Saturday, March 03, 2012
An honest tax accountant, Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny and a raving drunk are having a pint together when at the same moment they all spot a $100 bill lying on the floor. Who gets it?
The drunk of course, the others are obviously a figment of your imagination.
Kilpatrick the Scotsman takes a huge jar of urine to the clinic to get it tested. The results come back and the nurse tells him there's no sign of any illness.
He borrows the clinic phone, rings home and says, "Dad, good news, tell mom there's nothing wrong with her, you, uncle Jimmy, Billy, Alasdair, Mary, the Saint Bernard or me."
An Italian who is staying at a Scottish B&B goes down for breakfast. At the table he sees other guests who have steaming bowls of hot porridge in front of them.
"You're not going to eat that!" exclaims the Italian, "Or did you already?"
A zookeeper notices someone throwing $20 bills at the monkeys.
The zookeeper tells the man to stop and that it's not allowed.
"Of course it's allowed!", says the man.
"No it's not", says the zookeeper.
"Sure it is, it says right here: 'Don't feed the monkeys. $20 fine.' "