Saturday, November 01, 2008
I thought about it long and hard early this morning and I CAN and WILL do this!! One of my DONE girls put it out there clear as day( thank you IMINIT2WINIT) and made me see that this is something you have to want. I started out very good and I have to get back on track.
1. I will get my butt up and get off this pitty wagon. I am going to have stress, just have to learn to deal with it.
2. I have to be healthy for me and my pooter. She deserves to get out of the house and not be stuck here because I am depressed.
3. My past is my past, I can't change it. It doesn't define who I am and I refuse to keep letting it hold me down.
I made a list of things that had to be done before the month is out and I also made a list of bills so I can mark them off as they are paid.
My life has been mass confusion. I am DONE with that. It has had a hold on me for far too long. I am setting a goal to loose 30lbs by Feb 1st. I will do this!!!!
Friday, October 31, 2008
I'm tired of letting stress take over my life.
Why do some men think that paying child support is where everything stops. Do they not understand that there are other things that go along with taking of a child other than money? Ok, maybe I am the one who is wrong for thinking that two people create a child so two people should be responsible for that child.
I leave my job 3 days a week, for 1.5 hr, to get my daughter. Thank god my job is very understanding, but I do have to punch out so I loose 4.5 hrs a week. I have to do this two days because her dad gets off too late to meet the bus, the other day her aunt(dad's sister) says that she was tired of being "on call" the third day so he says he can't get her so I have to take my daughter to her. So now I am losing time at work, buring a lot of gas because on those days I drive 103 miles, and I pay his sister $90lbs a week for those 3 days. My job requires me to work every 3rd sat. His sister says she is tired of keeping my daughter on those days because she is busy, so I asked her dad and he says he has to work. Now, yes he has to work, but this is his part time job to compensate for his child support. I told him this is not an option, I have to do this he says he is not going to take off. I already have to take half a day on tues, I am on vacation the following week, am I wrong for asking him to take the day off? I sacrafice all the time. I usually take my vacations when she is off so I don't have to find someone to keep her. I am only asking for 1 sat. every 3 weeks, am I so wrong?
All of this is stressing me out so bad that the last few days I have been binging and eating eveything in sight. If I keep changing my schedule and requesting days off, I could loose my job. I can't take the stress any more. I hate that I let him get me so angry, but I don't have much family and I need lots of help with my daughter. If I go to work part time I would be able to receive SSI, but that wouldn't be enough, If I continue like this I will go crazy. What do you do?
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A lot of us detox our bodies, but we forget about our minds.
This morning my co-worker woke me up at 7:28am. When I looked at the phone I thought something happened at work. She was calling to tell me Joel Osteen was coming on. I wanted to hang up on her and roll over and go back to sleep! When I went to work last Monday I told her that I was up early and I caught his show . I had seen his face before, but never knew his name or anything about him, but I listened and he was saying everything I needed to hear. He talked about not letting people steal your joy. I went to work with that attitued and even told a few people that I wasn't going to let them do it!
I never get too many days that I am able to sleep in so I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep. Then I thought about, this person remembered what I said and took the time to call, get your butt up. god needs you to hear this.
I got up and was glad I did!
His word talked about detoxifying our minds. Start your day off as you lay in the bed saying things like negative things aren't on my menu today. Fast from thinking negative thoughts. When people come to you through out the day and they are being negative or are saying negative things, let them know that those things aren't on your menu today. Let people know you are on a new diet plan and being negative is no where on that list so you can't have it.
I was raised in the church(my grandmother reminds me every sunday I do not attend church) but haven't been an active member for a very long time. I tried to go back when my daughter was around 8, but they didn't know how to care for her in the nursery and I became discouraged and didn't try another church. That was the devil blocking my blessings. I will get myself back into church!
I didn't mean to get preachy because sometimes people run and miss what is being said. Don't let the negative thoughts enter your mind and take over. No one can curse what god has already blessed.
BTW, I called her back and told her I would look for my call next Sunday.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Today i'm feeling kinda down. I was talking with my manfriend and things just aren't right. To make you kinda understand I have to start from the beginning. I will say I am not proud of this but, hey as they say"i'm keeping it real!"
My manfriend and I have been dating off and on for 15-16 years. During this time we have both dated other people and he got married 10yrs ago in November. I didn't even know a wedding was being planned. I found out a week before. I was "In Love" and he told me he only did it because his and her family made him feel as if it was the right thing to do because of their daughter. (his mother has apologized to me ) Over the years it was on again off again. When I wasn't in a relationship I would go back to h im because it was easy. I knew he loved me and he didn't care about my weight, so it was comfortable. I don't date alot because it is hard finding someone to care for my daughter. I don't have much family.
I am beginning to think I have dealt with this because my weight has made me so insecure. I hear people say I am pretty. I hear people say I have a beautiful smile and personality. I meet people all the time, but I have been ashamed of my weight so I have kept to myself. My friend has made the decision to leave home because he can't take being unhappy anymore. I told him I am starting on a new journey and I want to have fun and live life. I suggested a few things and he made the comment"didn't you do those things when you were in school." It kinda hurt my feelings because as a child I didn't do a lot of things because of the type of home I grew up in(physical,mental,and sexual abuse), and he knows this.
With all this being said, am I holding on because I am afraid? I know I love and care for him, but am I really in love with this man. Like I said in the beginigng, all the things I have done were not right, but it is life and all I can do is ask for forgiveness. I am just feeling down because I just don't know.
Sorry I just had to vent, thanks for listening/reading if you take the time to do so.
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