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I feel like I'm losing this battle.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I don't know what to do any more. I feel like I'm losing this battle. I feel like I have let everyone down. I have been binging for a week. I am so embarassed to even say what I have eaten. I ate so much today I threw up. I can't sleep at night and I sleep all day. I can't go through another hour, day, week, or month of this. I wish I knew why my brain is doing this. My best friend said that maybe because I never dealt with the sexual, physical, and verbal abuse I sufferd as a child, that this is why I am going through this. I want to start this new year over the right way, but I don't know what to do. Please pray for me. I can't live like this any longer. I don't know how much weight I have gained back because I won't even step on the scale. Maybe I need counsling or something. I don't know.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DOINME4LIFE 12/31/2008 7:04PM

    Girl, Get of my brain please!! I have eaten so damn much since Thanksgiving.. I must have lost my mind!! I'm resetting my ticker back to 0.. I'm starting fresh not worrying about what I did in 2008..
But your best friend maybe right and you're using food to mask that. Hell I don't know.. I'm not a psychiatrist but I know I have some emotional eating.. emoticon I eat when I'm happy, sad, mad, bored and any other emotion you can think of.. emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/31/2008 7:05:18 PM

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IMINIT2WINIT 12/30/2008 11:37AM

    Oh hon.
I came by to leave you a comment and wish you a HappY New year.... and I see this. Ya know what?? You are SOOO not alone. I have been dealing with the same exact issues. I feel like a hypocrite for what I had said to you some months back. About if we want it bad enough-- we will do it. What???????????
I know we ALL want it bad enough!! But what I'm learning and deep down believing is that what we suffer with is NO different than what a meth addict deal with. I think this is even possibly a lot worse than meth... for the fact that a meth addict can admit and tell themselves that what they are doing is not only wrong, but ILLEGAL! We can go into a store and stock up on our drug and tell ourselves we'll only have a little of this or that-- and next thing we know we're eating a whole box of it. I feel I truly need counceling also. I was so afraid of people as a little girl, that I put up this physical barrier around me using it as an excuse not to have to socialize with anyone. I don't remember much about my childhood. I wish to God I did. Then maybe I could get to the bottom of what made me so afraid of people to begin with and break down this barrier I still use to this day. I feel like I have been losing this battle too-- ever since Thanksgiving. I just mentally caved and said I'll start brand new with the NEW Year. Which is what I am going to do. You wanna get back on with me?? Check in with each other to stay accountable?? I think my fiance and I are even going to join a gym. That thought scares me to death. But-- I know I can't do this on my own/alone any more. Lets pray for each other. Get strong mentally and focus on one measly pound at a time. We are addicts who have to admit that-- and come to realize we cannot have certain foods a part of our lives. I plan on losing 56 lbs by mid Aug. Ya wanna work on that with me?? I think I am going to look into counceling too. It can only help, right?
If I can't get the weight off this year, I AM going to get the Lapband surgery done. Because like you, I can't live like this any more!
Come on--- lets really work on this. Not only physically-- but mentally. :)


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    I have been working on managing my emotional eating for 6 weeks now. I have been revisiting some painful memories from the past but in doing this, I have been able to deal with them and heal some old wounds. by healing and taking care of myself on the inside, I have managed my ee for awhile now. On top of using certain techniques that have worked as well. I don't know if you need counseling, but if you are interested read some of my most recent blogs. It might or might not help, but it could offer some insight.
Good luck.
Happy New Year.

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JCL129 12/29/2008 8:34AM

It's okay to feel a bit down...but don't count yourself out! And please don't feel as if you've let anyone on SparkPeople down, because when it all comes down to the wire, nobody else matters except YOU....and how you feel about you is first priority.

Each day is a chance to start over. So today, you've acknowledged how you hurt yourself and your weight loss it's time to forgive yourself, lavish a lot of love on yourself, and begin fresh.

Please hang in there....You can do this! emoticon


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2008LYNN 12/29/2008 8:22AM

  This site is so wonderful! Excellent comments. Getting counseling could be one of the many positive steps you take in 2009. Do some research and consider taking St John's Wort; it can help with the sleep, cravings and depression.
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Aw, big BIG emoticon!!!!

