Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Hi all. I went to the ER of St. Joseph Feb 19th, 10:00. We arrived at 10:40 or...and 3:00 AM (20th) I am admitted. I was chatting with Diana, I was playing on my computer and suddenly had what felt like repeat of my first heart attack. I just thought, oh no, not my heart, please, please. My husband wanted to call 911 and I said, no, please drive me to St. Joseph so he did. He knows why, it is where the team is. If I had been taken anywhere, I would have been sent home and never found out the news. My enzymes for heart were good, my bp is good, nice and low, I have no "what you would call chest pains. They would have sent me home, but not there because of my history. They have my entire history and this is where I had my surgery, and is where all my new doctors.
They said, we want to check you out, admit you to run labs because enzyme may not show for 8-12 hours. This morning my potassium was a little low, so they gave me some extra.
All is looking well as far as labs, but they decide so I don't worry, they don't worry, to do a angiogram (heart cath). Good thing....but BAD NEWS....my triple by-pass, one of the graphs is failing me. Yep, that is right. They decided to start more tests to see if any viable tissue. They said they suspect it failed awhile ago and my tissue is dead. If that is the case, then I know when and it was so soon after my heart surgery that there was no way to know and I was stupid for not immediately going to hospital then. Even though I called and told them, they did not think it could be but wow. Anyways, if it there is tissue, then that is why I had what I had and / or it could also be one of my valves that is regurging.
I have been in a bundle of emotions today. Yes, feeling sorry for myself, angry at the original doctor that I fired and refuse to let touch me. Smartest thing I did was have hubby drive me here and not call 911 or I would have been stuck with my old one and sent home.
There is talk of a defib being put into me too. Lots of crazy stuff... So much dependent on my tissue. Basically, not looking promising. Results are now or should be ready for doctor and should be in to see me sometime, but it might be tomorrow morning because he may want to consult with other doctors.
I called my surgeon's office to let them know that one of the graphs failed and that I am in the hospital. I am really really scared and upset. I am angry, very angry at the original cardiologist for putting me into this predictament.
I AM AN AMBASSADOR AND I AM TELLING YOU ALL, TAKE YOURSELVES SERIOUS, YOUR HEALTH, EAT HEALTHY AND SODIUM IS SO CRUCIAL. START TRACKING YOUR SODIUM AND KEEP IT 1500. IF YOU HIT 2300, AND NO HIGHER, GIVE YOURSELF A KUDO. BUT IF YOU CAN MAINTAIN IT ON THE MOST PART AT 1500 YOU ARE DOING YOURSELF A HUGE FAVOR. IT WILL HELP MAINTAIN YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE, IT WILL HELP YOUR HEART, IT WILL HELP WITH WEIGHTLOSS.
WATCH THE FAT - AND LIMIT THE SATURATED FAT - AND MAKE IT 0 TRANSFAT.
KNOW YOUR NUMBERS AND HAVE GOOD NUMBERS. IF THEY ARE NOT GOOD, THEN GET THEM GOOD WITH EXERCISE AND EATING RIGHT.
I don't want to see any of you in the position I am. At my first meeting, I met a 35 year old, yes really 35 years old and she is an ambassador now. She had a STROKE...Sodium helps prevent strokes too.
When I speak sodium, we all need sodium, but the most we need is 1500 mg.
Did you know that nearly every food out there has some sodium? Very few don't. Sodium adds up quickly.
Think and write and post on frig and anywhere else that you need too, and write in capital letters "SALAD IS THE MAIN MEAL"
If you are a smoker "QUIT"
If you are a drinker "STOP" "small amount (4 oz) all that is needed.
I can't have it because of meds and if you are on meds and drink, stop.
Make it a rare occasion.
Start making your own dressings, it will taste just as good as the purchased but without the fat, chemicals, sodium.
