Big Day for me Tomorrow

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Tomorrow morning is my interview for a volunteer position at the aquarium. I think that this would be an ideal situation for me and really help my self-esteem. I am slightly concerned that I don't have the type of references that they seek: someone I went to school with, or a job or volunteer reference.

Technically, one reference I am using is a close friend that I did attend 8th grade with...but that's a stretch. My other reference is my neighbor. I simply haven't maintained any of my working relationships...not that they would have helped due to my chronic absenteeism due to the migraines. I give thanks to God that they have improved enough to the point I can commit to a weekly volunteer shift at the aquarium.

Another concern is that they do a background check. I don't know if that means a credit check as well, but due to past bad choices I have a bankruptcy that will show up. Cause for concern? I don't know.

Anyway, please send up prayers or send out positive vibes, according to your beliefs. The volunteer coordinator seemed really nice on the phone. I can do this!

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Melancholia or What Would You Do if You Had Only a Few Months to Live?

Monday, October 15, 2012

Life is so bittersweet. Often it seems more bitter than sweet to me, but I don't count my bountiful blessings enough. I'm working hard to become a glass half full instead of a glass half empty person.

I received some sad news yesterday. One of my friends that I met in Maine several years ago has been told he has only 2-4 months to live. He is a very talented artist, a philosopher, the life of the party and is going to be taken away from this earth too soon in the eyes of the people that love him. Still, souls are called home in God's time, not ours.

My mom and I were discussing the pros and cons of knowing your death is immenent. You can put your affairs in order, say your good-byes, and tackle your bucket list, health allowing. I know I am going to die some day. I hope there are things I accomplish before I go. I think it could be somewhat freeing to know when you are going to die.

Personally, I'd stop worrying about the outcome of the election and the future of America. I would sell everything that I own and travel the world. I'd swim with the whales next week, not some 2-3 years from now. I would go to the Galapagos islands. I would cry that I am going to be taken from my loved ones.

My friend is a world traveler. He loves India and is making arrangements to go there to die.

Such is the natural order of life.

Then there is the simple joy that I have because I awoke to my 3 kitties surrounding me in bed and my angel fish have spawned. This is about the 5th time they have done so. From what I have read, domestic angel fish have to learn how to be parents because their natural instinct has been bread out of them. They have eaten the eggs from all their prior spawns. Still, it is exciting to me to the potential of small fry and the possibilty of just one surviving.

There is also the joy of being with my soul mate. I love him so much, I can't understand how I could ever cause him the pain of taking my own life. Fortunately, I believe I have the capabilities to live a fairly happy life and I'm going to seize each and every day. I will also take every opportunity to seize my hubby.

I really don't know if there is a point to all this rambling. I'd just like to say that I thank God for still allowing me life, despite my efforts to end it. Whatever is in store for me, I will endure in anticipation of eternal life in heaven.

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It's time to do cartwheels!

Saturday, October 13, 2012

I'm 51 and have never done a cartwheel in my life. My mother was obese and had no clue about physical fitness. I didn't have a father to play catch, teach me to ride a bike, etc.

I remember being in elementary school and having to do the President's physical fitness challenge. The day after doing situps I was so sore and unfamiliar with muscle use that I didn't know the origin of my pain. I didn't go to school and my mom took me to the doctor. PE remained a nightmare to me for many years.

I was a latch key child with very few playmates. My friends were my Barbie dolls. I never learned how to frolic outdoors. For some reason I developed a fear about hurting myself because I was not confident about trying new physical activities. Most kids broke bones just doing kid things, but not me.

My mom related a story to me about a 90 year old woman that had dementia. She was in her front yard doing cartwheels. So, it's not too late for me. I still have fear about trying, but I am going to face that fear. What's the worst that can happen? A broken bone, which I would survive. It's time to leave my comfort zone and see if I can do things I don't think possible.

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It's happy dance time!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

I had a very productive day. I had a good night's sleep because I found some old leftover prescription sleeping pills in my medicine cabinet. It was NOT Ambien...I will never take that drug again as I have extremely adverse reactions to it. What a difference sleeping really well makes.

I spoke with the volunteer coordinator at the aquarium today. She is very nice, and I have an interview scheduled on Thursday. I'm not sure anyone can comprehend the importance of this to me. It would make it much easier for me to maintain good mental health as I would be in such a soothing environment, increase my level of socializing, and be contributing to society.

In my art studio I had a ceiling to floor cat tower and it was getting pretty ratty. (I know, cats love rats.) It was leaning, then the cats knocked it over and it started coming apart. I decided now would be a good time to replace it, so I bought a new one yesterday. Today I disasembled the old one and got it into the trash and assembled the new one so now I have happy cats.

I have been really consistent with walking every day, but I haven't been to yoga class in ages. Today I managed both and feel so good about it. It makes me want to do a happy dance.

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Demonic Fear

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Fear is the biggest deamon I fight. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of imperfection and on and on the list goes and grows. Fear can suffocate the life out of you, so how can it be overcome? Tackle it head on. Here are some of my favorite quotes and sayings on the topic.

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

Face your fear and it will dissapear. - Judi

Feed the fear, starve the soul. - Judi

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard

The wise man in the storm prays God,
not for safety from danger,
but for deliverance from fear.
It is the storm within which endangers him,
not the storm without.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears. ~Les Brown

You can conquer almost any fear if you will only make up your mind to do so. For remember, fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind. ~Dale Carnegie

The key to change­ is to let go of fear. ~Rosanne Cash

Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop. ~Usman B. Asif

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain. ~Frank Herbert

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
¨ Franklin D. Roosevelt

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.
¨ Salvador Dal¨ª

Face your fears and doubts, and new worlds will open to you.
- Robert Kiyosaki

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
- Mark Twain

Please share your favorite quotes and sayings about fear. As for the Fear Demon...bring it! I am ready for this fight.

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