Thursday, December 31, 2009
I have read some beautiful words in blogs this morning which lift my heart in so many ways. But when I awoke this morning my heart felt so heavy as my thoughts reflect on some of 2009 the tears still come so easily, I can't help but miss dear Uncle BJ such a wonderful many taken to a better life but leaves me so empty as I miss him daily. What a lucky girl to have been able to share him with his family for 33 years. Then there was the loss of my job which I actually loved doing, well not the job so much as the people I did it for, even though I felt I had no choice but to leave that pain remains. And then there of course comes to mind the fact of not speaking to my mother and sister for yet another year, though it is my choice to stay away and not put myself in a position to have to deal with them there is still that pain that remains at the end of yet another year, the pain of knowing someone doesn't care enough to have you in their life brings pain as well. There is pain in knowing I did not reach my goals this year in fact put them aside that pain brings guilt!
But then there is joy the joy of knowing my precious daughter is expecting our first grandbaby and yes we already know that it is a girl!! How exciting watching her transistion into motherhood and knowing she too will experience all that comes with giving a child a life. My biggest hope is that with the distance we can still be a huge part of her life. The joy of watching Lance and Maggie develope their new relationship and the hopes that one day they too will put themselves on course to a happy life if that is what is meant to be for them.
We have never celebrated NEW YEAR's EVE as a big event like some people do so staying home by ourselves is NO big deal we normally have one couple over do pizza and movies and watch the ball drop this year they are attending a basketball game so we will be watching movies alone, not the end of the world at least we will be home safe and not putting ourselves in harms way, our weather dictates that is important as well.
So today is a confusing day of sorts, mixed bag of emotions for sure but one thing I am eternally gratefull for is my wonderful group of friends who support, encourage and share my life here daily. I can't thank you enough for caring and sharing and I know that no matter what is going on in my life you are there waiting to share it with me. I have no doubts that our friendships will last a lifetime, that you don't point fingers at my failures, that you don't desert me when I need you most and that you just share your conditional love with me. Life without you would be so empty!!
My prayer is that 2010 brings you joy, health and happiness, along with my friendship!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Well yesterday was the day we got all the test results for Laurie (my sister) and let's just say the news again was NOT good. Seems there is a new tumor about the size of a large apple, this one is very very low in the abdomen has appeared to be sitting right on the tailbone, attached to the bladder and the back part of the pelvic bone as well. Now Laurie is about 5'3" weighs 275 which is morbidly obesse which also makes treatment harder for the DRS. We met yesterday with the surgeon who is a wonderful small woman from India who specializes in rectal cancer she has already done all four surgeries and I love this mighty small woman she is really cool. She laid it all on the line yesterday telling us that this tumor could not possibly be in a worse spot to get to, and to do it she more then likely will have to go in both from the front and from the backside to reach it. Then she said if she feels she won't be able to reach it that another option would be for Laurie to go to Seattle (5 hours away) and have the surgery done at the University of Washington which is much more specialized in this type of surgery, Laurie said immediately that is NOT an option for her. DR feels that it might be necessary to REMOVE the whole bottom half of the pelvic bone and tailbone to get this tumor along with the bladder which will mean she will have yet another unnatural port. She is almost sure that the bladder is going to have to go that the tumor is attached to it and won't be able to be removed safely. So her suggestion is that they hit Laurie with a round of radiation and chemo that is daily for six weeks Monday through Friday asap in hopes of getting the tumor to possibly let loose of the attachment and maybe shrink it alittle before surgery and if that happens then re think what surgery to do. There does NOT appear to be any cancer actively growing anywhere else in her body which is the only GOOD news we got yesterday. The surgeon feels this tumor is attached in such a way that removal is extreemly difficult and the surgery to do so will be quite radical but IF this radiation were to work it would help boost the possiblities of success in it. Of course she advised Laurie to get some weight off, no easy thing to do when it is wintertime and the depression of all she is dealing with only makes food her drug of comfort. Of course I tried talking to her about this being a lifesaving issue and she informed me she is going to die in the end anyway only question is WHEN and that one is hard to argue with her on. Laurie has been taking some alternative stuff hydrogen peroxide in a heavy dose twice a day and she is going to continue doing that since she thinks it is worth trying the DR told her she could do it but they don't feel it is going to help her situation, I think they appease you when you mention alternative treaments.
Today we see the oncologist to discuss all of yesterday, the DRS have all been concurring and then she needs to go be measured for her cradle for the radiation all of that set up to begin those treatments takes about a week before they can begin, they have to measure and set up for the tatoos where they hit make the molds etc.
There you have it my day from.....and things aren't going to get better for some time. I couldn't help but feel deflated yesterday I think each and every time you get bad news when you have this rotten disease it gets harder to take it with a smile knowing what lays ahead again. I think yesterday I felt like why why do people have so spend their last remaining time on earth going through such pain and suffering trying to stay alive only to lose that battle in the end, and when Laurie made that comment I said to her well your other option is to do NOTHING let the tumor grow and do whatever it is going to do which thankfully she said wasn't an option either. Her comment was she sure couldn't catch a break and if she didn't have bad luck she wouldn't have any luck. And as my heart broke for her can't say I would feel any differently.
Sorry long blog and not alot of positives in it but needed to get it written down. Thank you for listening!!
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