Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I could not believe my eyes this morning when I hopped on the scale and saw the number 230. I have to pinch myself figuratively and literally because I can not believe that I have lost a total of 68 pound so far. I know I still have a loong long ways to go, but cripey! I feel so much better, have more energy, am sleeping better, and if I do say so myself, I look good! The jeans that I was raving about back in September are now loose on me, and I had to go down a size when I bought another pair in October. Hopefully when Christmas rolls around I will have dropped another size, I started at a 26/28 and am now an 18/20. Funny thing is, when I started this for real in May, everyone said I would lose it in my chest first but that hasn't happened. My stomach is now flatter than my boobs, but I still have to lean over them to see my feet! I am in a routine now that I go to the gym on Mon/Wed/Fri/Sun and am doing a yoga tape at home on Tues/Thurs. And my inspirationa and incentive......yup, it's that guy, although all of this is unbeknownst to him. Haven't even touched the Halloween candy that is lingering around the house, whereas last year it would have been gone by now.
And speaking of him......I really need to keep up with this blog so I can keep track of things because they are moving along nicely. The day after my last entry was "Alan"s birthday, so I made him a special birthday cake (I bring in all of the birthday cakes for friends at work because my family owns an ice cream store). So off I went to get him so everyone could sing Happy Birthday and then I cut the cake. As I was serving, the people in the room started talking and complaining like they always do about work stuff, so he and I had our eyes rolling at each other again, and he leans in and says that he was glad he sat with me the previous night because it was nice to have an actual real conversation instead of all of the B.S. and he thanked me. Like I wasn't already over the moon about it! Sothe next day my friend and I go to the bar where he was working his last day. We find him and God but he looks good! we hang out by him and have a beer. After a little bit, we decide to walk to her friends house nearby, and lo and behold they are nowhere to be found but a friend of theirs is there and lets us use the bathroom, and then we hang around to see if her friends show, which they don't. So we walk along the streets and it is party central. They call it an Irish day celebration, and it was because everyone was in green and everyone was drinking! The bars were overflowing, so we went back to where "Alan" works. He was guarding a door inside that bar that leads to an outdoor area and we just stood around there. It was fun watching all of the drunks go in and out, until......."Alan" walks away for a minute and comes back with....his girlfriend. He introduced us and I said "Hi, nice to meetcha" and that was about it because I was too far away and it was too loud. My friend was closer so she chatted a bit more, then the girlfriend went out the back door and that was that. Didn't see her again even though I was left there for three hours which I will explain in a bit because I'm sure a description is more important. Let me tell you, I felt old and frumpy next to her. She is young, mid twenties I would say, thin, with a nice perky chest (like mine used to be before kids), although I have more curves. Shoulder length straight hair, and a pretty face, not drop dead gorgeous but attractive. Me, I'm just cute! They didn't seem overly affectionate with each other, she didn't kiss him good-bye or anything, but that could be because he was working. So after the girlfriend goes out the back door to hang with her friends, my friend says she has to go to the bathroom and she is going to go back to her friends house. I didn't want to go because her friends were not home, so I said I would wait for her where I was. When does she come back? Three hours later!!!!! She tried to call me on my cell to tell me that her friends had come home and she was with them but there wasn't good reception, and I didn't want to leave and chance missing her so I stayed. And felt like the worlds biggest loser because I knew no one at all except "Alan" so I stayed by him the entire time, feeling mora nad more pathetic. I couldn't go and dance by myself, I had no one to talk to, and it was just very sad and embarrassing. It was cool to see him do his bouncer thing, especially after he had to close the door and on one side people are banging to be let in, and on the other people were trying to get out. He said to me a couple of times that he wished he could be making it more fun for me and I told him that I felt like an idiot just standing there and he says, "Nah, you're my date". But I am sure he was just being nice and felt sorry for me. I was really embarrassed because no one would approach me to ask me to dance or buy me a drink, but as my 16 year old daughter pointed out to me later, who was going to ask me when I was standing next to a 6"4 bouncer the whole time? That made me feel better. Finally my friend comes back, and she wants to leave, so we did. I was nervous about work on Monday because I still felt like such a loser, but he was so sweet about it! I told him that I had expected it to be a group thing and not just me, and he said again how he wished he could have entertained me. He said it would have been different if we could have gotten "hammered", and I actually had the nerve to say no, if we were going to get drunk together that there would be a lot less people around and alot more interaction!
