Sunday, March 06, 2011
March 5th, 2011. I started this day with a big agenda. It started at the car dealership where I paid off the car, I own it! But that's not why I'm writing.
I have always wanted to give back in memory of Stephanie. I hid behind the pain, the anger and mostly the longing for my daughter, thinking standing still would help keep her memory alive. I started growing my hair out as a rebellious act in December of 2006. It served to perpetuate me shutting out the world. The ultimate anti-social act, look unapproachable, become unapproachable. I had actually started the process in 2004 and cut off that growth to get a promotion at work.
Growing it out was something I had always wanted to do, what Metalhead doesn't? I didn't have a hair cut until March of 2010, again an employer, however, by this time I had made the decision to donate it, or so I told the employer. I trimmed it so I could hide the length under my hat and 'look' professional, not that my training/lack of made me a professional, but because of how others may perceive me and the company. Then June happened. I had found someone to whom I could openly share stories of Stephanie, we'd met in March. This began a healing process I wasn't aware of at the time. I was becoming ready to accept Stephanie's death and didn't even know it. I'm not all that surprised though, 2010 was shaping up as a very accidental transitional year and by accidental, it's not like I had a conversation with myself and said lets step down from your job, take one you have zero training for and see if that will help you rediscover life. Although, that's exactly what it did.
I had really begun to think about a date, it would be symbolic, this was August. Fall came and went, December, January. I was really starting to lean to May, her birthday, she'd have been 21 this year. Again my growth came into play, I began to tire of the length, the care and the look, I had an appointment in late February, I was going to trim it one last time, then a medical emergency in my stylists family got that appointment canceled. When she call this past week and wanted it on Saturday, the fifth of March. While not the fifth of May, I got enough symbolism to know my angel was ready to see the smiles my act of love would create.
I got myself mentally ready, off I went. Melani, my stylist, is a family friend who knew Stephanie and one of the most compassionate people I know. It helped I was on an emotional high from paying off the car. Mom came out to capture it for all to see. Thirty minutes of cutting and reflection, it was done.
There is no feeling better than giving of yourself in a manner without possibility of ever seeing how your act reaches it's destination. I will do this again and again and again. I am a lean, nicer, hair growing machine. One child smiling. If you hair is long, donate it, if it's short, grow it out and donate it. Giving up any vanity makes it all worthwhile. Feel free to jump on over to my gallery and glance at my experience.
I am becoming this man with the help of my friends, my spark friends. Seven months and one day after joining this site, I gave in my daughter's memory, sparkpeople is part of how I did. The support and encouragement is so unconditional. Thank you.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
2011 Spring | Metropolitan Community College
Class Grades - 2011 Spring
Class Description Units Grading Grade Grade Points
HVAC 120 Fundamentals of Refrigeration 4.00 Graded A 16.000
Monday, January 24, 2011
I, in the ongoing effort to be honest with myself, realize i need to get stuff out of my head, blogging is the answer. I have stopped for numerous reason/excuses. The main one is fear, fear of rejection, fear of being 'seen' weaknesses included. This will be the start of me sharing some of that fear so i can work through it.
I battle most hours feeling insecure about myself, i can take anything from anywhere or anyone and turn it into a negative self-belief. I try to come across self confident and self assured truth is i look for the approval of others to gain that belief about myself. I rush emotional bonding to find it. I look for it constantly. I try and control others to manipulate them into giving me that approval. this process is very much a subconscience action, it doesn't feel right yet it tries to manifest anyway. I am better at seeing it now than i was a year ago! It's not however where i want it to be. I still cannot seperate my ego response that the actions are disrespectful, I do however stop myself from acting on the thoughts more than a year ago. I'm trying to find a medium where i can express how i feel without the crush of it not being heard or responded to in a specific manner. Think I can find an on/off switch for it?
I'm fairly certain this new wave of emotional insecurity is being stirred up with the approaching anniversary of Stephanie's passing, two weeks from today my baby girl will have been gone 14 years, truth is i still miss her the same. Her hugs, smile and laughter, contagious on their own merit, were a life force i drew upon, for most of that time I've ran from finding it again. I believe feeling this loss, missing her and a willingness to be 'here' are factors that are helping me embrace finding that spirt again.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
WOW, talk about an emotional release! Twenty years of self-defeating messages, GONE! No more you're not smart enough, you can't sit through a three hour class or my biggie; you're not worthy of bettering yourself. Gone I tell you, no more, poof!
How you ask, let me share it with you. I set a goal and stuck to it, even through my procrastination, without beating myself up. I faced my fears, took away their power, a power I gave them. I used wanting more from my life than I had. I took the memory of my daughter and turned it into the image of being her daddy and providing for her. I also thought about my GF and kids, they are simply the best. Shouldn't they get the best I can do? I can say, fear is over-rated!
I am worthy, I do deserve to better myself. School for me WAS something that only stirred-up crappy memories. Memories that I allowed to rule my decisions. Memories that I used to confirm a skewed view of myself. I stayed dwelling on the pain the messages created, pain and suffering WAS THE way of life for me. Sitting here typing I am experiencing a joy like no other. A joy I never want to end!
Goodbye fear! Goodbye self-doubt! Hello Mr. Ray, welcome to the building a better you, pull up a chair and have a seat. The journey continues.
I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT!!! I DID IT!
Friday, November 19, 2010
Learn to detach...Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate fully. That's how you are able to leave it... Take any emotion--love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions--if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that love entails. But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.
~ Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie
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