Use 1/4 cup water, 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar, 1-2 cups of strawberries, 1 tsp of flax seed oil or olive oil. Blend in blender. Add 1.5 tbsp of ground flax to dressing. I have a blender / shaker for after it is made to store it in, and use that to restir it up before using. You can be plentiful on salads...You can use same recipe and swap the strawberries for blueberries or blackberries, or raspberries. Sprinkle to flax on your salad, sprinkle a few walnuts on your salad. Add 4 oz of chicken breast.
Have an Apple with Peanut Butter for a snack and sprinkle the peanut butter with some ground flax seed.
Do some kind of exercise, build yourself slowly up to a level that you an do and keep adding to it. Make it fun as possible.
YOU CAN DO IT!
The cardiologist said I would be the absolutely perfect candidate for stemcell to regrow...the research shows awesome statics, but this isn't something that is available to the many yet. He said to continue to work on keeping me as healthy as possible so if the day comes, they can do something!
One thing that saddens me, my family knows I am in hospital and no visitors. The new ambassador friend came to see me. My wonderful hubby.
My daughter called me back from AZ. The other text me, but that is it...nothing from my mom. I called my brother and his wife, but they never came...Said just keep them posted. Wow, I really do have an uncaring family. Wow. The only person I know that really cares a lot about me is my husband and he sleeps at the hospital with me. My step son is cleaning the house for me.
I have had lots of virtual support. I even gave my number out to hope someone would call me. Diana has. My friend Elaine has. Our family friend wrote a note asking what happened and to have Dan call her. I put note back and gave her our number to call. I am sorry, but it is long distant and I can't call out from hospital.
My sister calls me but does not come to see me. She does care to call me. She fills in, I am sure everyone else (gossip) in the family. I have been in so much hurt from the family I don't know why I even ever bother reaching out.
Diana - Thank you! You do and have reached out to me....Hugs to you... Tina - Thank you to you too!
Saturday, February 18, 2012
I read my letter to myself. Not much has changed yet a ton has changed.
This challenge, I have gone strong every week, but I had a few days of struggle.
I was faced with a new challenge with my biological daughter and take it one day at a time. She needs to find her way.
Needing to remember my heart, a heart of love. The court stress is not done as it keeps getting prolonged. Now it is scheduled for March 9. But it is just a minor detail now, a stress I give unto the Lord and know that we have the same judge and that we get to keep her.
The poisoning of my daughters has not ended nor can I stop it. It pains me, but it is slow progress, step by step. I can not change my mother and her putting so much poison on them. People that know her have no idea.
Yes, I can control what I put into my mouth and have been doing it. This is something I have done pretty well this 10 week challenge.
It is hard to not be hard on myself, but I am keeping to my goals.
D E E P S
This is really important to stay with it. This will continue to be my goal for the year!
Remembering that I am worth it, sometimes is hard to do, but I am doing it. I've beginning to take more charge of my life. I've become and Ambassador, I am joining the 9-1-1 Dance Team...yes this is all new.
I am doing the "Paint the Bridge" walk to spread the message of Women in Red about heart disease! My friend, Diana, is planning on going! We will have tons of fun and what a great accomplishment for us both!
I AM EXCITED FOR SPRING CHALLENGE with the LIMES
"GO RED, LIMES!" WE CAN DO IT!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wow, yesterday was day one of the Lime week. I weight same, wishing it was a loss, but it wasn't. I spent 4 days barely hanging on, but I got through it. Diana was ready to exercise so that is what we did, one hour of stair stepping! My eating was on track yesterday too. I was still in a funk of laziness.
I was supposed to go to a meeting, 5:00-7:00. I was asked awhile back to consider becoming an Ambassador for the Pierce County Go Red. I was invited to attend the meeting. I put it off to the last minute. Why?
I was scared. I was wanting to do it, but scared. I didn't know if I wanted to do a commitment. I wasn't even sure what it all was about. I planned to go. I told them I would go. Hubby reminded me and I said I was cancelling and not going. He said, okay. I went to store with him and came home. I got an email of reminder to RSVP.