Now, first of all - don't beat yourself up. So you have binged. Now you can change it. It is often the guilt that keeps us there!

Second of all - Make one positive change today. Then make another one tomorrow and so on and so on.

You can do this! You are not losing the battle, but a new aspect has possibly been uncovered and yes, you need to look at it. I think counseling is a great idea. We all need a little help in our journeys. All you need to do is change your battle plan.

Any form of abuse has an impact that can be felt years on. One of the things that abuse does is make us feel vulnerable. What do we need when we feel vulnerable? Protection. What if we feel there is nobody to protect us? We protect ourselves. And sometimes we do that by eating and creating a cussion against the world. We binge to numb the feelings and the extra padding we get creates a protective barrier against the world.

No amount of effort will work until you work on the underlying issues. You maybe need to realize that you are now safe from abuse and you are in control of your life and what happens in it. Then the need to eat will be easier to overcome.

The first step is to look at yourself in a loving way as opposed to being hard on yourself for losing control. If someone had to come to you as you are now and tell you their story would you be hard on them for losing control every now and then? Probably not hey? So why do we do that to ourselves! Tell yourself you love you and promise your body and your mind that you will all work together in the most loving way possible without judgement.

You can do this! Praying for you.

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PEJKUG3 12/29/2008 2:59AM

    Don't give up.

I'm praying for you.

I have the same screwed up sleep schedule and's hard - but not impossible!

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ZSAZSAJANNY 12/29/2008 2:17AM

    You just hang in there! You can win this battle. I've read some of your blogs and you are a very articulate young woman. Yes, you've been through some really tough stuff (me too, when I was growing up) but you have the brains to get through all this.

Personally, I like to stay up all night but I know it's not the best thing for me. Yes, I do stay up late (and even when I'm teaching) but I always get up early the next day at my regular time. That's my rule for myself. No sleeping in allowed! Up at 7:30am on a holiday and 5:30 on a school day. If you let yourself stay in bed it only makes it harder to get back on track. Besides, I always find I feel WORSE if I let myself sleep in.

Maybe you might need some professional counselling to help you sort some things out. Is that a bad thing? Nope! The professionals are there to help us for a reason. We can't be experts in everything we do, now can we? I wouldn't want to do surgery on myself. I leave that to an expert. Same thing with sorting out 'brain' stuff.

Don't worry about today's overeating. It's done and finished. What is important now is tomorrow. Let it be a good one because YOU deserve it! Honor yourself with what you put in your body.
emoticon emoticon

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STACEYSGETNFIT 12/29/2008 1:09AM

    You are in my prayers!

Remember, tomorrow is a new day, and if you make 1 mistake, the whole day isn't ruined. Just take another step forward.

What are your small goals? Set 1 for the day, 1 for the next hour. Smile when you've achieved them.


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I'm trying to get back on the wagon....

Monday, December 22, 2008

I am, trying so hard to get back on this weight loss wagon, but my brain and body wants to do something else. I don't want to even look at the scale because everytime I do, it seems the number gets higher and higher. I haven't been making the best choices I know, but I have to put more effort into this. I am having a hard time with work and other things, but I know I need to do this. I have gained back 7lbs and I can really feel it. I can't let the other weight come back.I won't let it come back!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGNIFATIC 12/22/2008 5:19PM

    You said it - you can't let it come back. So don't!! You are not alone here I have not worked out since I got over my illness, but I have not been going over board with the eating. I have actually lost weight (not much but hey it's not a gain). We are in this together sister. You have worked too hard to get to where you are. It was not in vain. emoticon

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YANSKA 12/22/2008 10:04AM

    Giirrrllll - blogging is a great first step to getting back on the wagon. You're being honest with yourself and you're facing the music - how awesome is that?!? That is where we must all start every single day, and so you are in great company. It's always a question of making the right choice - at every meal, every snack, every walk around the office or block or gym. The beauty of it is that you have a million chances every day to do the right thing!

Come on - it's holiday time. You deserve a lot or presents, right? So give yourself a bunch every day, in the form of healthy foods, bits of exercise, saying "NO" to stuff that will knock you back off track. You can do it!!!!!!