So cut to this month and the present......the usual talking briefly to each other until I don't know if I am coming or going. I am driving myself bonkers trying to get over my feelings for him, and have even tried ignoring him, appearing to be busy when I pass him in the halls or such. This never works more than a day! I was so proud of myself about a week or so ago because I ignored him for the entire day, and then the next day he stops me as I am walking by his room to show me an article about a super-hero because and I quote, he thought I would appreciate it. So the day after that, I decide to stop trying to ignore him because that worked out so well (insert sarcasm) and be my usual happy, bouncy self. And I guess it worked! When we do chat, and it's not that much because he is in one area and I in another, we always end up talking about movies. We always say how much we want to see this one or the other, so I decided that the time had come for me to ask him if he wanted to go see a movie together. I found an article on a movie opening soon that I knew he was interested in, told him I had it and said that he should stop by my room so I could show him. Well, the entire day he never came by and I was devastated. I knew he wasn't busy on that particular day because I saw him in the hall alot, so I took it very personally. Was totally depressed that night, luckily did not turn to food for comfort so I guess I am getting pretty good at this whole dieting thing, but was sad none the less. Thought about it all the next day and decided to take the bull by the horns. I brought the magazine down to his room, threw it on his desk and said, "Fine! You won't come to me, I'll come to you!". He looked at the article, said again how much he wanted to see the movie, so I ttok a deep breath and said, "So...you want to go?" He said, "Yeah! Definitely!", I said "Okay" and walked out and went back to my room. Until I got there and realized that I didn't ask him if he wanted to go with ME!!!!!!!! Idiot that I am! So I peek out my room, see him him coming down with the magazine in his hand, cursed myself out a bit more for being a wuss, and sat at my desk pretending to be busy. He comes in, gives me my magazine, says again how he is looking forward to the movie when it comes out, so I take an even bigger breath, and even though my heart is going a hundred miles a minute, I ask him who he plans on seeing it with. He says that he does not know, and even though my heart is beating out of my chest by this point and I am glad I am sitting down beacuse my knees were watery, I act all casual and calm, cool, and collected and say, "Do you want to go with me?". And HE says, without even the slightest pause or hesitation, "Yeah! Sure!". I said okay, it's a plan, we'll talk when it opens, and he asked me "Well, I know how busy our schedules are so how's Thursdays for you?" and I quickly ran through my head everything that I have going on on Thursdays, figured I could call in some favors and said that Thursdays are good for me. Can you believe it?????? We are going out!!!! Now, here comes reality rushing in once again....I know that in his mind this is not a date, and he thinks that we are just two friends hanging out and going to a movie, but hey! I got my foot in the door and this is the first time we will hang out just the two of us. So you can imagine how hard my fantasy drive is working right now. I can only hope that I can continue to play it cool and not make a fool of myself. I think it might be next week because after that is Thanksgiving so.........Wish me luck!
Friday, October 03, 2008
Standstill broken! TOM is over, Chinese food digested, hop on scale = 5 more pounds that I am done with which brings my total up to (trumpets blaring) 60 lbs. gone exactly! Yippee! And that was with only going to the gym once this week, absolutely no time for more until Sunday at least. The birthday dinner for my friend was last night, and it went extremely well, AND I stuck to my plan. I only had 2 Corona Lights to drink and I had pan seared ahi tuna to eat. Did so well,due in part, I think, to the fact that HE was right next to me the entire time, so he truly is my inspiration, although he has no clue about that. Every time I get a craving or am too tired to go to the gym, I think of how I will look in the end and it stops me in my tracks. It helps alot when my friends tell me that he says things to them about how good I look, like yesterday when he said something to the birthday girl about my weight loss and that now I have a bounce in my step that wasn't there before! And now that my weight loss feats are hereby blogged, on to better things.....I know that I sound like a teenager with a crush when I go on and on about this, but as I don't keep a written journal, this is my way of remembering the interactions for analysis later........