The guilt was setting in. Part of me wanted to go and part of me wanted to stay home and hide. Part of me wanted to climb into my bed. I looked at the time and decided to quickly RSVP and head out for the meeting and boy AM I GLAD.
I am so so excited. I am already considered part of team. Received the Newsletter and am already listed as an Ambassador.
Ok, some of you may be wondering what is becoming an Ambassador.
Before I explain, I am now Pierce County Embassador for Go Red for Women.
It is part of the American Heart Association Learn and Live.
American Heart Association Go Red For Women Ambassador Program. "Celebrating the energy, passion, and power we have as women to band together to improve our health and live stronger healthier lives"
Go Red for Women is AHA nationwide movement that celebrates the energy, passion and power we have as women to band together and wipe out heart disease and stroke. Thanks to the participation of millions of people across the country, the color red and the red dress symbol have been linked with the ability all women have to improve their heart health and live stronger, longer lives. The movement gives women tips and information on healthy eating, exercise and risk factor reduction, such as smoking cessation, weight maintenance, blood pressure control and blood pressure management.
Did you know that heart disease is #1 killer for women?
MORE WOMEN DIE OF HEART DISEASE THAN ALL FORMS OF CANCER COMBINED.
HEART DISEASE IS OFTEN SILENT, HIDDEN AND MISUNDERSTOOD.
WE CAN STOP OUR NO. 1 KILLER TOGETHER BY SHARING THE TRUTH
UNCOVER THE TRUTH ABOUT HEART DISEASE AND MAKE ENDING IT A REALITY.
Go Red for Women Ambassador Program are volunteer leaders committed to raising awareness regarding women and heart disease and stroke. They are passionate about persuading women to take control of their own health. These leaders work to educate women on ways to love their heart and show them ways to start taking action to live healthier by joing the Go Red for Women Movement.
Duties of an ambassador include:
* Understand and embrace the mission of the AHA - building healthier stronger lives, free of cardiovascular disease and stroke.
* Unerstand and embrace the specific mission of the Go Red for women Movement to educate and empower women to take charge of their health.
* Raise awareness in your community and through your circle of influence.
****wear your red dress pin
****Pass out materials
****Share the message with everyone you meet
****Get women to join the Go Red for women Movement
*Serve as a local face of the go Red for Women Movement and inspire women to join you. Activities include
*Attend as many AHA events as you can per year to promote the Go Red for Women movement, including the Go Red for women Luncheon
*Seek opportunities to speak out about the Go Red for Women movement.
This could include:
****company news letters
****Networking group speeches
*Encourage women to sign up for the Go Red for Women Movement
*Encourage women to take charge of their health by knowing their numbers and their risk for heart disease and stroke and taking the Heart CheckUp
*Display Go Red for women materials in your place of business
*Plan a Wear Red Day outing or social event
Some of the events coming up in my area sound so exciting including the women's luncheon. I have already put my name in to do the modelling and be seated at the table as one of the Ambassadors for the event. I am so so excited about this.
I had to submit my story - completed
I turned in application - completed
I did the orientation meeting - completed
I am waiting for date/time for formal one on one interview/training
I feel so honored and excited and I can share it all with my Sparkfriends! You are all my circle!!!
Speaking: I am good at speaking in public venues if I know my subject. Most of the things I check to help with I know how to do well and I enjoy doing.
So much of my working career carries over to what I would be volunteering.
We are having a Paint the Bridge Walk. I am going to do the 2 mile walk. My husband and step son will be joining me. Diana and hopefully her husband will be joining me. Wendy Witowski (I pray) will be joining me. My long lost sister Syl may be joining me and I pray badly that she does. I've sent out like 62 invites. I do not expect many will go in support of this, but I sure hope so. I would be so honored by each person that comes and walks with me across the bridge in support of MY HEART and many other hearts. It is to Empower Women. And we all wear RED.
There is a heart support group at the hospital that I had my heart surgery and want me to become part of that. They told me I am desperately needed there for it.