Happy Holidays! I wish you strength, focus and BURNED CALORIES today! :)))



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    You can do this!!!! You've blogged about it, admitted what you need to do, so go out and do it! Even the tiniest step in the right direction will make you feel better! You are worth the awesome changes that you can effect!!!!!

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OK .. So I called...

Thursday, December 04, 2008

OK, so if you read my last blog you will remember me telling you about the handsome guy I met. Well I called!!! And someone made the comment that I should blog about it. I don't know if she was serious, but it was a very good idea.(thank you Ms MAGNIFATIC)

If you haven't learned by now I love to see people smile and laugh. So I try to find humor in everything. This story was so funny, well to my best friend and I at last, that I had to share.

So, after a long debate with myself on if I should call this guy or not, I said why not, what's the harm.(Boy, little did I know) I decided to call on Saturday because I work every third Saturday and I usually work 13-14hrs. Most of it is down time, so I had to find something to do. I didn't want to call too early because, hell I didn't want to be up at 7:30!! When I called I knew we were having technical difficulties from the beginning. I didn't really notice the name on the card I just threw it in my pocket. When I took it out and looked at it, I said "L-Boss", the hell (you can imagine the look on my face) I said ok , don't judge, you never know who your going to talk to. When the phone started to ring that is when I said, " who do I ask for." "L", "Boss", it didn't come with instructions!!! Thank god for voice mail, I just hung up. He called me back a few minutes later and asked did someone just dial the number. Then I Had a bright idea. I asked who this was( see I'm smart emoticon)He said this is "L", I said oh hey, I met you the other night. He told me to refresh his memory. Now my first thought was wow, he must meet a lot of women. Then I said it had been a couple of days.( I would later find out the real issue) So I refreshed his memory. He said ok cutie at the gas station. ok ok!!!We exchanged a few things about ourselves and I was like ok, not too bad. He was 8 yrs younger than myself, but I have learned that this isn't a bad thing sometimes and he had no children, that was really good.

Now every story has a turning point, this one is no different!!! I have been teased all my life about "the way I speak." Most people say I speak proper, or like a "white girl" (don't mean to offend anyone just being honest) I was just taught to always present yourself in a certain way. I will say I can flip the script on you and you will think I am another person if you take me there!!! Now with this being said, half of the conversation I had no clue as to what the hell he was talking about. I know that I don't use a lot of slang, but I can usually catch on to what is being said. nope. So after he proceeds to tell me about his business, he asked more about me, the area I lived in, my line of work, etc. Now, by this time I said , why not, I have nothing else to do. I tell him more about myself and then the statement that made me have this look emoticon, was made. He said and I quote," I don't come to where you live because there is not a liquor store on the corner and I would feel like I didn't fit in and I wouldn't be comfortable." Now for anyone who watched flavor of love and remembers the lady who would blink and look confused, that was the look I had. I think that was the first, and probably the last time, I had nothing to say. By this point, ok maybe a little before, I knew this was not a person I could have a relationship with. He was very nice, but I don't think he was the one for me!!

A couple of days went by and he texted me to say hey. I asked him how he was and he said busy. Then he asked me to "refresh" his memory again. I said you just spoke to me a couple of days ago he said I had to forgive him because of his recreational activities he tends to forget sometimes. You probably have the same look right about now that I had. Now, although he wasn't what I expected, I'm still glad it happened. It took me out of my shell and my best friend and I are going out this friday. You never know who you may meet, ok wait I can't even make something up to say about that so I will scratch it!!! I will just say I will learn to just enjoy!!!

I hope you enjoyed reading this because even though I'm laughing at my own expense it feels good if it made others laugh and have a good day!!! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WATCHMEWORK 12/7/2008 11:14AM

    HaHaHa! Girl, this was good! On second thought, DON'T call me when you go back to that station! lol Glad you took the step though, good for you.


