Thursday, July 12, 2012
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"It's nice, but can it pick up peanuts?"
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Dear Ann Landers,
I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy.
My parents live in the suburb of Seatoun and one of my sisters, who lives in Palmerston North, is married to an Australian.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana, distribution of Cocaine, as well as Heroin.
They are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes in Auckland.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in Mt. Eden Prison, Auckland, for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Wellington remand center on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in Christchurch and indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the Madam.
I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
So, how should I tell her about my brother-in-law being employed by Microsoft?
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
A senior citizen bought a brand new BMW Z4 convertible and drove it out of the salesroom.
Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
Monday, July 09, 2012
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.
The wife answers : 'Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?'
The husband laughs and says: 'An Italian girl !!'
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: 'So, honey, how was the trip?'
'Very good, thank you.' 'And, what happened to my present?'
'Which present?' she asked.
'The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!'
'Oh, that' she said, 'Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for 9 months
to see if it IS a girl !!!'
Sunday, July 08, 2012
'On the Wallaby' is Australian slang which simply means wandering or exploring usually the Outback or the bush.
My short Winter holiday by air Hobart to Melbourne to Darwin; by The Ghan train Darwin to Adelaide; by air Adelaide to Melbourne and back home to Hobart. Approx. 8,000 kilometres (5,000 miles).
Tropical Darwin day temperatures at around 20 degrees Celcius (68 Fahrenheit) higher than temperate Tasmania. Here is Darwin taken from the National Park.
The old Darwin Town Hall leftovers from Cyclone Tracy that devastated the city on Christmas Eve in 1974.
Out on the Darwin Harbour in the aquaduck. Great fun!
Never smile at a crocodile. Fluffy is only 12 months old but he's still very strong. Crocodiles have up to 5,000 pounds bite force compared to lions 1,200 pounds bite force and humans 50 pounds.
At Mindil Market with Gerald the aboriginal.
Sunset at Mindil Beach. One for you, Connie.
Sleeping out, at Darwin. 17 degrees Celcius (62 Fahrenheit) minimum overnight is pretty OK tho' for the middle of Winter.
Katherine Gorge with sandstone cliffs.
Cruising past a crocodile at Katherine Gorge. A little further upstream there were people swimming.
Sheer drops make up the walls of Katherine Gorge.
Took this from my sleeper as The Ghan (train) was navigating a rare bend on the way down from Katherine to Alice Springs in Central Australia.
This is from the platform at Alice Springs. The Ghan is 1.2 kilometres or approx. 3/4 mile long.
The lounge aboard The Ghan.
It was a bit awkward practising Tai Chi on the top bunk aboard The Ghan.
I explored the Outback by helicopter. Here is Alice Springs from the air.
The Larapinta Trail from the copter.
McDonnell Ranges skirt Alice Springs.
Mt. Gillen Ridgeline from the copter.
Simpson's Gap from the copter. Last time I was in Alice Springs (18 years ago), Tom and I rode out here on a Harley Davidson.
After two and a half days travel from Darwin through Central Australia, and having enjoyed whistle stops at both Katherine and Alice Springs, The Ghan arrived in Adelaide.
I travelled through the Adelaide hills on a fine winter morning, with a temperature drop of around 15 degrees Celcius (59 Fahrenheit) from the Darwin temperatures. This picture is Adelaide from the summit of Mt. Lofty.
A lovely old paddlesteamer on the Murray River. The three hour cruise was very relaxing but spotted only one river red gum (tree) although there were plenty of pelicans, cockatoos, kites, and snakebirds.
Departed the Murray River route via the scenic Onkaparinga Valley to Melba Chocolates and had no guilt feelings nor thoughts of Sparks as I bought heaps of fudges and chockies.
Glenelg is the beachside suburb of Adelaide with over 200 retail outlets, so a shopping spree was the order of the day. I also had a neck and shoulder massage and floated through the rest of the afternoon.
In the Barossa Valley, I visited 5 wineries including the lovely Chateau Tanunda. Lots of wine tasting and a vineyard tour. Also went to Maggie Beer's farm shop. For any Aussies reading this, you may remember Maggie, a self taught fabulous cook from 'The Cook and The Chef' with Simon Bryant. Couldn't resist buying her ginger chilli sauce and a bottle of tokay liqueur. Yummo!
A meeting on my last day in Adelaide with two of my Sparkfriends, Nattacia (Opalmoon) and Wendy (WendyJM4) was a great treat. Only had a little time to spend together, but we three really enjoyed our meet.
After such a delightful Walkabout, it was great to get home and give my Tom a big hug.
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