Monday, April 26, 2010
I have been feeling really depressed... well, actually, I do know why... I just don't know what to do about it. I am going through a time in my life where I am realizing that there are a LOT of really horrible people, Justice isn't always served and life most definitely is not fair. Most people aren't really your friends, they are just using you b/c you can help them in some way. I was always a person who would try to find the very best in people.... but for some reason, perhaps continually getting screwed over by people, I think maybe I should not think like this. Right now, I feel like I have no friends... I feel so... lonely. That's the best way I can describe it. I HATE this feeling of loneliness. Yes, I have Cye, and he is my best friend - and he is amazing... but as a woman, I like to have another woman to be close to. Somebody who I can just... talk to and not feel judged. Somebody who understands what I am trying to do in my life, losing weight, getting my life on track... and I just don't feel like I have that. Everybody seems to be busy doing their own things and dealing with their own issues. I don't want to bug anybody with my "complaining" but I need a person who will just simply listen. I just got done ending a friendship ( last month i think?) over lying and stealing (her, not me) and basically ending one with my cousin too. They were already friends, weren't friends and are now friends again - (long story - girl drama, ugh).So, I ended two friendships, essentially. While I miss my cousin, I had to let go... I realized that maybe she wasn't the kind of friend I wanted to have, if she would so easily dump me in the dirt and not even lend a hand to help me get out. Now, she is my cousin and I do love her dearly, we grew up together, so I am keeping the peace. I am just kind of keeping it on a "not-so-close-cousin" level and less like a "friendship" if that makes sense?? I am having a hard time letting go of the situation, because I feel no justice was served...and even more-so that I was pretty close to those two and now I feel as though I have nothing. My other best friend - who I grew up with, is about 8 months into a new relationship - just got a new job, is in school and we're on opposite schedules, so she's on a totally different page than I am... so, it's hard to get to hang out with her at all. My sisters are busy doing their own thing, 1 with a family and the other living the single life. My mom has been dealing with her own issues with complications due to Gastric Bypass surgery.... then there's me... I feel like I'm in limbo or something. Serious relationship, but no kids. Not into the bar scene, but still seeking fun and excitement.... This all ties into weight loss, I promise I will explain it now, lol. It just makes it hard. I am so excited that I have been working out (CONSISTENTLY FOR A MONTH!!!!!) and eating pretty good, loggin in to SP and remaining positive.... I just feel like I have no "support" I guess. I have no one who I feel like is all that excited for me doing these things that are so amazing for me (Except, cye of course, but remember I am talking about in the sense of a girlfriend, lol and still, he doesn't really have an issue, so he doesn't understand anyhow)..so I guess it really make me feel even more lonely... I feel like everybody is just waiting for me to fail once again. I don't know... maybe it's just the fat girl in me looking for an excuse to give up, while the skinny girl in me is still trying to remain positive... so I am left torn between the two. All I know is that I am doing this for no one but me, so I have to keep on track. i want this. It's just hard when there's no one to share it with. Just wanted to vent out a little. I start photography classes in a month, and hopefully I will network with some people there and that'll help me meet some people with a similar hobby as myself, which would be awesome!! So, I just keep looking forward to that.. Oh, down another pound!! How exciting!!
