Wednesday, July 07, 2010
I have beeing going to the gym semi-consistantly. I would like to go daily, but have been managing to go every other day (something is better than nothing though, right?) and I have been doing very good the last few times tossing out my old 20 minute routine for a minimum of 30 new routine... and it makes me feel amazing....... so, short side story: I only have a/c in my bedroom and my boyfriend and i have basically been living in our room b/c it is soooooo hot here. I usually work out in the morning, and I did workout yesterday morning, but this morning.... it didn't happen. I overslept. I planned on working out after I got home, but once I got in to the a/c in my room, I planned on remaining there the rest of the night.(EXCUSE!) Well, things have been semi- turbulant with Cye and i..... and while he feel asleep quickly, I laid there awake... annoyed and over thinking everything.... then.... I thought... "I'm gonna go to the gym".. and i DID. so, I got up got dressed and drove up to the gym. It was pretty busy when I got there and old me would have been very intimidated by that, but not the last few times... I am starting to find it very motivating and love working out with people, even if I don't know them. lol. So, I set my elliptical for 5 minutes longer than usual (35 minutes), turned on my Pandora, and went to town..... I really got into my music and surprisingly started feeling more and more and more motivated...... I ended up going for FIFTY minutes straight!!! the longest I have ever worked out. I could have gone even longer too! My shirt was DRENCHED in sweat but I was sooo smiley and happy... and I am sooo sooo sooo sooo SOOO PROUD of myself. I feel like I am starting to actually enjoy (Yes, I said ENJOY) excercising at the gym. I have already worked out longer than my SP plan requires of me this week! How AWESOME is that?! PLUS, for the very first time, I saw pictures of me from this past weekend and noticed IN MY FACE that I have lost weight, HOW AWESOME IS THAT?!?!?!!!! PLUS, Several people made comments saying i LOOKED MUCH SLIMMER! yAy! I am so happy right now. The gym has been my escape lately. It's the one place I can really let go of everything going on and focus on me. So, I just thought I would share. OH and ALSO, this is the longest I have ever stuck with any kind of plan - FOUR months! Probably b/c it's not a diet! It's a lifestyle change. =o] Couldn't have done it without reading the motivational pages and getting support from other SP members!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Okay so.... It's been a rough month. It truly has. My roughest month yet. I worked out about 11 times for the month of June.. Which, thinking about it, isn't so bad... even though I went from working out 6 days a week to.. that. But I am proud of myself.... here's what happened:
I let others discouragement get to me. Not that they were trying to be discouraging, but it's not like I go around flaunting every workout I do, very few people know about my changes.. people I trust. I don't tell people, unless they ask, because I don't want people to automatically think I am on a diet, when I am not, then they feel all weird around me like I have the plague or something then if I eat something they think would be "off limits" they say "Well, aren't you on a DIET?!" then I have to laugh and explain that no I am not, and never plan to be on another diet in my life and moderation is key. It's just that I don't feel like I have to tell everybody in the world. That is also why I do not have my facebook linked with my SP - I feel as though there are too many people on FB who don't really "know" me and I am not going to share my ups and downs and feel as though I am being judged by people... I don't know how to explain it... but I know some people would argue with me and say that you should "tell the world" b/c then you're more likely to stay on track.. and well, I'm just not that kind of person.. On here? Sure, that's fine, because that is why I am here and it is helpful b/c that's why we're alll here... but i have a SP so I can talk to people in my situation and get and give encouragement and I just don't see Fb as a place I feel comfortable at this time saying those things. ANYWAYS... sorry - I have a tendency to go off track...
