Sunday, September 03, 2006
I should probably come up with a less sarcastic title for this blog entry (and after all there is a very, very slight chance my mother will actually see this someday, yikes!), but I really do kind of blame my Mom for certain unhealthy attitudes that still dominate my life. She is a wonderful woman, caring, giving, loving.... but she taught me to love being "bad." And, like I have for the past decade, she has struggled with her weight and self-image.
In Mom's vocabulary, "good" means eating food that is good for you, watching your intake, exercising, etc. Seems innocuous, doesn't it? But, "bad" means doing something fun. Like eating that chocolate cake (yum!) or having a private champagne tasting for no reason at all other than having fun.
My daily conversations with my mother go something like this:
Me: "Hey, how's it going?"
Mom: "Oh, I don't know... I was kind of bad, today. I was really good yesterday, but today when I went to bridge club I was just a little bit bad. I took my lunch and my diet drink, like I planned, and I didn't eat any of the cookies one of the other ladies brought, but then everyone else wanted to troop down to the cafeteria (at the senior center) and get some banana pudding, and I got some too. I didn't eat it all, just maybe a third of it."
Me: "Well, that's not too bad - you didn't eat it all. A little bit won't hurt you. And you didn't eat the cookies. That's great!"
Mom: "I guess. Now I just need to be extra good for the rest of the day."
Everything having to do with food is discussed in terms of degrees of good and bad (mostly bad). This really warps my thinking, because I have a real rebellious streak, and when I'm feeling down, or frustrated, I just want to do something BAD. That was always the consolation. Making the wrong choice has an extra thrill beyond the immediate gratification. Not only does the brownie taste great, but I get to feel naughty.
This is a very difficult pattern to change. It is one that I have been making a conscious effort not to pass along to my children, in the language that I use with them, but it still shapes my thoughts when I am not paying attention. I can't express the will-power it took for me not to stop and get something "bad" yesterday (although I'm sure lot's of you can identify) - like a chocolate duet cookie from Panera - everywhere I passed, my mind did a mental catalog of badness. It wasn't that I was hungry, it was definitely emotional self-sabotage. I clung to my long-term objectives with my fingernails and finally compromised by over-indulging in kettle corn. And eating too much of the low-fat pizza I made for dinner. Not a triumph, but not a complete disaster.
I can't claim that I really understand all that is going on with this fixation on being "bad" - some deep-seated emotional issues, for sure. But I am starting to think that I need to talk about it with my Mom. Maybe we can help each other change.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Today was challenging. I guess the morning was okay - the kids got up earlier than usual, and I hung out with them until mid-morning. We went to ToddleTown - a pay-to-play place that the kids love - for the rest of the morning, but then the boys didn't take the long nap I anticipated afterward. *sigh* And the goldenrod blooming everywhere gave me one heck of a headache.
No nap = fussy/cranky/whiny kids. Bleah. I had my usual evil thoughts that I never act on and dragged us all to the grocery store to get the milk everyone was whining for. But I have to admit that it was more challenging than usual for me to keep my cool and not scream at my kids through all this. I have been a grump and a half. I really wanted to rant and rave. Often. Every little thing set me off. And I had planned to exercise during the nap (something inside, because... did I mention it was wet outside?), but no map also = no exercise.
The boys are going to bed early tonight. Really early. I even feel too grumpy/tired to eat dinner. Maybe I will just go to bed when they do. I have managed not to eat to make myself feel better - actually a major accomplishment. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Monday, August 28, 2006
I have decided that my reward for reaching my weight goal - and therefore regaining my "hotness" (LOL, such that it was) - will be to go Goth for a while. I am going to go out and get some funky black clothes, resurrect my black shoe collection (the one funky item I used to get away with in the work world) and, naturally, get a funky haircut and dye my hair dark blue. Or midnight purple.
Why would I want to do this? Beats the heck out of me. Maybe because this is the one time in my life when I am not constrained by worries about what my friends will think of me (as I was at a younger age) or by the restrictions of the corporate/professional world. I will do it because I can. And because I have a limited window left in which I will still be young enough to think it is fun and not look *too* ridiculous (but who cares?).
To me this will be a GREAT reward. A way to cut loose. My husband says "Go for it!" even though I think he is secretly wondering what the partners in his law firm will think.
My Goth phase probably won't last long. That is a pretty high-maintenance image. I am sure that when I finally get back to what I consider my "fighting weight" I will be too busy playing with my kids, roller-blading, skiing and generally enjoying an active life, again, to worry about anything more than being the best version of myself possible.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Wow. 8+ glasses of water each day. I don't think this has ever come naturally - I have speculated that I confuse being thirsty for being hungry and eat instead of drinking fluids. The very thought makes me feel bloated.
However..... now that I am forcing myself to drink what seems an unnatural amount of water each day, I am finding that I eat less. My stomach always feels full. Who has room for food? I slosh, I gurgle. And I run to the bathroom. My kidneys must be in shock. But, I'm losing weight, so will continue on the theory that I don't want to mess with success.
I know people complain, but I have to admit that getting up in the night to pee really isn't that big a deal for me; my two toddlers are always in need of some sort of nocturnal attention:
"Mommy! Cover me up!" (Likes to be tucked back in at 3 am. *sigh*)
"Mommy, I need a friend!" (Can't reach 12 inches to grab one of many stuffed animals. *sigh*)
"Mommy, I need water!" (Ugh. Have some of mine. Please.)
I have read in the forums that the constant need to offload liquid wastes will subside after a while. Okay, but I can't help but wonder what happens to all that water if I'm not continually peeing??? Am I supposed to sweat that much more? Not likely any time soon. Will my bladder expand to hold more, longer? Ugh. Will I start drooling more in my sleep? I just don't know. I'm sure I will run across an answer to this burning question someday. In the meanwhile..... chug-a-lug. Only four more glasses to go, today.
Time to pee.
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