Thursday, April 12, 2012
My positive outlook is slip-sliding away as I sit here recovering from yesterday's severe migraine. I'm angry, frustated, confused, desperate, demolished, disillusioned, derailed, dreadful, diminished, downtrodden, damned, despondent, distraught, defective, drained, disappointed, fearful, sad, heartbroken, devastated, depressed, defeated, pessimistic, trapped in a nightmare, and dozens of other negative emotions while I wallow in my self-pity. (There are a lot of negative words that start with the letter D.)
Why are they back? Is God telling me I wasnr't doing enough with my life after he took the pain away so I must return to a state of suffering? Is it that I can not lead a comfortable life without the familiarity of pain so I cling to it?
Please read this short article on the link below.
Reading the above post touched a chord in me. Although the primary focus is on letting go of emotional pain, it hit me that maybe a lack of courage is keeping me from releasing my physical pain.
I'd like you to read the post and tell me what you think.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Each night, even though I take Ambien for sleep, I have a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. I used to Spark during those times and would find myself getting 0-3 hours of sleep. Now I fight the urge to get out of bed and toss and turn until I can find sleep again. When the sandman finally visits, it is morning and I don't want to get out of bed at a reasonable hour.
This morning I managed to haul myself out of bed at 8:30, three hours after DH gets up to go to work. I did 30 minutes of gardening, took a shower and spent 30 minutes styling my hair the way DH likes it, then had some breakfast. After that I did my yoga for 30 minutes and the same amount of time gliding on the Gazelle.
I went to the doctor for an annual check-up today. I haven't seen my primary care doctor in months since my migraines magically disappeared for 3 months and 10 days. And just as mysteriously, they have returned. The doc says she doubts she will be able to solve this migraine puzzle. All I can do is pray to God that he lifts this burden from me once again.
I went to Costco for a few things and picked up some Cala lily and begonia bulbs to add to the garden. Came home and cleaned the bathrooms.
As I Sparked today I ran across this status from my friend: BOVEY63 is trying to balance trusting my fellow man - being able to trust without being taken advantage of. That prompted a comment from me because it was particularly relevant to me today: How to trust your fellow man? I am starting to have a real hard time with certain people. I have one virtual friend that I have had multiple media exchanges for several years. This month she told me she had banking charges problems and didn't have enough money to last through the month...so I sent her some money. How do I know she is spending it on groceries and not cigarettes? But gifts should not have strings attached.
Then there is a couple that lives in the neighborhood. They have come to our door asking for tampons, rides to cash their disability checks, to McDonalds because they have nothing in the house to eat, and today a ride to the convenience store for food. The last two times I have given them rides, they have also visited liquor stores in whatever vicinity I take them. They also smoke. I have to wonder why I am helping people who refuse to help themselves.
It's time to wind up my computer time for today. Sweet dreams, everyone.
Friday, April 06, 2012
Insomnia you're stalking me.
Why can't you just let me be.
On my soft bed I lay to rest,
Scrunching a pillow 'til it feels best.
My brain won't stop; can't shut it off.
All others seem to do is scoff.
Don't we need sleep per chance to dream?
Or will it invite nightmares and a scream.
I need to be at my best each day.
But I can hardly keep the beast at bay.
It's hunger grows so deep inside,
I simply wait for my worlds to collide.
Somewhere out there is peace and love.
I know God provides it from above.
But trapped am I, a mortal being.
The future is not mine for seeing.
How I long to live for just one day
With all my pains taken away.
To feel delight we must suffer as well,
Or how would there be a difference to tell.
Wednesday, April 04, 2012
3 months and 10 days
That's how long I want without a migraine. Now I have had 3 in the past two weeks. It had seemed magical when they just went away. Now I and my team of doctors need to magically figure out why they came back.
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