Monday, December 29, 2008
I don't know what to do any more. I feel like I'm losing this battle. I feel like I have let everyone down. I have been binging for a week. I am so embarassed to even say what I have eaten. I ate so much today I threw up. I can't sleep at night and I sleep all day. I can't go through another hour, day, week, or month of this. I wish I knew why my brain is doing this. My best friend said that maybe because I never dealt with the sexual, physical, and verbal abuse I sufferd as a child, that this is why I am going through this. I want to start this new year over the right way, but I don't know what to do. Please pray for me. I can't live like this any longer. I don't know how much weight I have gained back because I won't even step on the scale. Maybe I need counsling or something. I don't know.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I am, trying so hard to get back on this weight loss wagon, but my brain and body wants to do something else. I don't want to even look at the scale because everytime I do, it seems the number gets higher and higher. I haven't been making the best choices I know, but I have to put more effort into this. I am having a hard time with work and other things, but I know I need to do this. I have gained back 7lbs and I can really feel it. I can't let the other weight come back.I won't let it come back!!!!
Thursday, December 04, 2008
OK, so if you read my last blog you will remember me telling you about the handsome guy I met. Well I called!!! And someone made the comment that I should blog about it. I don't know if she was serious, but it was a very good idea.(thank you Ms MAGNIFATIC)
If you haven't learned by now I love to see people smile and laugh. So I try to find humor in everything. This story was so funny, well to my best friend and I at last, that I had to share.
So, after a long debate with myself on if I should call this guy or not, I said why not, what's the harm.(Boy, little did I know) I decided to call on Saturday because I work every third Saturday and I usually work 13-14hrs. Most of it is down time, so I had to find something to do. I didn't want to call too early because, hell I didn't want to be up at 7:30!! When I called I knew we were having technical difficulties from the beginning. I didn't really notice the name on the card I just threw it in my pocket. When I took it out and looked at it, I said "L-Boss", the hell (you can imagine the look on my face) I said ok , don't judge, you never know who your going to talk to. When the phone started to ring that is when I said, " who do I ask for." "L", "Boss", it didn't come with instructions!!! Thank god for voice mail, I just hung up. He called me back a few minutes later and asked did someone just dial the number. Then I Had a bright idea. I asked who this was( see I'm smart )He said this is "L", I said oh hey, I met you the other night. He told me to refresh his memory. Now my first thought was wow, he must meet a lot of women. Then I said it had been a couple of days.( I would later find out the real issue) So I refreshed his memory. He said ok cutie at the gas station. ok ok!!!We exchanged a few things about ourselves and I was like ok, not too bad. He was 8 yrs younger than myself, but I have learned that this isn't a bad thing sometimes and he had no children, that was really good.
Now every story has a turning point, this one is no different!!! I have been teased all my life about "the way I speak." Most people say I speak proper, or like a "white girl" (don't mean to offend anyone just being honest) I was just taught to always present yourself in a certain way. I will say I can flip the script on you and you will think I am another person if you take me there!!! Now with this being said, half of the conversation I had no clue as to what the hell he was talking about. I know that I don't use a lot of slang, but I can usually catch on to what is being said. nope. So after he proceeds to tell me about his business, he asked more about me, the area I lived in, my line of work, etc. Now, by this time I said , why not, I have nothing else to do. I tell him more about myself and then the statement that made me have this look , was made. He said and I quote," I don't come to where you live because there is not a liquor store on the corner and I would feel like I didn't fit in and I wouldn't be comfortable." Now for anyone who watched flavor of love and remembers the lady who would blink and look confused, that was the look I had. I think that was the first, and probably the last time, I had nothing to say. By this point, ok maybe a little before, I knew this was not a person I could have a relationship with. He was very nice, but I don't think he was the one for me!!
A couple of days went by and he texted me to say hey. I asked him how he was and he said busy. Then he asked me to "refresh" his memory again. I said you just spoke to me a couple of days ago he said I had to forgive him because of his recreational activities he tends to forget sometimes. You probably have the same look right about now that I had. Now, although he wasn't what I expected, I'm still glad it happened. It took me out of my shell and my best friend and I are going out this friday. You never know who you may meet, ok wait I can't even make something up to say about that so I will scratch it!!! I will just say I will learn to just enjoy!!!