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GIVENTHANKS 12/5/2008 9:19PM

    I loved your blog! It is so great to laugh!
Have a great weekend!
Pat emoticon

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WILLBDONE6-2011 12/5/2008 2:49PM

    See you are going to get me fired. I am at work and laughing. Oh boy, at least you called so there won't be a ? about what if? This reminds me of the movie Daddy's Little Girl when Gabrielle Union character went on a blind date and met the 40 yr old rapper who was between jobs and ordered 'skrimps'. This is too funny!

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LITTLE_QUEEN 12/4/2008 11:48PM

    WOW! What a laugh I got from thisone, Must think he is all that and more!

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BAHIRA10 12/4/2008 11:04PM

    Great blog. Thanks for sharing. And yes, I know who you were talking about when you said the girl from flavor of love.

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DOINME4LIFE 12/4/2008 4:36PM

    D@mn!!! LOL!! Thats all I have to say about that one!! And ditto on the speaking proper comment.. I've been told that all my life too. My brother still calls my cell until this day and if the voice mail picks up.. He's like "Girl, I was about to hang up.. I thought I had the wrong #!! LOL!! My mom was a schoolteacher. I really didnt have a choice on speaking incorrect grammar.. She always corrected me!!

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MAGNIFATIC 12/4/2008 3:17PM

    Yes, I was serious when I said blog and I am glad you did. Look at all the responses. I am also glad you called him. He was not the one but he is one closer. At least you ruled him out and won't wonder "what if". Girl, he was off the chain. That liquor store comment was enough for me. This was a major step out of your comfort zone and that is golden. The more weight you lose, the more you will begin to uncover yourself. It is sooo worth sweating and huffing in the gym. My confidence is through the roof these days. I going to love going through this journey with you. emoticon

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SQUIRTZIE 12/4/2008 2:13PM

    Thanks for sharing this cute story.

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INCHXINCH 12/4/2008 11:36AM

    ROTFLMAO! Thank you for sharing this story---you gotta say he's one organized guy if he's able to tell you where any given liquor store is in any given part of the city! emoticon

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CAROL54904 12/4/2008 10:30AM

    LOL - some people don't have very many brain cells to start with - and then they drown them in liquor & kill what they did have!! Good choice to stay away from that one!!

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JCL129 12/4/2008 8:55AM

    That was great! I laughed all the way through...and I had the same look when you quoted what he said about the liquor store. emoticon I think I even heard crickets in the background. LOL! What exactly do you say to a comment like that?!? I won't even mention his "recreational activities." I think I had tears on my face by that point of the story. emoticon

That was too funny...but you know, I'm glad you called him. I agree - he was a good "practice run." Now, you go and have a wonderful time on Friday with your friend!


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MOONLITCHELLE 12/4/2008 7:41AM

    Oh wow!!! LOL!!!
I'm glad you did call.. but whoa. .. 'recreational" huh? No liquor store on the corner...
Good thing you had the presence of mind to bail out of that one!
But, try - try again!
You never know what next time will bring!

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KIYOSHI04 12/4/2008 6:35AM

    hey you.
so proud of you for calling. ive never watched flavor of love but i admit, i was staring at the screen and just blinking.
but, you know, you took a brave step, went out of your comfort zone, and did something that not many of us would have done.
despite the not working out, or even getting a friend it sounds like, you took that step and thats what matters.
good for you girl.

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SARAHABROAD 12/4/2008 5:00AM

    Thanks for sharing--I did laugh. You are a great storyteller--I could almost hear the conversation!

Way to go for calling him. It's nice to have a few "practice" moments. (When I was starting to date again after a bad break up, my best girlfriend made me go on "practice" dates with guys we knew were just not my type....) You are doing so well, and you look great!

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Friday, November 28, 2008

Well I got my hair done Wednesday and I cut it a lot shorter. My hair was to the middle of my back(a little longer if it was straightened). I cut it up to the back of neck in the back and a little longer in the front. When I went to work a lot of people were mad because I cut it, but a lot of the guys told me I looked sexy. (Thank god I work with majority men lol) I am loving the new look. emoticon

The next day, Thanksgiving, was even better. I normally stay home during the holidays because my weight made me want to always hide at home. Today I decided to get out and go see friends and family. I went to see my grandmother and have dinner(I did good with food today also). My brother came by because he was so surprised I came out on a holiday. When he came in he said he liked my new hair style, even though I cut it off. That made me happy that he noticed. But, the WooHoo came when he said, "you have lost a nice amount of weight." That felt good because my brother told his kids to call me the Jolly Fat giant one day when I had on a green jogging suit. I never told him how much that hurt me, I just laughed if off. I know he loves me, but some people don't understand how things like that really hurt. That comment was made 6 yrs ago at Annapolis hospital right after my grandfather had a stroke and we were waiting to see him. Anywhoo, enough of the negative on my good day.

