Saturday, February 18, 2012
I read my letter to myself. Not much has changed yet a ton has changed.
This challenge, I have gone strong every week, but I had a few days of struggle.
I was faced with a new challenge with my biological daughter and take it one day at a time. She needs to find her way.
Needing to remember my heart, a heart of love. The court stress is not done as it keeps getting prolonged. Now it is scheduled for March 9. But it is just a minor detail now, a stress I give unto the Lord and know that we have the same judge and that we get to keep her.
The poisoning of my daughters has not ended nor can I stop it. It pains me, but it is slow progress, step by step. I can not change my mother and her putting so much poison on them. People that know her have no idea.
Yes, I can control what I put into my mouth and have been doing it. This is something I have done pretty well this 10 week challenge.
It is hard to not be hard on myself, but I am keeping to my goals.
D E E P S
This is really important to stay with it. This will continue to be my goal for the year!
Remembering that I am worth it, sometimes is hard to do, but I am doing it. I've beginning to take more charge of my life. I've become and Ambassador, I am joining the 9-1-1 Dance Team...yes this is all new.
I am doing the "Paint the Bridge" walk to spread the message of Women in Red about heart disease! My friend, Diana, is planning on going! We will have tons of fun and what a great accomplishment for us both!
I AM EXCITED FOR SPRING CHALLENGE with the LIMES
"GO RED, LIMES!" WE CAN DO IT!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wow, yesterday was day one of the Lime week. I weight same, wishing it was a loss, but it wasn't. I spent 4 days barely hanging on, but I got through it. Diana was ready to exercise so that is what we did, one hour of stair stepping! My eating was on track yesterday too. I was still in a funk of laziness.
I was supposed to go to a meeting, 5:00-7:00. I was asked awhile back to consider becoming an Ambassador for the Pierce County Go Red. I was invited to attend the meeting. I put it off to the last minute. Why?
I was scared. I was wanting to do it, but scared. I didn't know if I wanted to do a commitment. I wasn't even sure what it all was about. I planned to go. I told them I would go. Hubby reminded me and I said I was cancelling and not going. He said, okay. I went to store with him and came home. I got an email of reminder to RSVP.
The guilt was setting in. Part of me wanted to go and part of me wanted to stay home and hide. Part of me wanted to climb into my bed. I looked at the time and decided to quickly RSVP and head out for the meeting and boy AM I GLAD.
I am so so excited. I am already considered part of team. Received the Newsletter and am already listed as an Ambassador.
Ok, some of you may be wondering what is becoming an Ambassador.
Before I explain, I am now Pierce County Embassador for Go Red for Women.
It is part of the American Heart Association Learn and Live.
American Heart Association Go Red For Women Ambassador Program. "Celebrating the energy, passion, and power we have as women to band together to improve our health and live stronger healthier lives"
Go Red for Women is AHA nationwide movement that celebrates the energy, passion and power we have as women to band together and wipe out heart disease and stroke. Thanks to the participation of millions of people across the country, the color red and the red dress symbol have been linked with the ability all women have to improve their heart health and live stronger, longer lives. The movement gives women tips and information on healthy eating, exercise and risk factor reduction, such as smoking cessation, weight maintenance, blood pressure control and blood pressure management.
Did you know that heart disease is #1 killer for women?
MORE WOMEN DIE OF HEART DISEASE THAN ALL FORMS OF CANCER COMBINED.
HEART DISEASE IS OFTEN SILENT, HIDDEN AND MISUNDERSTOOD.
WE CAN STOP OUR NO. 1 KILLER TOGETHER BY SHARING THE TRUTH
UNCOVER THE TRUTH ABOUT HEART DISEASE AND MAKE ENDING IT A REALITY.
Go Red for Women Ambassador Program are volunteer leaders committed to raising awareness regarding women and heart disease and stroke. They are passionate about persuading women to take control of their own health. These leaders work to educate women on ways to love their heart and show them ways to start taking action to live healthier by joing the Go Red for Women Movement.
Duties of an ambassador include:
* Understand and embrace the mission of the AHA - building healthier stronger lives, free of cardiovascular disease and stroke.
* Unerstand and embrace the specific mission of the Go Red for women Movement to educate and empower women to take charge of their health.
* Raise awareness in your community and through your circle of influence.
****wear your red dress pin
****Pass out materials
****Share the message with everyone you meet
****Get women to join the Go Red for women Movement
*Serve as a local face of the go Red for Women Movement and inspire women to join you. Activities include
*Attend as many AHA events as you can per year to promote the Go Red for Women movement, including the Go Red for women Luncheon
*Seek opportunities to speak out about the Go Red for Women movement.
This could include:
****company news letters
****Networking group speeches
*Encourage women to sign up for the Go Red for Women Movement
*Encourage women to take charge of their health by knowing their numbers and their risk for heart disease and stroke and taking the Heart CheckUp
*Display Go Red for women materials in your place of business
*Plan a Wear Red Day outing or social event
Some of the events coming up in my area sound so exciting including the women's luncheon. I have already put my name in to do the modelling and be seated at the table as one of the Ambassadors for the event. I am so so excited about this.
I had to submit my story - completed
I turned in application - completed
I did the orientation meeting - completed
I am waiting for date/time for formal one on one interview/training
I feel so honored and excited and I can share it all with my Sparkfriends! You are all my circle!!!
Speaking: I am good at speaking in public venues if I know my subject. Most of the things I check to help with I know how to do well and I enjoy doing.
So much of my working career carries over to what I would be volunteering.
