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Day 110

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

So far to date I've lost over 30 lbs. or .27 lbs. a day. I know it seems like a lot when you put it into losing about 1/4 a lb. a day but I so hoped to be further along by now. It doesn't help that I've been eating all wrong lately but hey stress happens and I've just been dealing with it the wrong way. I want to be at 180 lbs. before I get pregnant. That's a little less then 20 lbs. to go. Both my pregnanys I've gained 50+ lbs. and usually hang on to about 20-30 of it so I want to be at a lower weight after baby then I was at my highest which was 230 lbs. I'm also hoping that if I get pregnant I will still be under 200 lbs. in two months after giving birth? Does anyone think this is possible? Trying to do all the math in my head and figureing everything out is stressful lol but on the other hand I really want another baby SOON! So I guess in the end does it matter? If I lose the weight now less I have to lose afterwards but if I get pregnant now I can have a baby and concentrate on losing the weight instead of stressing about gaining it back when I get pregnant. Oh well we will see.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUSSUDIO83 2/19/2009 10:50PM

    Don't be down about your progress, b/c you are doing great! I don't know much about pregnancy, but I have read that it is best to get pregnant at a healthy weight. I'm sure you know a ton more about it than I do, but I think you have the right idea to try to get to a lower weight before trying to get pregnant. I have heard that it's easier to lose the baby weight if you were at a more reasonable weight to begin with.

Keep up the good work! You are doing a great job! I hope everything is going ok for you right now.

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I need hope. I'm losing grip.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I know everyone has there own obstacles in life but I'm getting so peeved.

My Ex. gave me $50 for a bed for my son like that's going to buy him one.

Found out today that he took our engagement ring he promised to give me since I wanted to save it for our son and tore it to pieces to make a new one for his new GF.

He took the ring and spent $1,000 to make a new ring with the pieces from mine for her and $500 on a dress. But tells me he has no money for his own son.

After arguing with him all morning he finally agreed to let me order a dresser, nightstand, toy box and bookshelf online for our son, but now the credit card won't go threw since he never buys anything online. It finally went threw but he put the wrong address and had to cancel it. Now he wants me to order it but his credit card won't work again. I don't see why he can't just send me a check but he complains if he does he has no proof I'm spending it on my son. My son needs things I'm tired of feeling like he's being punished because his dad wants to be a deadbeat when he's mad at me. When he does help he gives the minimum effort he can then gets upset with me. We broke up 8 months ago and has sent me one check for $50 for the bed and $100 for cloths which he wants me to pay him back. Seriously is this to much to ask? My son has been sleeping in the bed with me. He's to big for this and deserves to have his own stuff.

I'm stuck again with my weight so it's getting on my nerves.

I'm unemployed and am broke. I worked from June - August and got fired and since I've been a stay at home mom for 4 years no one wants to give me a chance!

Mike is threatening if I go after child support he will take my son away from me. He takes care of his new GF's son but wants nothing to do with his own. Only wants him because he feels he shouldn't have to help me sense Anakin isn't with him.

I have a major headache from the stress and found all this out today and I just feel like I'm going crazy. Non stop yelling at my son (he's driving me crazy with his screaming and not listening but he's autistic I know I have to be patient but I'm in such a bad mood)

I can't stop crying all day knowing what Mike did to my ring since he knew how special it is to me. I'm just so frustrated with everything. I think I'm losing it and all I want to do is binge eat, and I know the minute I touch food there is no stopping me so I'm starving since I haven't eaten anything.

He tells me he loves me when he's argueing with her and wants to fix things with me but when she's around does nothing but yell at me and makes me cry or wants nothing to do with me.

I feel like such a loser because I couldn't even afford to buy my son a single present but my family is helping and each bought him presents since they know I am struggling.

PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME HOPE!!! Just a little that's all I need.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARYMAC45 8/2/2009 9:22PM

    So sorry for you and your son. Get in touch with your local welfare deprtment. They will go after him for support. Best of luck. Mary- Lisa's Mom 5/15/67-12/12/85

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SWEENEYP 1/13/2009 1:33PM

    Mmm.....start by kicking his ass. Seriously, there is a way you can do this with little money, but it may take some time and research. I am sure there is legal aid available to help you take his booty to court, which is what you should do, since he is not supporting his child whatsoever. That is not right, especially since you don't have a job (or didn't have one). Every father should want to make sure his child is doing okay, whether it be financially, emotionally, etc. And any money going to purchase things for your son shouldn't have to be paid back....that's ridiculous. What a creep. Does he get to see your son? Because if I was you, I would just stay away until all this is resolved. Sit back and let the courts take care of it. Then is he wants to see him, he can petition for visitation or something. Otherwise, forget it, since he seems to not care one way or the other.
It makes me angry that someone is treating you this way, and frustrated that I can't do anything except give you crappy advice. If you need to talk or vent, just send me an e-mail, k?