Also, there is a 9 1 1 dance group that practices at the hospital that I have been invited to join...I am still thinking about it. It was tonight and I missed it. I am just now sure if I can commit to that yet. I do love dance. I seriously am thinking of doing it.
I do have a huge passion of wanting my sparkfriends, everyone to hear the message. I want my heart to be fixed. I don't want to die early early. I want to live.
I have now, day 2 of our lime week, been on track.
Husband and I took our required class. Scheduled our appt with attorney.
I just plain got a lot done. I was so pumped to workout with Diana today too, and I did not get too. All my fault...she was willing and ready this morning. I forgot I had commitment for class and that was critical for me to get done.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Regardless of my beautiful daughter telling me to please not contact her again, I text her today and said Happy Valentine to you and your family. She came back with a beautiful picture and wished me a Happy Valentine. I thanked her. We had little conversation, but she sounded cheerful. I think she may be really stressing and emotional and whatever is popping up in her little mind, she not want me there. I think part of her does and part of her does not. She is all over the board so I will give her space. It is a small step.
Hopefully, soon she will contact me and have me over to see her and baby. Who knows... I can only pray and go on taking care of me.
I really did lousy 3 days of no exercise persay (15 min today). My eating not what it should be. I at least did not go overboard with it, but I am not proud that I did not do as well as I should have and could have. I am not going to beat myself up though because I have had a LOT to deal with emotionally.
I went out with my husband tonight for Casino and had Valentines Buffet. It is logged in. I did not do super bad. I found I got full super fast and I just stopped eating after getting full. I had sugar craving so when got home, had a grapple. I know by the date and how I am feeling TOM should be here any moment/day/time.
Also, we received the paper work that my house goes to auction in 90 days and if it sells, that I will have 60 days to move out, so basically 5 months and I may have to be out of my home. Maybe it won't sell.
Monday, February 13, 2012
I don't even know how to begin, where to start, and so glad there is a tomorrow. I am trying to write to get off my chest so don't worry about reading or commenting. I am not looking for sympathy or anything.
I just went to worse. I guess, for whatever reason, I was a wicked bad mother who did horrible things. I provided love, safety, gave much love, food, and yes I was known as the strict parent. I see them do a lot of the same things I did, but that is ok, they are allowed but me as a mom that was wrong. It was wrong of me to not let them answer the door at 3 - 5 years of age. I was wrong to tell them to not peak through the windows, to let the adults answer the door. The kind of house we lived in, and the locations of the rooms and how the windows were, someone could easily break window and take them. I took them to dance, I took them to modeling classes, I gave them freedom but with guidelines, to call me if going to be late. Run a bath for me before you leave. Wow, all of this was abuse. If you go to a resteraunt you don't scream, throw tantrums, you teach manner, if you want to act poorly, we will leave. If you not want to follow the rules, we don't go. We did trip to Florida, we did trip to Reno, we did a trip along the Oregon Coastline into California, Trees of Mystery. I attended school functions/award ceremony's, all of this is forgotten. Mind you, I did all that I could do with no child support the first two years. Their father paid me nothing. I forced him to have a relationship with them which made him change, but he never cared, not really, but now he wants to send money.
He now feeds them with lies, and they believe it. Don't forget the horses, but that was wrong of me to let them go out to the horses because grandpa yelled, and yet, they begged to go and they knew grandpa always yells at everything. They made the choices of what they wanted.
My frig, my cupboards, my freezer full and they were free to eat whatever, but they claim (due to my mom and where she comes up with the crap she does) I starved them. Supposedly, my mother, their grandma, would sneak oranges through the bedroom window which was a complete lie and impossibility. If my atty was alive, she would set them straight too.
Well, my daughter has told me that she never ever wants me to contact her.
I have not clue what to say or what to do, but I can't change anything.
I have accomplished going through all of our bills/paperwork, old stuff, etc..this was a big accomplishment.
I've managed to eat healthy today, but I haven't eaten much. I still need to log my food.
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