I hope you enjoyed reading this because even though I'm laughing at my own expense it feels good if it made others laugh and have a good day!!!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Well I got my hair done Wednesday and I cut it a lot shorter. My hair was to the middle of my back(a little longer if it was straightened). I cut it up to the back of neck in the back and a little longer in the front. When I went to work a lot of people were mad because I cut it, but a lot of the guys told me I looked sexy. (Thank god I work with majority men lol) I am loving the new look.
The next day, Thanksgiving, was even better. I normally stay home during the holidays because my weight made me want to always hide at home. Today I decided to get out and go see friends and family. I went to see my grandmother and have dinner(I did good with food today also). My brother came by because he was so surprised I came out on a holiday. When he came in he said he liked my new hair style, even though I cut it off. That made me happy that he noticed. But, the WooHoo came when he said, "you have lost a nice amount of weight." That felt good because my brother told his kids to call me the Jolly Fat giant one day when I had on a green jogging suit. I never told him how much that hurt me, I just laughed if off. I know he loves me, but some people don't understand how things like that really hurt. That comment was made 6 yrs ago at Annapolis hospital right after my grandfather had a stroke and we were waiting to see him. Anywhoo, enough of the negative on my good day.
Another good thing happened that made me smile. I pulled into the gas station and saw this handsome guy get out of his car and walk inside. As I was walking inside he gave me a look and then a second look. I smiled inside like wow, I should have been back in that hair salon a long time ago!!! As he was walking out he turned back and asked when was I going to call him. I said excuse me, he asked again when I was going to call him. I felt so nervous because for so long I have only interacted with people I know, I didn't know what to say. I just blurted out when you give me the number I will give you a call. As I walked outside he walked over to me and gave me one of his cards and told me to make sure I call him. Now, I doubt if I will ever call, but it felt good to have someone take a second look. This has made me want to work ever harder to get myself back in shape.
This was by far the best holiday for me in a very long time!!!! I felt so wonderful all day. Thank you ladies, especially my DONE ladies, for being there to just listen.
Everyone Have a Wonderful Day!!! BTW, I have added new pics of the new hair cut.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Yesterday I had a talk with someone I have dated off and on for 15 or 16 yrs. He made me look at things in a whole new light.
Before I had my daughter I use to go to the hair salon every other week, sometimes every week. After my daughters head injury when she was 6 months I stopped caring about how I dressed, going to the salon, and anything else that was done for me personally. I felt like if you wanted to get to know me or be with me, you would love me no matter what. I started to become depressed because I had gained so much weight and I really let myself go. I looked up one day and I looked like a totally different person. My daughters dad made a comment to me about 6 months ago(we have been apart for 13 yrs) and said,"wow, I can't believe how much you let yourself go."I blew it off even though it really hurt my feelings. I remember getting comments about how pretty I was, and how I had natural beauty because I never wear make-up and other comments.
Yesterday I was talking to my friend, who says that he loves me no matter what I look like, and I asked him why he doesn't make me feel special, how come he doesn't treat me like a Queen like I see other women treated. He asked if he could tell me someone without arguing. He said you don't treat yourself like that anymore. You sleep all day on the weekends, you never get dressed up anymore, you never go get your hair done you just pull it back in a pony tail, you don't keep your house like you use to, you just don't care any more. He said how can I make you feel special and you don't make you feel special. I was at work so I couldn't burst into tears like I wanted to, but it was an eye opener. I called my best friend on the way home from work and told her and she said I love you, but he is right. You don't even seem happy anymore. She told me she remembers when I use to put on nice cloths and I was always on the go and happy.
I use to think people didn't try and date me or want to take me out because of my size, but it has nothing to do with that. I use to see other women who are heavier than me and I would wonder why they had someone and no one looked my way. Now as I look back on it, these women were confident, sexy , beautiful women. My friend said that is what men love. He says he loves larger size women, but he also likes confident women. That is when I thought, "Hmmmwas it really me all this time?" Was I keeping people away from me because I didn't love me first. I would have to say YESSS!!!!! This made me wake up real quick. I am special and deserve to be loved too, but first I have to re-learn to love myself first! I am beautiful!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was long, but it felt so good to write.
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