Wednesday, December 04, 2013
I've come so far over the past two months:
I've lost 30 pounds and almost 3 pant-sizes.
The jeans I've been trying to fit into for the past year are too loose for me and cannot be worn without a belt.
I weigh less than my husband (first time since I've known him--he's tall, but he's light as a feather!)
I haven't eaten off plan in 65 days; I survived a wedding, Halloween, multiple family gatherings, Thankgiving, and baking dozens of Christmas cookies with my mom and sister, all without eating off plan.
Despite all of these accomplishments, I've been dealing with feelings of self-hatred and negative thoughts about myself and my body.
I've had dreams about eating off plan and gaining all of the weight back.
I look at pictures of myself and pick out all of the body parts that are too big/need work.
I compare myself to other people.
I constantly think about food and my body, my goal weight, the current size of my pants and whether they fit, whether my shirt makes me look fat, or if it accentuates my current weight loss.
When I see someone I haven't seen in a while and they don't comment on my weight loss, I think about how much more weight I have to lose before people will start telling me how good I look, no matter how many times I've hear it before
All of this is really taking a toll on my mental health. I'm starting to hate my body/self instead of appreciating it for what its worth. The more I tell myself I'm wrong, the less I believe it.
I dealt with depression and attempted suicide twice in 2009. Once I met my husband in 2010, all of those thoughts disappeared and haven't returned. I certainly don't feel the same as I did in 2009, but I can feel a dark cloud hovering over me as if thoughts of self-hate are coming back. And its scaring me.
For now, I am going to stick to my plan and remember my goals. I hope this passes, otherwise I will seek professional help. I do not want to fall into the same pit I was in before.
I think I need a little more exercise in my life...