Saturday, September 18, 2010
I ran out of X-meal so today I had a solid lunch and... it was way too high in calories and not really a good choice of calories and I've felt not so good. Really I feel the difference between a high antioxidant meal and a high in free radical producing one; and quite honestly I am looking forward to go back on the shake tomorrow.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Well the picture does not show much; and there is only 3 pounds difference from last week, which is 1 more than my goal (2 per week). However my pajamas do fall off my hips so i guess there are some changes. I think from next week I will set up the camera at a very precise spot and will use the camera instead of my iphone as well as a back drop. Since i'm documenting might as well do it right.
So go me :)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I wanted to blog everyday about how I feel during this weight loss challenge. Today, I am simply thankful that I am here, now, taking a few minutes to write.
It seems in life that if you get caught in the disappointments of not doing... let me change pronoun here... what I wanted to do with respect to a specific aspect of my "living being expression in action" does not turn out to be what I had in mind, I have had the tendency to abandon the project altogether.
This year I have nurtured new behaviors and new attitudes, and also freed myself from many conditioning fears that were preventing me from moving forward.
I guess its because I felt too confined in my comfort zone and frustrated that i could not see improvement in getting towards some more important goals. As an example, my health, my weight, my schooling, my work, my interactions with people in situations of conflict had not improved in many years. Although I had gained clarity and grown to accept to see my imperfections and love me beyond them, I had a deep longing to improve, not because I could not live with what and who I was but, this time, because I profoundly wanted to learn new ways, experience new feelings.
The years before were not a loss of time; I have grown strong skills that were needed in the transformation that was going to happen. To my perseverance, I added focus, to my self observation, I added compassion, to my reliance on inner criterias, I added the confidence required to look also out there to nourish and give a broader spectrum to my attitude building beliefs and self built conclusions. I gave my courage the occasion to come out of my fantasies and expressed itself it the midst of all the turmoil that was my lot for several years and after using it to walk in the dark for 3 years, not giving up, pestering the unending of the trial, begging that I had proven myself and concluding that real courage was probably to keep walking when all these temptations of victimizing, denial, anger, doubts, superiority complexes, entitlement and other facettes of my personality were bringing me on the verge of giving up.
I also walked deeper in compassion. My own decay, physically and, as a consequence, economically, socially, and emotionally, taught me several important lessons about poverty, social status, food counters, dignity... Issues that I had "considered" from the heights of the superior person I had deemed myself with an arrogance I was not even aware of, but that I had not lived in my guts. When one's ethics remain a matter of the mind, one can hurt and damage the very issue one pretend to defend.
Accepting finally to see, I started to see the hurt I caused in others and that left me more sad and abash than shamefull- which is in part due to the humour and compassion my psychologist at the time expressed towards me. That in turned gave me the motivation to want to change and to learn to be compassionate towards myself.
Learning to become compassionate towards my ridicule self avoidance, offensive unacknowledged attitudes and operating values, my compassion became broader.
Changing is an ongoing process and its not suddenly today at 40 years old, that I wake up and feel a better human being, "fixed" and now ready to live life.
Its only by acknowledging what has been accomplished that I can understand and accept that at 40 years old, I am not what I "wanted".
We "want" many things... but do we know, what we REALLY WANT?
Changing certain simple words can make a whole lot of difference.
What would happened if i were to use fancy, for all these things that you know, its "normal", culturally or otherwise, to "want".
I want world peace is not that far from I want to be rich and famous by 25, or from I wanted to have my children (still not having any!) before 30 or I want a good job. Really. Very little set these "structuring needs"* apart. They are all in the fantasy, wishful realm of our dreams. And per say, they are not bad, at all, they can be a tremendous well of motivation.
But they cannot be the check list of criteria by which one evaluate his life.
What we WANT is. And this is where we must learn that we must be coherent and want what we need.
So I fancied writing my blog everyday, thinking that this would make me proud of myself.
