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MOTLEM's Recent Blog Entries
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Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
"Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."
"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."
The Judge replies,
"What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-storey house?"
The man answers,
"Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.' "
Monday, March 21, 2011
A man dressed in a suit comes up to the front porch of a house, juggling a clipboard, some papers, and a briefcase. He knocks on the door and it's answered by a middle-aged man,
"Good Mornin' stranger, what can I do for ya?"
"Well, sir, I represent Schneller, Barnum, and Holtz. We're paid by private companies to canvas thousands of consumers like yourself for feedback on their products. Today we're soliciting comments on Vaseline petroleum jelly. Would you have time to answer just a couple of questions?"
"I don't see how a couple of questions could hurt, fire away young man,"
says the homeowner.
Looking down at his clipboard, the survey-taker asks,
"Okay...first, you do use Vaseline don't you?"
"Yes, sir, for as long as I can remember."
"Great, now what exactly do you use it for?" replies the survey-taker, with
his pen poised over his clipboard, ready to record the answer.
"Let's see...we use it for dry skin, chapped lips, and sex."
The well-dressed man stops writing abruptly. He looks around, leans forward, and in a low voice says,
"We pride ourselves in being very thorough sir. I know how you'd use Vaseline for dry skin and chapped lips. But would you mind telling me how you use it for sex?"
"No problem," the homeowner says in a whisper, "we put it on our bedroom doorknob. It keeps the kids out."
Sunday, March 20, 2011
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them,
"I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming,
"YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
Saturday, March 19, 2011
..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
..she thought a quarterback was a refund
..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
..she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools
..she thought General Motors was in the Army.
..she tried to drown a fish.
..she tripped over a cordless phone.
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, "concentrate".
..she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".
..it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes"
..she studied for a blood test-and failed
..she sold the car for petrol money
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved
..when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
Friday, March 18, 2011
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."
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