Saturday, March 08, 2014
I fell off the wagon
I lost sight
I don't trust myself to commit
I have many proofs i lack consistency.
I need to love me
I need to stop being scared
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
I won't talk for long. I will just practice writing with more consistency. Well, that's a true statement for failure.
Ok lets rephrase... I am committing myself to write 3 times a week.
Bye for now :)
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Lord knows how tempting it would be in the spot I'm in, from the perspective I get in this pothole I stucked myself in. Cuz I decided to believe it's "JUST" a pothole.
My old programming comes back in full force boasting thoughts such as "It always comes to the same thing" " Every time you are on the path to something all fall aparts" "I don't know what to do" "I feel exhausted (which is true)" and so on.
WELL... THANKS FOR SHARING.
Oh, i am not saying it was easy at first to switch to something else. At first all I could do was try and convince myself that I did wanted to breath!
The pain in my chest was making me want to cringe and cower to my bed and every attempt to talk myself to open up was producing more adamant recoil. So I did go to bed and just focused on fighting a deep breath through each cringe and each thought that would bring me back in a prison of fear.
I breath through and eventually broke through when I remembered an exercise we had done at UIBC. Remembering and focusing on the memory of how effective and powerful the anchor I had created at the event had been, I started doing it.
My personal phrase is "I believe". Because I REALLY deeply profoundly believe in God. Its actually the only thing I never doubted in my life. I have doubted everything, feared everything but God. And every time in my life I have entrusted myself to Him(Her ;) ) I have been blessed with responses beyond anything I could have imagined.
Unfortunately, in the past, I seldom felt worthy enough or that I should bother him (like God could be bothered) with petty stuff or myself, reserving my plea for when I was at the bottom of the barrel. I have never had trouble showing gratitude and thanking. I'm a joyful heart. But I have never thought to let him walk along, through the petty as well as the horrid.
Its pretty sad, since that sort of warranted some life long struggle with ups and down... a little bit like a justification to meet with an old beloved friend!
But I'm deviating right now so back to the fight to stay afloat and nourishing positive thoughts.
Of course it was tempting to see the brain training system as a failure. After all, I had stopped logging my food on Spark, I was back to square one (but was I) and still with debts.
15 minutes ago, I wanted to scream with anger. I wanted to protest, I was wondering what to do now.
Feeling absolutely demotivated about looking for another "job". Pissed that I had not been able to keep that one long enough to have some financial breathing room.
Tempted again by old demons (going back to university to do my master but not knowing in what!) I guess to others it should be obvious when you are considering doing a master, to know in what you want to do it. Well its all a matter of energy and not trusting myself that I will have enough passion to follow through.
Thinking about some business project that my actual "freedom" would allow me to spend time on and feeling completely demotivated. Wondering where all that passion I was feeling for those had gone.
Feeling absolutely unconvinced while browsing through job offers. Debating AGAIN (frustrating that this is always back on the spotlight) what I should do with my life.
See... this is where it got interesting. I was about to crawl in bed again (It is splattered with sun at this time so I might go but to get a sunbath ;)
When it hit me....
Courage is when things are hard, and you think you've been good and enduring and that life should give you a break and that the break is not coming, courage is to continue then. I had gone through that experience 8 years ago for about 3 years.
Abundance mentality... is to see beyond the restraints of the angle or point of view we are in.
It looked to me that I was back to my failure state, beaten down by the "You are extremely competent, but it just don't work with the team here" so many times heard pink slip comment... It was difficult to know how to not feel ahamed for my big mouth lack of social skills (for a communication psychosociologist thats pretty shameful) bulldozer stupid attitude.
I was looking for a hand rail to hold on to... Not wanting to fall into the cheap shot comforting clichés such as "they did not deserve you" and crap like that. It was not a good match, for one. Despite the great location, salary, field of work that had me absolutely raving about the position, the daily life reality of that job was not a good match. For either. So really, it was the right thing to happen.
