Saturday, August 23, 2008
After many years of doing things for others I am learning to love me and do for me. I have been in an on again off again relationship with someone for many years. I know deep down it is very toxic. I know that he can't love me the way I need to be loved, so why do I stay? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why am I being bothered with someone who makes my skin crawl sometimes because of the things he says.
These are questions I keep asking myself. I would like to find someone who loves me, but at times I don't think I will. I think people would look at me in disgust because of my weight or people wouldn't accept my daughter because of her disability. I think of all these things instead of the positive things I have going for me. I am smart, I am funny, I am beautiful on the inside, I love helping people, I love to see other smile and happy. I could name a lot more so why do I think someone would meet me and fall in love with me, I don't know. I think the devil sends me little things to make me feel this way. For instance, the other day I accidently dialed the wrong number and the young man called me back. He said I had a nice voice and began a conversation. At first I just laughed it off, and then I said hey, you never know how you will meet "The One" so we had a few conversations and I thought he was really nice. He kept saying we should meet. He described himself and so did I. I even told him hey, I have a few extra pounds. He said what counts is on the inside. I felt that was too good to be true, but ya never know. We met face to face and we haven't spoken since. So now I am starting to get those feelings back. Why do I do this to my self????