Friday, August 10, 2012
I feel like the last few blogs I've written have been sort of negative. For whatever reason, I often feel undeserving of compliments, even when I know I've worked hard or done something to the best of my ability. When someone tells me I look good or fit or that I am strong, half the time I have a hard time believing them. I am working on this! Really, I am. :) I've been complaining a lot about how hard things are, and I really try not to be whiner.
It is so true that changing your thoughts changes your actions. If you believe something strongly about your life or yourself, you often find a way of making it true, good or bad.
Losing weight has been a lot harder lately, and it's been no secret that I haven't found this easy. I am hopeful that when I step on the scale in the morning there will be some sort of loss. If not, I won't get upset, I'll just keep moving on in the direction I need to go. There seems to be a pattern with me where I'll lose nothing for weeks, and then all of a sudden I lose several pounds, seemingly overnight. Today I noticed in the mirror that my skin looks looser on my stomach (which it does the more weight I lose) so I am hoping that means a loss.
For so long I was unfit and so obese, and so to suddenly be in the realms of a somewhat normal weight range is strange for me. It seems to be hard for my brain to adjust to all this. When you are usually the biggest person around you feel like that is all people see-your fat. So, now when people refer to me as fit, I almost can't believe that I am. But, I know I am. I've worked out regularly with no break longer than 10 days (and that was for being sick) for almost the last 2.5 years. I've lost 140 pounds, or 43% of my starting weight. I am less than 20 pounds from being half my size.
Yesterday our kids had their yearly check up. The nurse took the kids' height, weight, blood pressure, and all that. She said as she wrote on their charts, "good healthy looking lean kids, just like their mom and dad." I was really shocked that a nurse would say I looked healthy (and lean), because while I know I am fit, I still feel sometimes that I look really big, and then I see a picture and realize how much smaller I am. That comment made me feel really good.
I also had another big thing happen yesterday-my longest run ever, 7 miles (finished in 1:23:00). That completed week 7 of half marathon training, and I still can't believe sometimes I am doing it. As much as it stinks getting up so early, I can't imagine not running. It has become part of who I am. Even though some days it's hard, I always feel so good and so accomplished when I am done.
Some other things I thought I'd share that have made me feel excited/proud lately are:
When I go to places with arms on the chairs, I no longer have to worry I won't fit. I always have plenty of room. The same with booths at restaurants.
I can feel all the bones in my body now! When I lie down my ribs actually stick up. I can feel my hip bones. When I lie on my side, the bones in my knees press together and it kind of hurts. It's so strange!
The other day I needed something in the garage, but didn't want to move the cars, and there was this little space between the door and the car, and I thought I wouldn't fit, but I could!
When I shave now I have to be careful, because my legs have so much muscle that I have all those indentations, so it's hard to not cut myself. Not sure if that makes sense or not.
I can actually use my laptop in my lap. When I was much bigger there wasn't enough room for it to sit comfortably in my lap.
The amount of energy I have most days is unreal. I owe that to eating well and exercising. Yesterday I ran 7 miles, took the kids to the Dr, went shopping at Costco, unloaded and put it away (hubby helped) did several loads of laundry and got it put away, vacuumed 2 rooms, cooked dinner, cleaned up from that and mopped the kitchen floor. I feel good when I can get a lot done in a day.
Reminding myself daily of how much better my life has become is what keeps me going. My life is much fuller, and I've learned that there is nothing as important as your health. The rest of my life is going to be the best of my life.
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
No matter what I do lately my weight will not go down, and if it does it goes right back up a pound very quickly. Everyone is telling me to do different things, and I am trying them, but they are not working, at least not long term.
Lately I've been adding on mileage weekly for my half marathon training, and that makes me hungry. Everyone has been telling me that I am not eating enough and should eat more if I feel hungry. I was doing the calorie cycling and that week lost well, but not the next week. My weight went up. It seems if I eat over 1600 calories, even if it's only a couple hundred over once or twice a week, my weight goes up. How does that make sense if it's supposed to take 3500 calories for you to gain a pound?! This is with running 3 times a week (for miles each time) and I've been doing double work out days where I'll run in the morning and then later go to the gym and do weights and the treadmill, elliptical or arc. I workout 2 or 3 other days of the week doing various workout dvds or going to the gym. You would think that with last week me burning over 4500 calories I'd have a loss. Nope. My weight was down a few ounces and then this morning back up again to 186.8. It was exactly 186 a few days ago.