Another good thing happened that made me smile. I pulled into the gas station and saw this handsome guy get out of his car and walk inside. As I was walking inside he gave me a look and then a second look. I smiled inside like wow, I should have been back in that hair salon a long time ago!!! As he was walking out he turned back and asked when was I going to call him. I said excuse me, he asked again when I was going to call him. I felt so nervous because for so long I have only interacted with people I know, I didn't know what to say. I just blurted out when you give me the number I will give you a call. As I walked outside he walked over to me and gave me one of his cards and told me to make sure I call him. Now, I doubt if I will ever call, but it felt good to have someone take a second look. This has made me want to work ever harder to get myself back in shape.

This was by far the best holiday for me in a very long time!!!! I felt so wonderful all day. Thank you ladies, especially my DONE ladies, for being there to just listen.

Everyone Have a Wonderful Day!!! BTW, I have added new pics of the new hair cut.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGNIFATIC 12/3/2008 1:27PM

    Ok, so if you don't call him I may have to take a trip up there just to hurt you! What is the harm in a conversation? You may find a new friend for life. Nobody said you have to fall in love. It's just a phone call. And blog after you do it. You know we all want to know what happens. LOL! Seriously, this was great. Don't you want to have days like this all the time?

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JCL129 12/1/2008 9:43AM

    I am loving, loving, loving the hair....but especially loving the boost of confidence you got with all the wonderful comments!!

You go, Ms. V!!


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WATCHMEWORK 11/29/2008 1:38AM

    Love the doo! What gas station was that?! hahaha

I'am smiling with you. I feel good with you too. Thanks for sharing and I am so happy for your happiness. emoticon

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DOINME4LIFE 11/28/2008 10:54PM

    Love the new hair!!! You better call that handsome guy!!! emoticon

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GEOGIAGIRL2 11/28/2008 5:53PM

    You look fabulous! Keep up the good work! I can relate to your statement about not wanting to go out and mingle because of how you felt about your weight. I am so glad that you got out of your comfort zone and went out and visited on Thanksgiving.

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KEANDRI 11/28/2008 3:14PM

    WooHoo...that is awesome!!! Your hair looks great! You go girl!!! I tell ya when you're DONE and you start working towards your goal, it truly sets off something inside and outside that touches not only you but those around you! emoticon

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DOUBLEBLESSED 11/28/2008 12:31PM

    I'm so happy for you. This gives me hope. Ilove the hair cut. When I cut mine I cut it way shorter. But I only have 1 good hand, so short hair is much easier for me to take care of. Keep that beautiful smile on your face. Your loved more than you know. Keep loving yourself also that makes a world of difference. I love you.


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WILLBDONE6-2011 11/28/2008 11:40AM

    Your blog put a smile on my face. Girl, call that man. He could be someone nice to go to the movies and dinner with. You are going to have to find a name for your new self. Like Beyonce calls her alter ego Sasha Fierce! emoticon

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RAVEN227 11/28/2008 9:51AM

    Congrats on you!!! your hair is nice!

MzV emoticon

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KIYOSHI04 11/28/2008 6:43AM

    beautiful hair girl...
and am so happy that you got some compliments and second looks.
you are a gorgeous woman, and im so glad that finally people are noticing-- and im glad that you are taking the time for you.

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MSPROVERBS31 11/28/2008 6:32AM

    Nice hair & how cool were those manly comments! From family and a stranger!
Keep on smiling and working toward your goal!

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BKWERM 11/28/2008 6:19AM

    You must have felt like you were walking on air with all those compliments! That's awesome! And, great haircut, by the way!