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Okay, so... I have been having a really tough week this week... though I have been forcing myself to work out - I just haven't been having a good week. I constantly feel myself searching for excuses on why to not work out... but I haven't given in yet... so, I suppose that's a good thing, right? I think I got the little boost I needed this morning. I was getting ready to hop into the shower and was walking by the mirror and caught a glance from the corner of my eye at the girl in the mirror, and I said out loud "was that my arm?" lol.. (Yes, I really did say that..) followed by a "Wow... my arm looks a bit smaller, that's really awesome!" I then proceeded to jump into the shower and then continue getting ready, with a smile on my face due to my previous discovery. When I got into work I walked into the restroom and there is a mirror right when you walk in and I thought "Wait, is my face looking a bit slimmer? I do believe it is." And that, my friends, made me feel pretty dang good this morning... so, I thought I would share. Happy Thursday!!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
okay, so this week... wow. it has been reallllly tough on me!!! I feel my motivation dwindling.... and I hate it. But every morning, I have been DRAGGING myself off my bed, saying, "Beth, just 1/2 a mile then you can quit....just get in 1/2 a Mile" and then of course once I get going I try and get at least 1 mile and push myself for 1.5.. which is good. I am glad, even though I know that once I get going I will continue to workout, I trick myself with leaving the option to stop if needed. It has just been really hard.. I feel like puking after I finish my workouts this week... it's weird.. they feel so... exhausting, when last week I couldn't get enough. I am sure it has to do with other stress related things going on in my life, but it's been tough.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Okay, so.... who would have thought that day 23 would be sooo hard!! I felt unusually tired yesterday and practically collapsed into bed when I did go to bed - I WAS TIRED!!!! I knew it wasn't going to be a cinch getting up and it was not. I literally had to FORCE myself to get up. It would have been TOO easy to skip today, but I didn't. I didn't do my 1.5 miles and weight training... but I did do 1 mile @ 3.6 mph. =o] I really had to push myself today.. and I complained to myself the entire time, like a big ol' whiner. Today was just rough. I wanted to cry.
I tried grocery shopping yesterday.... it was semi a nightmare. I thought I was doing good until I watched a 'toothpick' grocery shopping. All she had in her cart was fresh veggies... I immediately got frustrated... Why don't I do that? Why isn't is that easy for me to pick up only fresh food? It's so hard to make good food choices and remain happy about them. I didn't buy junk really... no cookies or chips or stuff like that... but I really wanted to buy a lot of veggies... but when I got to the veggies section I felt like a lost puppy. I have no idea how to cook any of this stuff, let alone know if I like it. I know, I know. It's an excuse, if I really wanted to I would find out. And, originally I was planning on looking up some good veggie meals and making sure I was prepared for shopping on Tuesday, but after Cye got home we decided that Monday was the best day to grocery shop this week. I just keep learning. It's really hard and I don't want to sabotage myself.. so I need to prepare better for next time. It's hard to remain positive. I am so used to dropping pounds quickly, giving up and then gaining some back... but this time I am losing them the right way, so I am not losing as fast as I would like...so it's not as motivating like dropping pounds quickly, but I am trying to turn my life around, so I have to keep reminding myself that it will be worth it.
On another note.... Cye wants to go to Mackinaw Island in a couple week for a night.... (proposal perhaps??!!!) I don't really want to go because I think it's quite expensive for what you get, but he is being very persistent. BTW - He showed me my ring on Friday! LMAO. He said it was because he wanted to prove to me that he had gotten it and he could tell it was bothering me (which it true it was)... lol... I told him yesterday that he should have never showed me bc now it's driving me crazy. My sister said it's bad luck to show the ring... but I picked it out... so I already seen it? I just didn't see it with my diamond in it.. and besides Cye and I are known to do things a little ass backwards now and again in the 4.5 years we have been together. lol. PS - my ring is BEAUTIFUL!!! It truly is. and I didn't try it on either. I don't want to try it on until I get to keep it! lol.
Also, Cye is SO supportive in my workout efforts. He really is. He is so encouraging and he always tells me I am doing good... I feel so lucky to have him for support. He is doing so good.
Well, I suppose I will end here for now.... But I will continue to blog about my adventures.... and I will continue to try. I love SP because I cant vent here without feeling judged and he support system here is remarkable!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Okay!! I am so sorry for not posting for over a week!! (not that anybody reads this, lol) I have been pretty busy, but worry not - I have been working out faithfully every single day (sometimes twice a day!!) except on Sundays... those are my days off, which makes for a killer workout come Monday mornings!! I am so proud of myself. Sometimes I get down on myself bc I don't feel like I am working out hard enough... I have been doing some weight training (5 different exercises, 10 reps, 2 sets of each) and I am working my way up, but I do anywhere from 1-1.5 miles @3-3.5 mph every day on the treadmill. I sweat soooo much, but if feels so good when I am done. I am trying to eat better, it's so hard! The working out is the easy part for me, it's the eating that sucks! I feel like I am always hungry!... ugh!! Otherwise, I am really trying. I really am. So anyhow, that's my update for now!! =o]
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