We are having a Paint the Bridge Walk. I am going to do the 2 mile walk. My husband and step son will be joining me. Diana and hopefully her husband will be joining me. Wendy Witowski (I pray) will be joining me. My long lost sister Syl may be joining me and I pray badly that she does. I've sent out like 62 invites. I do not expect many will go in support of this, but I sure hope so. I would be so honored by each person that comes and walks with me across the bridge in support of MY HEART and many other hearts. It is to Empower Women. And we all wear RED.
There is a heart support group at the hospital that I had my heart surgery and want me to become part of that. They told me I am desperately needed there for it.
Also, there is a 9 1 1 dance group that practices at the hospital that I have been invited to join...I am still thinking about it. It was tonight and I missed it. I am just now sure if I can commit to that yet. I do love dance. I seriously am thinking of doing it.
I do have a huge passion of wanting my sparkfriends, everyone to hear the message. I want my heart to be fixed. I don't want to die early early. I want to live.
I have now, day 2 of our lime week, been on track.
Husband and I took our required class. Scheduled our appt with attorney.
I just plain got a lot done. I was so pumped to workout with Diana today too, and I did not get too. All my fault...she was willing and ready this morning. I forgot I had commitment for class and that was critical for me to get done.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Regardless of my beautiful daughter telling me to please not contact her again, I text her today and said Happy Valentine to you and your family. She came back with a beautiful picture and wished me a Happy Valentine. I thanked her. We had little conversation, but she sounded cheerful. I think she may be really stressing and emotional and whatever is popping up in her little mind, she not want me there. I think part of her does and part of her does not. She is all over the board so I will give her space. It is a small step.
Hopefully, soon she will contact me and have me over to see her and baby. Who knows... I can only pray and go on taking care of me.
I really did lousy 3 days of no exercise persay (15 min today). My eating not what it should be. I at least did not go overboard with it, but I am not proud that I did not do as well as I should have and could have. I am not going to beat myself up though because I have had a LOT to deal with emotionally.
I went out with my husband tonight for Casino and had Valentines Buffet. It is logged in. I did not do super bad. I found I got full super fast and I just stopped eating after getting full. I had sugar craving so when got home, had a grapple. I know by the date and how I am feeling TOM should be here any moment/day/time.
Also, we received the paper work that my house goes to auction in 90 days and if it sells, that I will have 60 days to move out, so basically 5 months and I may have to be out of my home. Maybe it won't sell.
Monday, February 13, 2012
I don't even know how to begin, where to start, and so glad there is a tomorrow. I am trying to write to get off my chest so don't worry about reading or commenting. I am not looking for sympathy or anything.
I just went to worse. I guess, for whatever reason, I was a wicked bad mother who did horrible things. I provided love, safety, gave much love, food, and yes I was known as the strict parent. I see them do a lot of the same things I did, but that is ok, they are allowed but me as a mom that was wrong. It was wrong of me to not let them answer the door at 3 - 5 years of age. I was wrong to tell them to not peak through the windows, to let the adults answer the door. The kind of house we lived in, and the locations of the rooms and how the windows were, someone could easily break window and take them. I took them to dance, I took them to modeling classes, I gave them freedom but with guidelines, to call me if going to be late. Run a bath for me before you leave. Wow, all of this was abuse. If you go to a resteraunt you don't scream, throw tantrums, you teach manner, if you want to act poorly, we will leave. If you not want to follow the rules, we don't go. We did trip to Florida, we did trip to Reno, we did a trip along the Oregon Coastline into California, Trees of Mystery. I attended school functions/award ceremony's, all of this is forgotten. Mind you, I did all that I could do with no child support the first two years. Their father paid me nothing. I forced him to have a relationship with them which made him change, but he never cared, not really, but now he wants to send money.
He now feeds them with lies, and they believe it. Don't forget the horses, but that was wrong of me to let them go out to the horses because grandpa yelled, and yet, they begged to go and they knew grandpa always yells at everything. They made the choices of what they wanted.
My frig, my cupboards, my freezer full and they were free to eat whatever, but they claim (due to my mom and where she comes up with the crap she does) I starved them. Supposedly, my mother, their grandma, would sneak oranges through the bedroom window which was a complete lie and impossibility. If my atty was alive, she would set them straight too.
Well, my daughter has told me that she never ever wants me to contact her.
I have not clue what to say or what to do, but I can't change anything.
I have accomplished going through all of our bills/paperwork, old stuff, etc..this was a big accomplishment.
I've managed to eat healthy today, but I haven't eaten much. I still need to log my food.
Monday, February 13, 2012
I know that Saturday I was down right LAZY and my eating was half ok and on it's way to disaster for me.
Sunday became a day of stay in bed. Yep, that is right, stay in BED and watch tv. I did not get on computer Saturday as I stayed in bed and watched tv.
I've have slept a lot too. Sunday's eating was disaster all day. I did log my food, not really wanting too, but I did. I am ashamed of myself for eating the way I did this weekend and no gym, no exercise at home, nothing.
I know TOM is on the way by the symptoms and the tiredness. I don't know if it is just pure LAZINESS for me, or if it is a little Depression or both.
Sometimes I can exercise and it makes me feel better, but I woke up Saturday so sleepy tired and stayed that way all day right into Sunday. I know I am feeling sadness from my daughter. My sister calls me to tell me that she is home now and she doesn't even call me. She contacts everyone else but me. It really hurts inside. I know she is going through a lot with herself healing and new baby, but to close me out like she has is really sad.
I've had so many hurts in my life that I don't want anymore. I try hard to focus on the positive.
I sure hope I feel better tomorrow and more awake and energized. Maybe all the stuff subconsciously has caught up and my body said rest. I will go with it, but the eating could have been better. Oh well, tomorrow will be a better day.
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