Friday, November 09, 2012
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
Thursday, November 08, 2012
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, Australia.)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you's are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I was a bit slow in settlin' down at first, because ya don't have ta get outta bed until 6am.
But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya have gotta shower though, but it's not so bad, cuz there's lots of hot water and even a light to see what ya doin!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a dingo's backside and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!!
You don't even load your own cartridges, they come in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your lovin daughter,
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Mrs. Jenkins comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mum, which read:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Tuesday, November 06, 2012
An Irishman goes to the doctor with a bottom problem.
'Doctor, it's me backside. I'd like ya ta take a look if ya woot'.
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
'This is amazing! 'exclaims the Doctor. 'What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur goodness sake take it out, man!' shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc....finally the last bill comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Doctor, thank ya koindly, dat's much better. Just out of interest, how much was in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be right,'' says the Irishman, 'I knew I wasn't feelin' two grand..!!
Monday, November 05, 2012
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't cut out for the job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I worked as a pilot but eventually got grounded for taking off too much.
Then I tried teaching but I couldn't make the grade.
I spent a few years as a Psychiatrist but everyone's problems drove me crazy.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I was a pretty good eye doctor, but I could not stay focused on the job.
I worked a long time as a doctor. I gave it my best shot, but I didn't have enough patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; but it never touched my sole.
The Energizer Battery Company hired me but then expected me to keep going, and going, and going...
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Of course, I tried being a secretary, but it turned out not to be my type of work.
My years as an exterminator were pretty good, but I got tired of the rat race.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking even thought it kind of turned me on.
I was a gardener for a while, but I didn't grow with the job even though I was raking in the money.
My career as a comedian was a stand-up success, but the critics thought I was a big joke.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
You got any ideas? I'm open for suggestions....
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