Now I recon that my assiduity to come back, not give up after 3 days of silence, makes me proud, and encourage me to continue further, improving my consistancy. Instead of damaging my motivation by remaining disappointed that I "failed" (evaluation on a fancy), I can now conclude that I am on the right path considering that I am learning new behaviors, new attitudes and that it becomes more easy than in the past to change the way I evaluate the actions through which my living being expresses since I notice that I use this evaluation to caution or not the perseverance in a direction. (Evaluation on a want: I want to learn and grow in ways that will enable me to create more happiness, health and wealth in my life)
* Essential needs are shelter, safety, food, water, air, sex, pleasure, friends, learning, self actualization etc. Structuring needs are what culture, education etc, have molded us to "want (fancy)": castle, guns, pizza or brocoli, bottle water or tap, etc.
Monday, September 13, 2010
With fall and the rain and the pain and periods and an overwhelming todo list, I really don't "feel" like getting out of bed.
Worst, with toughts of giving up on everything, scared of making drastic stupid moves, I want to stay in bed and sleep it off.
I went way past my limits for the last 4 weeks. I was thinking... bah... i'll just sleep it off a day or 2 and than will be back on track. NOT.
I realize now that this kind of thinking is not working for me.
My body does not like to be jerked around and can't take the pressure of trying to recup from these self inflicted injuries any longer. What has been my life long way just has to stop cuz it is simply not working anymore.
I have to learn to plan better the rest and the activities and start to abide by my decisions. Being a super woman is not about exerting my body and mind over their limits (which i have yet to accept and understand) but rather doing better with what's there.
Sounds great. Sounds easier said than done. Its too cerebral.... I'm trying to convince myself but I am not listening. It's like a parent talking to a slouchy teenager. All I want is go back to sleep in the world of denial, until i wake sort of sparky or with at least a sparky idea that will drive some motivation and activity out of me, probably, as usual, not related to what i really have to do, but that will juice up things for an instant, until i get even more tired and look at all the not done and feel like i can't get over anything.
At this very moment, the to-do is not even a list. Its a cloud that clutters my mind, which i want to run away from. Every time somethings shapes up from the cloudy nebula, the weight gets heavier on my shoulder and the urge to go back to bed is more pressing.
As a matter of fact, instead of going to school to make sure that my maquette is ready for 1pm, when the workshop starts, i can't wait to finish writing this and... go back to bed for a little more napping.
Which part is real tiredness and pain exertion which part is mood induced... hard to say... that just makes guilt of not taking action add up to the snowball built up.
I know what i have to do: I have to decide to listen to my get up song, give myself a definite time to do the todo list (so that i can classify things in priorities) and than make my next shake for lunch and off to school.
After saying it so loud and clear... the fact that i am still thinking of just going to lay under the blanket a bit more (as if 10 min will give me more than the last 3 days of rest???) sounds obnoxious...
Yet... i so want to run away from so much truth and clarity here and head to bed
will make a deal.
will do take 10 minutes. And than will come back and build the to-do list. (of course a little nuisance voice is like... but you are not doing your homework what about it you will show up AGAIN empty handed)... Yes. true. but better do the to do list and stop the hemorrhage of failing deadlines for lack of clarity than doing what i was going to do anyway, sleep until its too late.
So off to bed for 10 minutes and than 30 min for making a thorough todo list
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I have a challenge today. I want to stay in bed all day; I allowed myself to do it yesterday but today i can't because i have things i must do and its only possible today; I have pain but most of all, I am overwhelmed and lost interest in anything, I can't seem to keep up with anything and i am on the verge of panic.
I lost clarity and focus.
This is mainly because for the last 3 weeks, I have been way way past my limits and I knew it; I wanted to accomplish a few goals I was very passionate about; I wanted to complete certain chores lingering and I wanted to get to a clean slate to be able to breath in the next few months.
Not only is my slate seemingly completely cluttered but im exhausted and don't know what the f* I found so passionate about most of those things. A clear sign that i am not in my right mind right now.
I keep walking cuz i hope that clarity will eventually return and i don't want to jeopardize anything.
However I know that this is not the right way to do it.
Looking forward to meet with my coach on Tuesday.
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