So we all meet at the bar of the restaurant for a few drinks before dinner, and he sits right next to me. We chat a bit, thank God for the two beers because I did get a little tipsy, but did not make an ass out of myself for once with him. Then a friend came over and stood between us and was talking non-stop so he and I exchanged eye rolls a few times, and then she put him on the spot because she kept calling me "Ms. Sexy" and actually asked him if he agreed and he gave me a head to toe look-over and said "She sure is"! Gulp! Then I shooed everyone over to the dinner table and even though there were 16 other people there, he chose again to sit right, and I mean right next to me. Knees were touching, my hand was occasionally doing the flirting thing and touching his arm, and he neither moved away or seemed offended. For the 2 hours or so that we were at the table we almost only talked to each other. Everyone else was talking work shop, but he and I talked about all sorts of things. I asked him if it was going to be weird that our mutual friend and I were going to his bar on Saturday and he said "No, you should definitely come! We'll have alot of fun". Then he said that he did not know where he was going to be working in the bar so he said "Why don't you take my number so you can call me and find me?" so I put his number in my phone and asked him how I could possibly not find him since he is 6'4 and kind of stands out but he said the other bouncers are bigger than him! So I said well, good to know that I will be protected if anyone bothers me, and he said that if that happens to find him and he will pretend to be my boyfriend. Imagination overload right about now! We also talked about how it is a daily struggle in regards to weight loss or in his case weight maintainence. He said that all of the men in his family are tall like him but big and that is why he goes to the gym almost daily and works out for, get this, 2-3 hours! I said that I am lucky to go 3-4 times a week for an hour a clip and then he was asking me about my workout routine. We just kept talking and talking, about movies, a party we had gone to in June(he found it funny to find out that I was drunk at said party and I found it funny to find out he was as well, so he said "Aren't we the quietest drunks ever?", we talked about how both of us are more into people watching when we go out than interactive, and other stuff. Okay, realism check.....I know that the odds of us getting together are slim to none, I know that he is seeing someone else, but like I said earlier I write all of this so that I will not forget and can self-analyze. I ask my friends and family "What does it mean when he says such and such or does whoozy what". The general consensus is that a relationship is forming, and that perhaps he is receptive to me. I am at a disadvantage because I have not done the whole flirting thing in an extraordinarily long time, so I do not know if I am reading way more into every nuance than is really there. I go from an extreme high of thinking "Okay, he likes me" to an extreme low of thinking "Okay, he is just being the nice guy that he is" and it is wreaking havoc with my mind. I mean, he didn't offer his phone number to our mutual friend who we will be hanging out with tomorrow, HEe chose to sit near and next to me last night, he seems receptive and not repulsed by casual touches from me, he has made more than one comment to people in regards to my self-improvement (and I think knowing that it would get back to me) but what does it all mean? Hopefully, I can glean more info tomorrow because this is no way to live. I can't sleep, I can't eat,(okay, I can but I choose not to, not like I did before when my emotions were in high gear), and HE is all I think about all of the time. Crazy.
