Saturday, October 23, 2010
I stopped feeling fat. I feel normal.
I even think of myself as a desirable person. What a change being on the downhill slope makes!
For the last 3 years, I cringed when thinking of my physical appearance, saying "my big fat self" when referring to me... Having been a model in my youth was not to help.
The last three years, every attempt at loosing weight ended up with a weight GAIN (not muscle mass mind you). The medication for fibromyalgia just aggravated that tendency. I had reached a point where I had concluded that I better get used to that figure cuz it was impossible to loose ever again.
The pictures I look at of my body right now are not so different yet. But HOPE makes a whole new set of rules. And two more very important factors play in. Over all, my PAIN levels have dropped dramatically and stabilized. I oscillate between 4 and 6 and I have not had a shooting pain in 2 weeks. I call shooting pains that electric shock like feeling that make you grasp for air when you hit your "funny bone"; I used to have them regularly, about 5 a day on a regular basis and up to 15 per hour in crisis mode.
So I INHABIT my body more thoroughly and it allows to feel nice stuff as well!
Thirdly, my energy levels are much greater than they were, between 6.5 and 7 consistently. That means that I accomplish things rather than start them and get discouraged and overwhelmed in the midst of it. I do feel overwhelmed right now but its mostly because I have undertaken to much at the same time so I'm trying to get things done. Feeling that you can accomplish things bring up your SELF CONFIDENCE; anyway it does for me.
So HOPE, INHABITING (or self re-appropriation) , SELF CONFIDENCE are the 3 amazing collateral effects of my antioxidant weight loss/wellness challenge at this time.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Yesterday, I realized that I generally, as a whole, feel much better than a month ago. I also feel more at peace, and, I am not sure it is the way to say it in English, but, I feel the "state of grace" I was in during my first 18 months living in Venezuela, coming back to me.
I was on the bus for a short ride to the mall. I dislike taking the bus. I am generally uncomfortable with the crowded moving promiscuous settings. I was annoyed by the frowning faces of people, by the stupidity that slowed down everyone (can't you just move to the back instead of blocking everyone at the door), by the pissed faces of people coming in and pushing their way through. A thought crossed my mind: people are so lousy, nobody smile and there is some agressivity in the air that just disturb my little bubble. Can't they just leave me alone. I wished I could withdraw and be walled in and not disturbed.
Than, this is where a little voice came out of nowhere and said " What does YOUR own face looks like in this very moment, when you have these sort of thoughts".
I realized I was probably not very smiling myself; that in fact I was probably having the same kind of unwelcoming faces I was reproaching to others. I thought it would be so much nicer if some people were smiling. And than I thought "What would happened if I were to smile"
And than I thought " Ahhhh leave me alone" and than I realized that this was exactly the giving up attitude that was leading the crowd to this sad ambiance. Than I figured that someone had to start and than I decided to give the others what I wanted to be given. So transformed my inner attitude into a smiling one, sending the light of that smiling energy around, to nobody and everybody in particular. Things became lighter. I went on with my errands.
Later on, I was at the mall with very little money to spend. I have not qualified for welfare, did not qualified for unemployment and do not receive school grant since I abandoned my semester. Before I go back home, I was hungry and knew that it was not a good idea to stay hungry since i would most likely binge when i would get home. So I went to the food court.
I am a bit wary of that food court. Prices are really low, probably due to high competition for the little business there is to have. It does not look dirty but not clean either... Anyhow, walking around I was wondering what i would get. I did not have enough for sushis, and was debating whether to have a poutine or not. A poutine is almost a 1000 calories in one sitting so, unless its a good one, it would suck to spend money and calorie allotment on something not great. Its so easy to screw up poutine... In front of a shop, I stop. There is chicken and rice that looks appetizing. At almost 4 pm... I'm wondering how long it has been in the warmers... There is also today's junk special (poutine and hamburger and drink for 4.99 - scary low) or the daily meal...I ask how much. Rice potatoes chicken leg and salad: 4.99 I say ok. I am still not sure that it is what i want but I say ok. With a glass of tap water. For here.
I ask for that salsa on the side. As I sit and am about to start, I notice how nice and comforting that smells. I cut a bite. Its delicious. I look around, the crowd. Low class, poor, I consider myself, my worn out clothes. I fit in the picture. Than I look at that scrumptious food in front of me and there is only one thougth that breaths out of me...
"Thank you God, for this meal, those who prepared it, and provide bread to those who don't have"
This prayer was taught to me as a child. But suddenly they were my heartfelt words. I felt I was so blessed. My joy was pure. And again, I said, Thank you Thank you, I am so lucky, this taste so nice.
I savoured every bite. I realized that business was probably difficult for the young man at the counter, standing for long hours, never having meaningful human contacts, with people trying to have the most for as little as possible, unconscious or oblivious of the value of paying the correct price for things, and yet, he had served me with a smile and compassion and genuine interest. People like him bring value to this world. They continue to value giving quality and sharing of themselves despite the general tendency to greed and neglect. I wanted to let him know " I see you". So before I left, I went to the counter addressed him a genuine smile and told him "Fue muy sabroso, gracias". He smiled a bit surprise and okayed me.
This whole moment in my day nurtured me. Nutrition is more than vitamins and calories. Its also love.
Monday, October 18, 2010
I took a day off the shake completely yesterday. I did not go on a junk food spree though. I simply did not feel like having the shake yesterday. Nevertheless, this morning I did feel i wanted to take it :)
Since the whole week where I was out of shake, this is the first time I don't take it at all. Its a good thing that it is so low in calories and yet brings in so much antioxidants. After a while, it becomes rather monotonous so the other food intake during the day make up for it. I'm also out of bananas so I cannot do the warm version I created, just the frozen shake. And I get annoyed with the chocolate taste after a while. It can be the best chocolate in the world, it gets old after a while.
So I guess I will have to create new recipes and restock on bananas ;)
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Well thats about it. It stopped raining so I feel a bit better physically. I also noticed that I have more energy as a whole.
I have had lots of craving the last few days. Being more active doing construciton work in the house, I usually had a hard time waking up in the morning because of aches and that would end up sabotaging my feeding habit since I would only do the lunch shake instead of twice a day.
My friend suggested I still do it twice, one at wake up and one around 4 pm and have dinner. That did the trick. I did not feel so crazy cravy.
Accomplishment yesterday. Removed one plank across the entire house so that i can see the beams and drill holes to pass the wires for electricity. And the night before I had redone the tub caulking. Man do I hate doing that! At least now it does not look perfect but it is clean. I also had to do a treatment for black mold before recaulking!
I figure i should not only blog about my erratic and inconsistant dieter temper but also about the busy bee I am when I try my best to get things done, despite poor health, energy levels, financial insecurity and so on!
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