OKAY SO.... I had a pep talk with myself yesterday saying "Beth, YOU DESERVE to be able to wear a bikini, you DESERVE to be able to wear whatever you want, you DESERVE to be happy in your own skin, you DESERVE to not be scared you won't fit in a ride, you DESERVE to have a dream wedding - wearing a dream dress like you've always imagined, you DESERVE to be healthy. Cye deserves a healthy girlfriend [future wife =o)] and your future kids deserve a healthy mom.... you DESERVE so much more" and every time I think about this and read it I cry... because.... I don't know what happened to me to make me think I didn't deserve all of these things and more... I don't know... and it makes me cry b/c I DON'T feel like I deserve it..... but after I go over all of those things I realize that maybe I DO deserve better and every time I workout it makes be start to believe it. Every time I make a positive choice it makes me believe it a little more. So, I decided to start again, pick myself up, dust myself off and keep moving forward. I DESERVE THIS.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Well, the weekend went well. I rejoined a gym on Thursday. I need a workout buddy - I just do. It's 20 bucks a month for access to the gym which is 24 hours Monday - Friday and like 7 - 7 on the weekends- I think. And you're allowed to bring 1 guest with you a day (So if Cye ever wants to go with me, which he is claiming he does, than he can, or I can bring whoever else). There's also massage chairs and tanning that is free to use... which, i don't tan, but the chairs I might use... Also, free trainers which I want to find out more about. Seems like a good gym, the best part is... it's right next door basically. A 5 minute walk maybe. And if Cye goes it justifies the price more for me - 10 bucks each a month is good. I should save that money for the wedding, but honestly, this is worth it to me - and I need to get out of the house for exercise, it motivates me to work out longer. And If I end up not using it, all I need to do is cancel. I guess if I can't find one of those than working out at a gym with other people will have to do. So, today was my first day. I was nervous to go by myself, I always am. I have reallly bad social anxiety... but I have been doing so awesome with it! For a person with social anxiety to do something like walking in to a place they haven't been before by themselves.... it takes a lot. And to actually do it is a BIG accomplishment. Well, I have done this THREE times in a week! Two times for school (I was so nervous I balled like a baby, lol) and once for the gym. I love it. =o] Makes me so proud. Anyhow, back to the gym. So, I went on the elliptical for a little over a mile and then on the bikes for 3 miles... so 4 mile workout... which, I wasn't really impressed on the bike. I had to work 3 times harder than on the elliptical to get my heart rate up to the target and I had it on a weight loss program for both machines. I could go for hours on the bike... I don't feel like the minimal calories lost even justify the use of it - it actually annoyed me. lol Maybe I would have liked it better if I just put up the resistance instead of using the weight loss program on it (which adjusts every how many seconds), i dont know. I LOVED the elliptical though, WOOOOO, it KICKED MY BUTT!!! I was sweating so much a few minutes in, then my heart rate was ABOVE the target, but I had a hard time getting it back down because once I was in the flow of it, it was hard to slow down. All in all though, it was a pretty decent workout. It felt good to workout in a different scene and I can't wait to use their express workout... it's a 30 minute circuit of cardio and strength training with you know when to switch when I stop light turns, so, that seems like it would be a reallly good workout, can't wait to try it. I am pretty exhausted this morning though. I just need to get back on track with my eating and sleeping, I feel so much better when I do so. Mondays and Tuesdays are class for me, so I don't get home until almost 10, so it's gonna take some getting used to. It is nice to be working out, I love how it makes me feel! =o]
Thursday, June 17, 2010
To My Body:
I am so sorry. I am just so sorry. What I have allowed to happen to you is just unacceptable. I eat when I'm not hungry - when I'm sad, mad, glad... for everything. I have chosen to sit on the couch watching the tv or staring at the computer instead of being active for far too long. I have come up with every excuse that is possible as to why I have ended up this way and why I won't exercise tomorrow. I am frustrated that I have waited so long. I am frustrated when I get jealous of other people's losing weight when I should be only happy. I am frustrated when I try so hard and have little results. I am frustrated that I have a hard time being happy with the results that I get. I am frustrated that b/c my mom and sister have had Gastric bypass they lose weight so much faster than I do - and I work SOO hard.... it is so discouraging and makes me want to quit. I am frustrated that I let one bad decision get me down for the entire day(s)...... but I am telling you all of this... so I can release it from me and we can move forward. We were doing so good for 3 months!! I was so proud, but I have let laziness and discouragement come in again but it stops HERE. Please forgive me body, for the last couple days, I am ready to move forward and let go of those bad decisions. I know there's a reason you keep waking me up with no alarm clock to work out every day even though I ignore you. Well, day 4 was the end of that. Let's move forward. I promise, this is a no excuse day.Though, let's take this challenge day by day and try not to look to far ahead, because it's going to be a journey and it can be overwhelming to look that far ahead. Let's do this. I'm ready.
In continuation to this blog:
I am letting go of the crying over what I am unable to control. I am letting go of the guilt I feel after making one bad decision. I am letting go of the feeling of hopelessness. I am letting go of the feeling of sadness that can be so overwhelming. I am letting go of the chips, cookies, and processed junk. I am letting go of feeling defeated. I am letting go of the feelings of jealousy. I am letting go of all of these negative feelings, so I can be excited.
Excited for the future. Excited that I don't have to race (You know I have never been a fan of super running, lol)... because this is NOT a race. I would be happy if we ALL got where we wanted to be, not if it was just me. What's the fun of being at the finish line alone? I know it takes time for some people who aren't ready. So, when you're ready, I will be there waiting to help you. I promise that I will encourage other people, I promise I will share my struggles and victories.