Friday, October 03, 2008
So, I've been at a stagnant standstill since my last entry. Don't have a true reading on my weight as of this moment because of bad monthly timing, plus the partaking of Chinese food this past weekend has left me feeling twice as water logged than usual. I'll hop on the scale next Monday for sure. I did get to the gym today, though I have not been consistent with that lately. It is so much harder to get there when school is back in session for my kids. I already get up at 5:30 every morning just to be out the door by 7, and after school is difficult because of extra curricular activities. Then of course dinner, homework, showers, etc. leaves little time left for Mommy gym time. No way am I getting up at 4 a.m. to fit in a workout, since I don't get to bed until around about 11 at night. Dilemma, dilemma. I do try to walk around alot at work (okay, let's face it...it's not that much of a hardship when there is a chance I could run into "Alan") but it is not the same as a complete workout at the gym. I also feel that by running to the gym when we don't have any after school stuff is taking time away from my kids, even though they are very understanding about my doing this for myself. It is just very hard and frustrating to try and do it all. I know that in the end I will look and feel great, it's the getting there that is troublesome. Another problem is my patience level is wearing thin....now that I have lost a significant amount, I want the rest to come off quickly and be done with it already. I am completely aware that this journey will never be over, but feel that I can commit to the lifestyle changes that are necessary, and have already. Dark chocolate instead of a king size Snickers bar, multi-grain bread instead of white, wheat pasta, veggies, turkey instead of bologna, etc. the whole shebang. I am very lucky that my kids have adapted so readily to these changes, and are eating healthier also. Neither of them have a problem with their weight, thank God, but then again neither did I until my 20's. Hopefully, they will be in different circumstances than I was and will not have to turn to food for comfort like I did. Talk about self-deprivation, though.....first I give up sex 4 1/2 years ago, now my comfort foods! Good thing someone finally figured out that dark chocolate in moderation can actually be good for you, otherwise I would totally be screwed!!
Update on the "Alan" front....confusion and more confusion! Part of me loves the mystique of the "does he like me or doesn't he" and part of me just wants to know for sure. And are some things coincidence or planned? Like the fact that he has been parking his car nearer to mine. Like how even though he gets to leave 15 minutes before me, for some reason lately it seems like we leave together more often than not (no plotting or planning on my part either...tee-hee...yeah, right I could rule the world if I ever decided to use my powers for good), like the fact that I spend alot of time standing outside my classroom and catch him looking at me almost as much as I am looking at him. Oh well...only three more days until the birthday dinner, and five until my friend and I go to the bar that he will be working his last day at. Which brings me to another interesting dilemma....to drink or not to drink? That is the question. Obviously sloppy drinking is out...how embarrassing would that be? One or two drinks to loosen myself up and hopefully dazzle without being the tongue twisted blithering idiot I usually am with him? I swear, he really does make me babble which pisses me off because I can talk to anybody intelligently except him. Not enough alcohol to make me confess my undying devotion, but enough to make me move to the music and make him wonder what else I can do with my body? Cuz let me tell you, for a heavier person, I am extremely limber!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Okay, so I'm 5 pounds more done, so that makes a total of 55 gone forever. Wanted to go the gym so badly yesterday, but my sisters wanted to go to, and even though I was dressed and rarin' to go, one thing led to another and we ended up not going. We all went today, and although I was able to do all of my reps on the 15 machines I use, I felt pressured to leave by them and cut my treadmill workout short. This is why I would rather just go by myself because I can do what I want, when I want without having anyone hold me back. I have more discipline when doing things on my own instead of going by anyone elses' schedule. I love my sis' dearly, but I need to be selfish about this or I will lose focus.
On a happier note, I had blogged on Friday that I wish "Alan" would have said something directly to me about my new look and lo and behold my wish came true! Yesterday he came up to me and said, "Tammy, by the way, you look REALLY good". So I guess he does look after all! I've noticed that lately we have been chatting a little bit more and more, in fact today he came to my classroom where fortunately I was alone, knocked on my door and we were talking for awhile. I am planning a 70th birthday dinner for one of our co-workers and he is planning on coming so yay! More time for us to talk but in a social setting. And hopefully, he will not be able to resist my sparkling wit and personality, and I can get through dinner without dripping something on my chest.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
My normal reaction to hearing that a guy I like was involved with someone else would have been to immediately hit the nearest fast food drive-thru, order everything on the dollar menu and go home to a real oink fest. I was going to go the gym but it was pouring out and the weather fit my mood so I came home, listened to sad music on my I-Pod and had a good cry instead. This morning I woke up in a better frame of mind, something happened in my dreams I guess, but I have a new hopeful outlook.
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