Friday, May 27, 2011
On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the North coast near Aberdeen on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing an English football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twenty foot shark.
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Scottish football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Englishman from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach. Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said,
"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some racist people trying to divide Scotland and England, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model on which other nations could follow."
He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.
As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"
"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f--- all about shark hunting.
How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you,
and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said,
"Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be an accountant or someone in senior management."
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
This is me:
I knew there was a name for my problem. I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder......
This is how it goes:
I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.
OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.
I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the rubbish bin is full.
OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the rubbish out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my check book? Hell, there's only one check left! My extra checks are in my desk.
Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water.
I set the coke on the counter and there are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots.
Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.
I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote back onto a soft cushion on the lounge and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?
End of the Day:
The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!
When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled, because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!
I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
"Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said " I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
Arthur then asked God, " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
“Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention.
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hummmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
So God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, " God said to Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours!"
Monday, May 23, 2011
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst.
He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie, but this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and dull grey suit.
"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he
is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish?"
"My second wish is that I should be rich beyond my wildest dreams."
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says:
"I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
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