Sunday, July 20, 2008
Is definitly the devils's tool. I have been home all day( have to take my car to the dealer in the morning) and I have thought nothing but negative thoughts all day. Well I had a few good thoughts,but the bad out weighed those. I am starting to be honest with myself about who I am and what made me this way.
I grew up not knowing my self worth. I was sexualy, physicaly, and emotionaly abused as a young child. This made me become a person with a very hard heart. Growing up I just wanted someone to love me, but I was afraid to allow them after all the hell I went through. My mother left me when I was 14 yrs old and I was so upset and couldn't understand why. When I was older I realized she actualy did me a favor in some ways. My father passed several months after this and this is when my shell became even tougher. I vowed never to become close to anyone again. As time went on I let two people into my world and they both failed me. People who know me in my everyday life would never know these things because I'm always kind to others, I love to see people happy, I love to help people, and I always wear a smile. Looks are sometimes decieving. As I am taking this weight loss journey I am also learning to love me!!!
Today I thought how would anyone love someone like me. I have been single for a long time. I find myself in relationships that are either very unhealty or " I just want to be friends, but we can still have sex" type of relationships. I have a daughter with a disability who will be with me until one of us leaves this earth, what man would want me. I'm not the cute chearleader I was in high school. Then I told the devil to get out of here. Who wouldn't want to love me. I am a person who cares about others, I love my daughter, I'm funny, I'm smart, I have the biggest heart in the world that has begun to soften, and best of all I am one of God's children.
When I began this journey I had to be honest about my whole life. I am learning to deal with my battles.