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SARAHABROAD 11/28/2008 4:39AM

    You LOOK amazing! And it is so wonderful to hear how good you feel about yourself too--you deserve all of it! Way to take something that was hard to hear and turn it into a positive motivating force in your life. Keep it up because you, Vanessa, are totally and completely DONE!

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    And the hair looks awesome!

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    emoticon That is AWESOME! You are so DONE and so on the way to the YOU that you are! Live it! Keep it up! emoticon

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Hmmm was it really me?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Yesterday I had a talk with someone I have dated off and on for 15 or 16 yrs. He made me look at things in a whole new light.

Before I had my daughter I use to go to the hair salon every other week, sometimes every week. After my daughters head injury when she was 6 months I stopped caring about how I dressed, going to the salon, and anything else that was done for me personally. I felt like if you wanted to get to know me or be with me, you would love me no matter what. I started to become depressed because I had gained so much weight and I really let myself go. I looked up one day and I looked like a totally different person. My daughters dad made a comment to me about 6 months ago(we have been apart for 13 yrs) and said,"wow, I can't believe how much you let yourself go."I blew it off even though it really hurt my feelings. I remember getting comments about how pretty I was, and how I had natural beauty because I never wear make-up and other comments.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend, who says that he loves me no matter what I look like, and I asked him why he doesn't make me feel special, how come he doesn't treat me like a Queen like I see other women treated. He asked if he could tell me someone without arguing. He said you don't treat yourself like that anymore. You sleep all day on the weekends, you never get dressed up anymore, you never go get your hair done you just pull it back in a pony tail, you don't keep your house like you use to, you just don't care any more. He said how can I make you feel special and you don't make you feel special. I was at work so I couldn't burst into tears like I wanted to, but it was an eye opener. I called my best friend on the way home from work and told her and she said I love you, but he is right. You don't even seem happy anymore. She told me she remembers when I use to put on nice cloths and I was always on the go and happy.

I use to think people didn't try and date me or want to take me out because of my size, but it has nothing to do with that. I use to see other women who are heavier than me and I would wonder why they had someone and no one looked my way. Now as I look back on it, these women were confident, sexy , beautiful women. My friend said that is what men love. He says he loves larger size women, but he also likes confident women. That is when I thought, "Hmmmwas it really me all this time?" Was I keeping people away from me because I didn't love me first. I would have to say YESSS!!!!! This made me wake up real quick. I am special and deserve to be loved too, but first I have to re-learn to love myself first! I am beautiful!!!

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it was long, but it felt so good to write.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MAGNIFATIC 12/3/2008 1:38PM

    Wow, what a revelation! Sometimes it is so easy to blame others for what we don't do ourselves. Even though it hurts, sometimes this is the swift kick we need to get ourselves in gear. Once we change our minds, our bodies fall in line.

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    were you in my head reading my thoughts? Becuase I know exactly what you are talking about. i've been with the same man for 12 years but he did treat me just like I treated myself, with disgust and anger. He often said things that I was thinking about myself. He told me that why should he care about me and treat me good when I didn't treat myself good? So, in the last couple of years I have been working on that, but I got pregnant and so of course I had to start with the weight loss, but I was bigger than Iever was when Iwas pregnant and I never felt so beautiful. I enjoyed that pregnancy. Anyway, now that I'm losing weight, feeling good again and looking good, he has been treating me in a whole new light and my confidence shines through his treatment of me.
You go girl. Big lesson to learn huh?

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DMBEANER03 11/24/2008 3:06PM

    Thanks for sharing. It's good that you were able to receive his comment and have a light bulb moment. I hope you really do believe that you are special and do deserve to be loved also.

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CLAIRE94620 11/24/2008 2:14PM

    Thanks for taking the time to write your post - it was well worth the read. Be the beauty that you are!

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TRINNI 11/24/2008 9:48AM

    What an awesome posting. Its so true and you're lucky to have people who love you and care enough to be honest with you.

Now, make a hair appt and get a little pampering :-)

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LAURAPH2008 11/24/2008 6:54AM

    You are lucky to have such a caring friend who will be honest with you. It sounds like you are at a good place where you can understand what he said and do something with it. Someone said something similar to me years ago but I wasn't ready to hear it. I think about this a lot now and try everyday to get that confidence back. It will come. You are on the right path!