You know... I quit smoking about 6 months ago and I learned a major lesson. I learned that unless you are ready to do something - you WILL NOT be able to. I have learned that you need to be prepared. Before I quit smoking I researched. I read sooo many articles. So, when that day came, I knew what to expect. I knew that I was going to have withdraws, I knew I was going to be easily frustrated. I knew that I would want to start again/ give up. I knew that I would continue to think about cigarettes long after I quit. I knew that I needed to talk about it when I wanted to smoke, because if I talked about I would let the feeling go and I would not have the festering feeling of wanting a cigarette running through my body. I knew that I would never again be able to smoke another cigarette, because if I do, I WILL start smoking again. I don't care what you say: A person who has ever had a smoking addiction CAN NOT have the occasional smoke. If that was true you never would have started to begin with and ended up having an addiction. It's just the way it is. SO, I know that now and I accept that. I have come TOO far to have an occasional smoke of a cigarette. I refuse to do that to myself. I never again want to go through everything I went through when I quit smoking. It was very emotional. It felt like I lost a friend - that IS how it feels. But I did my research so I KNEW that was going to happen. I knew physically what my body was going through.... but I also knew... that it would be WORTH it. and boy, has it been. I didn't even have a major reason to quit. Of course the health and money saving reasons... but for me, that had no influence. That was just a bonus. I quit, and I know this sounds silly, but I quit simply because I HATE the smell on my clothes and in my car. HATE IT. And bam, 6 months later, here I am. I won't lie to you, I do still want a smoke sometimes - it's a mental thing, and I don't see that feeling going away, so I have accepted it. I just don't act on it. And I will not. I have made a conscious decision and I have stuck with it. I am VERY proud of myself, let me add.
So I guess where I am going with this is: It doesn't take much to start something. All it takes is one thing (for example, something so small as hating the smell on your clothes) to launch a major journey for yourself. SO, know I can put myself into a healthier lifestyle. And I am promising myself this. I know now what I need to do. I need to research. i need to keep up on the SparkPeople articles, they are so helpful. I need to use ALL of the tools they have provided me with on my journey - ALL FREE. So, here we go again. I am starting fresh, releasing my bad feelings the last few days. Poof, gone. Here's to me, you and a healthier lifestyle. =o]
Thursday, June 03, 2010
I have NOT been doing very good. It is by Gods good graces I have not put on weight in the last week. I overate (knowingly), I have not exercised enough, I let people get me down(BIG ONE!!!) and every time I pass by the scale I roll my eyes.
This is NOT what I WANT.
I want to be healthy.
And in the moment, It is SO easy to ignore my mind saying "uh-uh-uh... no no no Miss Beth.... you're gonna regret this" while I am coming up with THE WORST excuses ever to feel.. "okay" with my decision. PSSHHH... UNACCEPTABLE..
I WILL NOT LET IT TAKE OVER.
I do not have time for all this.. I am being a whiner, complainer and I need to get a grip.
I WILL NOT lose the weight by sitting on the couch. To burn calories you need to move.
This journey is SOO HARD. It's just as hard as I imagined it would be before when I would just think about it without taking action. But I HAVE done good. I have worked my ASS off for the last couple months. It's annoying b/c I feel like some people notice and they'll comment to me, which (ALWAYS) feels good, then others will notice but not say a word. usually the people who I would like to say it most don't. I guess it's just a personal thing. I like to get praise from other people. It makes me feel like my efforts are noticeable. I know I should really stop that... but... I don't know how. =o/
I have such a hard time coming up with goals and things to give myself at those goals that will keep me motivated. Perhaps I am thinking about this WAYYY too much. I need help with deciphering what is a good goal to aim for - 5lb increments? 10? 14? 3? I don't know!! lol. ANy tips?
Sorry, this blog IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. I am very frustrated with myself. I know I should just keep on movin forward.... and that's what I am doing.... but.. GAHH, it's frustrating.
It feels good to write a blog. It's very... therapeutic to me. I have always been one who holds my feelings in... so, to be able to release them is nice.
In OTHER news:
Newly engaged life is good... I feel like my mind is always racing trying to think of budget friendly ideas for the wedding (which is a really good distraction from food, lol). Weddings are so obnoxiously over priced. It's so annoying. i feel like making everything myself, though I know that's kind of unrealistic. And I LOVE how the second you say it's a wedding they mark "suckers" on your forehead, like you'll pay anything... jerks. lol..
Anyhow, I apologize in advance if you read alll the way through this expecting some kind of.... anything... as, there isnt much of anything to take away from here. lol Though if you do have some good wedding DIY websites, or tips about the goal setting thing, please feel free to leave them behind. I need all the help I can get in those two areas. =o]
I love when my pants feel big! lol
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