the trick! Keep up the good work!

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WALIDGAZALA 6/25/2012 4:15PM

    To solve your proble4ms is to:
Keep moving and DONOT STAY in aplace more than few minutes

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The funny thing about junk food....

Friday, June 22, 2012

Every other Thursday is chippy night. Always have been, always will be. I was going to give it a miss as I'm feeling confident about my progress with weight loss and didn't want to screw it up - but for some reason I got pie, chips and gravy...

The chips were greasy, the gravy was lumpy and the pie was ever so slightly cold. That meal was 800 calories and 42g of fat of gross.

And then afterwards I felt like I had no energy again (like I used to feel ALL the time...) and had sudden cravings! So the junk made me want more junk - so I had another 250 calories worth of CHOCOLATE!!! and this morning my stomach felt incredibly ropey, and I just can't be bothered, and it REALLY wasn't worth it.

Maybe next time I'll just stick to my yummy chicken salad...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIZZYBUGS 6/24/2012 9:09PM

    Maybe it's your tastes changing - you enjoyed it before 'cos you had it more often but now you notice the effects it has on you. I had that too, didn't have takeaway for about 6 months and when I did I really didn't enjoy it and threw the leftovers away - never would've happened before I started this journey!

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    I LOVE pie, chips and gravy and was so convinced I wanted it! Thats the problem. It just wasn't as good as I expected. Maybe its always that crap and I just ignore it. But I did want it - it just wasn't as nice as normal :(

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PCOLAGATOR 6/22/2012 10:54AM

    If I'm going to eat junk it's going to be worth the calories. I still eat junk fairly often but I make sure that it's going to taste really good or I just won't bother with it

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Sexy knickers

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

About 3 years ago I was exercising daily, eating well and lost alot of weight. When I met my boyfriend I was a sexy, happy size 12/14 and enjoyed treating myself to sexy underwear and revealing clothes because I was comfortable in my body. However all of that weight, and more, crept back on and now I am a hefty size 22 and daren't even look at sexy knickers anymore! I want granny pants that cover as much as possible.

I've just been going through my clothes and came across all those tiny little lacy pants and rather than throwing them out I've put them into a tub at eye level in my wardrobe. They are my goal. I remember how I felt about my body then, and I can't wait to feel that way again!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DIZZYBUGS 6/24/2012 9:29PM

    Great motivation! One step, one day at a time - you WILL get there xx

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EXCIRA 6/20/2012 5:59PM

    Love it!

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    Thanks! Looking at some of them though - they were so TINY!! It is hard to wear dainty frilly knickers when you're my size but I WILL get into them :-)

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UNIQUEINK 6/20/2012 3:35PM

    Awesome!!! That's really similar to something I do, too! I have a bunch of stuff that I used to fit into (or worse - bought with the intention of losing weight but then never did) and I have them in a clear tub that I see every time I open the closet. I call it my "Hot Box" - it's such a great motivation!

I just know you'll fit into your sexy clothes again!

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