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MOTLEM's Recent Blog Entries
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Saturday, January 14, 2012
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers. "Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
 
Friday, January 13, 2012
A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes when you're calling for a cab.
He popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs. He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel.
When back in the room he figures, what the hell give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky, the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9".
 
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old that you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Midlife brings the wisdom that "life throws you curves" and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"
Midlife is when your memory really starts to go: the only thing you still retain is water.
You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and know it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in a film.
The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Midlife is when your legs have more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin. (Hi, Genie!)
Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself and your chins follow suit.
 
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
  
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you
can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
 
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