MOTOMOM226   2,525
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Thursday, February 10, 2011

How many years have a been a member of SP now? Quite a few. So why am I still yoyoing thorugh life? I haven't been on SP now for quite a while. Reading my one and only blog entry from 9/2009 I can hear the fear in my thougths. Fear of diabetes, fear of food, fear of failure. Fear, Fear, Fear! Why, when I have such a great tool here do I choose not use it? I have so much I want to say but don't know where to begin.

The last year has been crazy with ups and downs (which is totally true) but once again its just an excuse! I am so beyond frustrated with everything! I have a very stressful job that I hate, but that pays the bills. I'm stuck there indefinately because where else can I go in this economy and make the same i'mmaking now with the benefits I get? I have to have those benefits for DH and my kids. Its easy for my family to just say get a different job but honestly I don't know that thats not just jumping from the pot into the fire. I just feel trapped. Trapped by work, family, finances, expectations....... Miserable. I don't want to feel this way but honestly I have no idea where to even begin!! GAH!

DH was out of work for almost 9months , my car broke down about the same time and has yet to be fixed, trying to keep our one working vehicle, which will be paid off in like 8 months from getting repossesed, which between the pymt and the insurance is more than we pay in rent! Being a one car household sucks. I've never not had my own car since I was 16! I am too independant for this! Not being able to go and do when I want to has been super hard. With finances being what they are the fruit and vegatable isle in the store has been limited to potatoes and carrots as staples. No fruits or other vegatables because they are just too expensive for what they are. Beans, rice, potatoes, flour, staple stuff. GAH!!! Thankfully DH got a new job last week but who knows how long it will take to dig out of this hole.

I know I'm bouncing around alot here, theres just so much I want to say! I know I'm a emotional eater and with all the turmoil in my life its been easy to just eat mindlessly. I just want to be healthy, love myself, love my life, financial ease... Is that too much to ask for!!! Well I guess I'll save the rest of my rants... or kudos, for another time. I'm gonna go read my some message boards and get outta this funk!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VALBLOOMBERG 2/10/2011 2:45PM

  Your story rings true for so many on this site and to be honestly truthful the weight will never come off until you fix what's causing you so much stress in your life...stress is a mighty powerful weight loss killer. I wish you the strength to get through this struggle you are in and start living a healthier life.

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Reflecting on the last week.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Like a lot of over weight people my weight has gone up and down through the years with the highs and lows of my life. Well, yesterday and last week were definately lows for me. I went in for my annual physical and received the results last week. For the most part everything was good~ Cholesterol~ 166, Trio~ 112, LDL~ 111 but the kicker was my HDL at only 33. Today I went in for a glucose test because the blood work from last week was higher than my doctor would like it and he wanted to double check it. When I asked him about it he as much as said he is checking me for onset diabetes! That scares the hell out of me. My DH is a diabetic not by choice but by genetics since the age of 14. I have helped him through seizures, had to call 911 for him, and worry about him on a daily basis. I DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME! IF I HAVE THE CHOICE TO LOSE WEIGHT AND CONTROL WHAT HAPPENS TO MY HEALTH THEN I AM GOING TO DO IT!

I think I have been deluding myself into thinking that the 3 days a week I exercise would still allow me to eat like I always have. And now that I am putting my thoughts into words I have also been lying to myself and those around me. I hate liars! I am a closet eater. Taking my lunch to work with me but then eating out of the vending machines and at the cafe. At night when I come down stairs to let the dog out I feel like I HAVE to eat something and then make sure to hide the evidence. Eating fast food then again getting rid of the evidence before I get home. What makes me do this? I am definately a emotional eater. I can make all kinds of excuses for myself weather its over eating or not exercising. I really want to be the person on the outside that I feel like I am on the inside!

Reflecting back on the last 12-14 years there has been a excuse for everything! Babies, work, anger, frustration, laziness, time... and on and on and on. Today I am going to stop making excuses. I have the ability to lose weight and be that person that I want to be. A number of years back DH and I split up. I blamed him in alot of ways claiming he was superficial about my weight. Maybe he was a bit to blame but looking back I think he knew where I was headed and being a diabetic himself was more concerned for me than anything else. I am terrified that those results are going to come back badly. Even as I am sitting hr typing this crying I am thinking about food! How am I going to fix myself so I can be a better mother, wife and person as a whole?

I think I am still really confused but with the help of SP and more effort on my part I will get to where I want to be. HEALTHY! Of course I would love to say "skinny" but realistically I probably won't ever be "skinny". I have a whole list of wants but for today lets start of with healthy.

Today 9/17/09 at the dr. I weighed 232 lbs. I am going to set mini goals because its easier to lose 5% of my weight(11.6 lbs) than to think about losing 100 lbs!

Since Thursdays are my day off now I am going to set time aside to plan my meals, exersice, blog and grocery shop while I have peace and quiet in the house.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JWOOD635 9/17/2009 5:26PM

    Sounds like you made some great steps in the right direction!

Good luck on your continuing weight loss journey!

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