I am beyond frustrated. I am grouchy because my stomach is growling, and on one hand I know you're supposed to go bed somewhat hungry, but sometimes I can't even fall asleep. I've been adding in more strength training and doing new things each time I go to the gym and everyone is telling me that can affect my weight and I might not see a good loss for a bit.
All I know is I am working harder than ever, and the scale will not budge. For weeks now it's been between 185-187. I can eat perfectly all week and be within my calorie range and then if I have one bad meal (and we're not talking thousands of calories, just hundreds) it seems to mess me up for the whole next week or two.
This makes me think I will never be able to lose more weight. That I'll never get out of the 180s! There were 2 days in the last week where I exercised more than 2 hours, and I thought for sure it would make a big difference.
All of this is very discouraging. It's been a long hard road, and it never seems to get easier. It's enough to make you want to give up. Of course I won't. I will keep exercising and watching what I eat. I don't feel like I could live on eating less than 1500 calories a day. When I eat between 1600-1700 I feel satisfied. The days I eat less I find myself hungry and wanting to snack more. One would think that would be a reasonable amount of calories to eat when you work out as much as I do, but apparently my body will not let me lose more weight unless I eat less. I don't know.
Sometimes it's very hard to stay in a low calorie range and cook for my family. I end up eating different dinners a lot. Every single time I eat out or go to someone's house and eat food I didn't make, my weight is up. I try my best to track it, but I don't always know what is in it. I decline on going out to eat a lot of the time. It's hard. I feel like I'll never be able to just not think about what I am eating, like normal people do.
Soon I have a physical at the Dr and maybe there is something going on with me. Sometimes I am just so sick of working so hard for more than 2 years and still being fat! The only thing that comforts me is that at least I seem to be able to maintain a weight within a pound or two, but I still have a lot to lose and I want it gone.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I wish I could erase that word from my vocabulary, but it's always there, in the back of my mind, like a wound that won't heal and is often re-opened. Whenever I am going to do anything important, I doubt I can do it. The difference now is that is I don't let doubt stop me from trying, but I still always doubt myself and it makes me nervous to do something new or different.
I'm not sure exactly why (I mean, I have theories about why I am like this and some ideas from talking to a therapist) but I never feel that anything I do is good enough. When I accomplish something, I am proud that I've done it, but I always feel like I could/should have done better. When I bake something at home if it doesn't come out perfect I feel like I suck. I hate that I am like this, and I try so hard not to be so hard on myself, but sometimes I am. The thing is, I am not like this with other people. If they make a cake that is lopsided or imperfect, I don't care. If their house is a little untidy, I don't care. I know I can't be perfect and it's not even that I am trying to be, I just want to be good at something.
That's the thing, I guess. I have never felt that anything I've done is exceptional. There are a lot of things I am ok at, but not many that I feel I'm awesome at doing. I know people with so many different talents, and sometimes I wonder when I'll ever figure out what mine is. I have a lot of things I enjoy, but I don't feel I am really great at them.
Lately I've been doubting myself when it comes to the half marathon. I've completed 6 weeks of training, and I am proud of that. I've come to the point where the longest run I've done is 6 miles, which I did at the 10k in March, and now I am wondering...Can I really run 7 and 8, and 9 and 10 miles? I don't know. Lately I am feeling tired. Sometimes I just don't know if I am going to be able to do this, and then when people find out I am signed up for the half they even ask in an incredulous tone, "Are you going to try to run the WHOLE way?"
Running the whole way is my plan. I don't expect to finish it fast, and speed is not my goal. I just want to complete it, and enjoy it and not feel like I am dying. That is why I am working hard to be consistent with my training. I plan on slowing down and walking at the water stations, but I want to be able to run the whole way. If I have to walk some of it, so what. I'll still have ended up running most of it. It's just that now I am starting to get nervous before my long runs. I have no idea why, it's just a run, like I've done so many times, but I always have in the back of my mind that I will fail.
