Tuesday, April 23, 2013
I saw an interesting question on spark about thoughts while running, so I began to examine mine.
Recently, I have been realizing just how much I criticize myself. I apologize to people constantly, even if I am not at fault. I have done it all my life and it is a habit I would love to work on.
So, anyway, today I was doing my run and I was doing really well. The sun was out, I was keeping a good pace, I was just happy.
Then, I began to think back to other times when I walked slowly (30 minute mile, anyone?) and I began to feel down again.
Then I realized: I had to give myself permission to love myself. I needed to tell myself that it was OK, that I deserved to be happy. For so long, I put my life on hold trying to make others happy. My efforts only pushed them away and I was still miserable.
I picked up my pace and began to smile again. I ROCKED it today...I was pleased with my workout. I am allowing myself to bask in my victory.
Yes, I have faltered before...ran too slow, ate too much, just didn't really take it seriously.
But the beautiful and sad part about yesterday is that it's gone...the mistakes can't be fixed and the good times can't last forever.
But I can begin anew today...with a smile on my face.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
My best BEST friend in the world was always my mom. I didn't really care about or have close friends my own age as my mom and I were inseperable.
When she died in 2008, I spent alot of time trying to form attatchments with others. Consequently, people would act like we were friends just to use me. However, there was this one girl at work that I began becoming close to. We did everything together, even though she was younger than me we had so much in common. I bared my soul to her and she did the same, even confiding she was bisexual, which not many knew.
She ended up moving in with me for a few months and I would drive her everywhere and she eventually just drove my car.
Even though she couldn't help me out like I could her, I was on top of the world. I thought I found that once in a lifetime friend some people have.
However, she moved in with her boyfriend whom we both worked with. She got a car. Her man didn't like me and the feeling was mutual.
Anyway, we started hanging out less and less. We started back up and I bought her a gold dog tag with a verse that meant something to both of us.
Then, all of a sudden, nothing. I was stranded with aflat tire months ago. She happened to ride by and she waved and drove on.
Then, yesterday, I saw her with her mom at wal-mart. Her mom said hello, but she kept walking. I looked back and she said something to her mom and they both just looked at me.
I always wondered what it was about me that made it impossible to stay close to people. Most of them I don't really mind if the friendship ends. But this one hurt :(
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Lately, I have been realizing that I constantly compare my weight/shape against other women. I always have a weight loss "model" in mind when I think about my weight.
The women are not actually models, just women I work with or see that I measure my weight up against theirs.
The current one is a woman at work who everyone says is so pretty. She used to be 200 or so pounds and now she goes on and on about weighing 130.
However, sometimes she will talk about exercise and she says she refuses to eat healthy or exercise.
I just want to get to the point where just being me is enough to reach for my goals.
I don't want to compare myself all the time to other women. What is even the point? I will never look like them....I should be comfortable in my own skin.
Hopefully I can turn my mind around!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I was going to write a post about how even though I lost five pounds I looked in the mirror today and saw some gross back fat.
Yuck...two pieces of my back touching together. I paused in front of my mirror disgusted.
Then, I heard my mom's voice in my mind, even though she has been gone 5 years. She always used to say "if you've got your health, you've got gold."
My mind drifted back to the end of January, when at the same time I had an abnormal pap as well as breast pain that rendered me unable to move my arm and begging multiple doctors for a breast sonogram. Luckily, I had testing and things turned out ok.
Suddenly, the fat on my back looked beautiful. The kidneys it housed, the back without pain, unlike so many poor people.
I reached into my memory and recalled some of the stories I read while researching my symptoms on the internet. Women who were fighting breast cancer just to stay alive, who were begging on forums and blogs for just some more TIME, time to see their kids turn 1 or see their daughter get married.
Brave women who enrolled in clinical trial after trial after trial just to extend their time on this earth...to walk, to learn, to grow, to explore without illness, as I was able to do if I wasn't looking in my mirror at back fat.
Does my son care about my back fat? No, he just wants his mommy healthy and alive to be with him. As I, even though an adult, wanted my own mother who lost her leg to diabetes.
I realized that I want to do this mostly to get healthy. I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't love to look better, but my main focus has to be on my health.
Part of our health is loving our body and taking care of it.
And, despite my being overweight, for the most part I am pretty healthy.
For this I am grateful.
So...instead of staring at my back fat, I said a silent thank you for my health, gave a silent respect and sorrow for those people fighting deadly illness or crippling pain and counted my blessing.
Then I pulled my shirt over my head and went for a walk.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
I weighed myself today and I gained! It was only a few ounces but I watched and exercised all week.
How does everyone handle this when it happens to you? I'm not giving up but it is discouraging.
Does it matter that I weighed myself at a different time? UGH!!!
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