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DEB2448 11/23/2008 10:26PM

    Thank You for sharing this. It really made me stop and think about things.

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    What a beautiful realization and you are blessed to have such wonderful friends who can be so open.
It is definitely something to think about! Thank you for sharing and good luck on finding that part of you again.

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TANSHAN1 11/23/2008 11:17AM

    Thank you for sharing really made me stop and think...So when we gonna go get our hair done girl?!?!? LOL!

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BUGGIE726 11/23/2008 11:05AM

    This was a real eye opener. Thank your friend for loving you as you.

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SWIM23 11/23/2008 10:58AM

    Thanks for sharing this, I too have let some things go. I am trying to lose weight, keep my grades up, spend time with my daughter and husband and some times I forget about me. This is truly an eye opener. Hang in there and we can get back to our old selves minus the weight. Best wishes to you on your journey. emoticon emoticon

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KRICKLET 11/23/2008 10:57AM

  THose are true friends who sound like great support for you. It is hard to be honest with someone when emotions are involved, but it sounds as if you handled it well and are using it as motivation. Good luck in your journey and keep their comments forefront in your mind so you do not go back the road you have travelled.

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SJELZY 11/22/2008 11:56PM

  Thank your friend again. He really does love you to give you this gift of self reflection. You've taken the first step-the rest is up to you. Like the Whitney Houston song says-Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all! And when you love you-you can love others. emoticon

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DOUBLEBLESSED 11/22/2008 11:07PM

    Thank you for the eye opener. I needed to read this today. Made me stop and think about my situation. I have to take care of me for me and not for anyone else. I'm happy but know I would be much happier if I was smaller. Thank you so much.

Kathy emoticon emoticon

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DRAGONFLYSPIRIT 11/22/2008 10:30PM

    I was telling my daughter just the other day how we used to get dressed up for the holidays, we don't anymore. We used to wear dresses or nice slacks and sweaters on those days. I used to never leave the house w/out makeup because I always wanted to look put together and let people know I was proud of how I looked. Regular hair cuts and colorings, manicures, make up. One day I got tired of all the work because it didn't matter anymore. No one else noticed how I looked, who was I doing it for? I don't think it happened after becoming a mom, either. Tonight I am at work without any makeup on and tousled hair that I touched up with the curling iron to look presentable to go to work. I have on a baggy T-shirt and BDU's b/c it's comfortable.
Thank you for the blog. It opened my eyes to see that I need to do it for ME, just like losing weight. It is for ME,

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WENCH21461 11/22/2008 9:35PM

    I totally agree, I feel that if we don't think much of ourselves no one else will either..thank you for that blog it hit home

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TANYAHALLJONES 11/22/2008 9:12PM

    I am so glad you wrote this blog. I have been separated from my husband for a little over two years and I am just now coming to grips with the fact that we are going to be getting a divorce. Our marriage didn't work for a number of reasons, but one of them was because I gained so much weight after I had our son(that he didn't really want me to have) I always knew my husband didn't like big women but I didn't know that I'd one day be one of those big women. Since leaving him I have gained AT LEAST fifty pounds. Even though I have come out of the depression, by God's grace, I am really beginning to realize just how much weight I gained, not just from my pregnancy, but from emotional stress.

Sometimes I don't think I'll ever find another man because I am so big, but you are right that it is probably not my size that will keep me single but the way that I neglect myself. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really helped me to see things clearer.

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KIYOSHI04 11/22/2008 8:09PM

    i am glad you wrote this. i am sorry you had to hear and think about this stuff, but i can see it has helped you.
this really hit home for me, too.. . the confidence and the knowing that you are beautiful just radiate through those women who are lucky enough to feel that way. and that is what attracts people to others.

i hope that you begin taking as much time as you can for yourself. i know it will be difficult for you, but you deserve to feel special and beautiful.
and you are SO worth it.

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GETTRIMNOW 11/22/2008 5:24PM

    Thank you for sharing....that really hit home with me...

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