That does not make being rejected any more pleasant. But, must not have been pleasant for them to deal with big mouth overbearing with ideas missy here either. Now I'm almost making myself laugh.
What helped me, was to remember a win win situation. My job at Katimavik, and that at CQDM. It helped because there at least I fit in, I was appreciated. At least one or two like that! I can go with this. Scarce but it happened; it still can happen. Thing is to try to identify what were the factors that made this situation work for both me and the company and than focus on that when looking for a position.
One thing is for sure. I need a window! And a closed office. And no Glade! That toxic stuff makes me nauseous! I am scared to ask for all these things I know deep down I want cuz I feel I'm being a prima dona and that so many people deal with situations worst than that and that I should be happy to just get a job in the first place.
Hear the big buzzer here: WROONG! Thank you for sharing.
The abundance mentality isn't a fake, its a skill to develop. 90 days is short time to reverse 40 years of "when you are born for little you ask for little" mentality.
At least I must give the abundance mentality a few credits: it actually got me to that job in the first place!
It helped me switch off and bounce (well lets say keep moving ) back on track.
What I will do. Today, I don't know.
But I have things to do, to find out. I have goals to set, an a wall full of ideas to organize.
What tomorrow holds in, I don't know. But today, I will do what I can to continue to move forward (out of the pothole first ;)
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
I am still completely out of whack given the last 5 weeks major life changes but I feel I am making progress in reshaping my daily habits.
I am very tired but too stimulated and motivated to realize it. However, I now know the difference. The clarity I have when I am properly rested does not lie.
I am going to sit and make a list of all that is in my brain at this time, make priorities and find a way to rest while having things getting done (what am I going to do, clone myself... that was an oxymoron statement! The girl needs to get the priorities straight!)
Sunday, March 20, 2011
It is not dramatic. And the last few months incredible progress have rooted strongly in me the confidence and trust, that I will be able to reharmonize all the new things that have entered my life with the previously acquired new skills and routine.
I have decided that steps back do not exist. What we call wrongly a step back is a DELAY or PAUSE that we can use to assimilate, integreate, rethink replan, relearn.
Life is too complex to expect to get it the first try. So its about continuing and appreciating what has been done and what is been given to us.
So here are the symptoms:
- I forget systematically to take my medication
- I have skipped doing my bed for a few days
- I have reverted to unhealthy bed routines
- I have experienced food compulsivity
- I have skipped logging in my food
- I have skipped brushing my teeth
- I have lost the ability to just go and sleep when needed.
- I stopped doing my brain training system
This has occurred because 2 major changes have happened in my life, I have started working and I have a boyfriend (although that has brought a lot of joy and motivation in my life).
Also, several lingering issues have unblocked with actions to be taken with respect.
The new job means adaptation, new routines, a learning curve
AND of course, I am still late in things I had undertaken when I was unemployed: making my vision board, establishing a routine (which I could not really do because I did not know what space work would take and now, cuz i'm too overwhelmed to find the time to do the planning!)
And I am going to cut this short cuz I have work for work to do and my tax papers to do urgently cuz i have a hearing wednesday with respect to the injustice I had to suffer during the last 6 months (wealfare refused because I had roommates to help pay the rent). I wish there were like, 10 more hours a day for the next week or so so that i could do all there is to do AND rest cuz i desperately need it!
Anyhow, I have started to introduce back some good things:
Since ashes wednesday, I have started reading the evangile (st-Luke) in the morning and the coran at night. First year that I do something specific for careme. Just felt right. And last week I discovered the church on the corner of my street. The community and service is so amazing, my only regret is not having been there before!
like this morning I went to church. Some meditation, singing and gratitude nourishes the soul and gives courage.
I also took my chocolate shake (it has been almost 2 months that i stopped taking it - since I wake up early, I can't wake up the roommates with the noise of the blender - I know i could do it at night but it does not taste as good as when frosty with frozen fruits.
I know I HAVE TO GET TO making my routine calendar. Will see what I can do.
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