I've never been a very confident person. I was always the kid in class who was afraid to raise their hand and speak, even if I felt I had something good to say. Sometimes I just want to get over this and be more confident and feel like I am worthy of the praise that people are giving me. It's just hard. I have so many issues that I've had since childhood, and while I have gotten better, those insecurities are still there.
Friday, July 20, 2012
I have kept a pair of size 24 jeans in my closet for a while now. These are not even the biggest jeans I ever owned (I wore a 26 or 28), but I must have accidentally given those away. I kept a few things, but as soon as clothes were way too big for me, I got rid of them so I knew I did not have them to go back to.
There used to be a time I'd see other people in photos like this and wish it could be me. Well, now it is! I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, but I am proud of every pound I've lost, every mile I've run, and every step I have taken towards good health.
Here is another before picture of me.
And here is a current one
I think it's true what they say about a picture being worth a thousand words.
It's my hope that someone just starting out will see these, and they will know that it is possible to do this. I remember exactly how it feels in the beginning, knowing you have to lose the weight of an entire person, and feeling like it's impossible. Just know that it IS possible, you CAN do it. I don't possess any special powers, I didn't have a trainer or even a gym membership for my first year of losing weight. There were no diet pills taken, and I did not have any kind of surgery or follow a specific diet.
Believe in yourself, work hard and don't give up, and it will happen. You will see yourself start to change. It's a long road, but it is worth it.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Lately losing weight has been hard. It seems the smaller you get the harder you work and the less you can eat, and it's like a slap in the face how easily a pound comes back on. One bad weekend, even when I workout consistently, causes a weight gain. It's very frustrating and sometimes I just need to put things in perspective and realize how far I've come.
I was looking at photos the other night and decided to make a comparison. The picture of me at around 325 pounds was taken at one of my favorite parks. That picture was what kick started me into doing something about my weight. I saw just how big I was.
Recently I did a 5k at that same park, and my husband had me stand in the field in that same pose (in the before pic I was holding a kite). Sometimes I forget how much weight I've lost, and I still feel huge. It's hard to explain, but losing weight is such a mental battle.
My life has changed so much since I decided to make my health a priority. I have a lot more energy and am able to get more done in a day without being completely exhausted. There aren't limits on doing things, and I enjoy doing things with my family more.
When I was 325 pounds I wore a size 28 jeans and 30 top. I fit in a 3 or 4x.
Now I am in a 14/16 and can wear a size large and I even bought some skirts at Old Navy that were a MEDIUM! Their clothes tend to run a little bigger, I think, but wow, I used to wear the 3 and 4x in their stuff and I ordered it online because they only carry up to 2x in the store.
I could never wear my husband's clothes before, and now I can fit in his shirts and his pants! A lot of his t-shirts are too big on me. Back before I lost weight there was never an option for me to wear his jacket if I got cold, and now I can. That just makes me happy.
For the first time in our entire relationship (we have been together since I was 16 and he was 17) I weigh less than him.
I went from barely being able to walk a mile without feeling really tired to now being able to RUN more than 6.
I can now do "man" push ups when before I might have been able to do a couple on my knees.
When I see the scale not moving much, it's aggravating, but I have to be positive and remind myself that it doesn't take away from how far I've come. It is only a number! I was in my friend's wedding in May and I had to get the dress altered because it was too big. Well, she made it kind of tight, which was fine, but I needed my husband to help zip it because it was so snug. I tried it on the other day just to see, and it was noticeably looser! So, I am smaller even though the scale has not moved much since then.
A few years ago I never thought this was possible. I thought I'd spend my whole life being morbidly obese and was just destined to die that way. It makes me sad that for so long I didn't think I deserved better. Believing in myself has changed everything, and I know if I want something bad enough, I can work for it and achieve it. I used to think I'd never be able to run a mile, and now I am training for a half marathon!
To everyone out there still on your journey, whether you have 10 pounds to lose, or 100 or more, just keep going and know you can do it. No matter how long it takes, keep working toward your goal.
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