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JIBBIE49 12/25/2008 12:26AM

    Hon, I hate to say it, but men think with their "crotch", so that GF will get what she wants as long as she is taking care of what he's got.
YOU need to get a lawyer and get some child support, or have him in jail. That GF will hike down the road if he isn't bringing any money in for her and her kid. You are TOO nice.

At least go to see a Social Worker and find out your rights.

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KAM13D 12/24/2008 10:57AM

    Think'n about ya from North Carolina... and remember, tomorrow the sun WILL rise ;)

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PISCESFRICTION 12/23/2008 8:53PM

    You are a Done Girl right?

Be done with him. You got the far better end of the deal: a gorgeous little person, who while challenging, is the best thing to come of that relationship.

Have legal aid go over what you need to do to sue to child support, you won't be the first person they've seen in this situation, so maybe they can help guide you through it. I am a list person; I like writing out my goals and the steps to accomplish them.

You are the world to that little boy and you need to show him how to be strong and how to not give up.

Look to your family for love and support; this will also help your little guy see how a family is supposed to be. It is unfortunate that your ex is immature and cannot see the bigger picture, but be done with his behaviour.

You can do this. You have hope. You have faith. You have support online and off. You can fully do this.

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PKELLAM 12/23/2008 7:09PM

    emoticon

I'm sending all the cyberhope I can fit into this computer your direction.

I'm older than you but I recognize bits of your story as mine. I was madly in love with my (ex)husband when he walked in the door with a neck full of hickeys (I know, how classy) as his way of letting me know he'd been cheating. Turned out that was his 3rd time around and silly me hadn't figured it out before. I was left with two beautiful children ages 3 & 5, a pile of bills and a house I couldn't afford.

Jump ahead a couple years and the "practice spouse" as I now call him had fortunately dropped out of the picture after he begged me to come back and I finally grew a backbone and said never. He still attempted "Disneyland Dad" appearances but I blocked him at every turn. My own mental health and that of my boys was way, way too important for his game playing.

Fast forward ten years and it's now been at least 5 or 6 years since I've even heard from the practice spouse. During this time my boys are growing up happy and healthy, I've survived cancer and I'm happily planning my second wedding to my real hubby when the practice spouse decides to sue me for child support. Keep in mind he owes the boys about $70K at that point. The judge literally laughed at him and that was the last time I heard from him - except when my oldest son was killed in a traffic accident and his "father" called me for the sole purpose of telling me that it was all my fault somehow.

Some people just never get it and I have a sneaking suspicion that your ex is one of them. My advice is to cut your losses and find a local free legal clinic to get some advice. Most states have very specific criteria for how child custody is set up and his saying that he'll go for custody holds no weight. He's holding a mother's fear of losing her child over your head and then backing it up with the money issues. Start documenting his behavior and then do something about it.

Don't get too hung up on whether or not you bought your son a Christmas present this year. There are alot more Christmas' in his future. And honestly...do you remember what your parents got you for Christmas when you were 4?

You already have the most precious gift on this planet - your son - and he has you. The rest will work itself out.

Wishing you Peace...

Penny - Sean's Mom
12/10/83-12/28/05

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TEMPTATION! I said no!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

My parents came home from Walmart today with two bags of doritos, 3 jars of cheese and 2 jars of salsa. My parents each eat about half a bag of doritos in a sitting and they each have a soup bowl of half cheese and half salsa filled. (remember two bowls they don't share.) My son decided he wanted a bowl of doritos and as much as I wanted a taste so bad I compromised. No temptations for me I'm in ONE-derland now I'm not messing up. I had 1 serving broccoli 35 calories. 2 tbsp. cheese, 40 calories and 2 tbsp. salsa 20 calories. All together 95 calories when I could probably consume 1,000 plus calories if I ate the way I used to when the chips are brought into the house.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HONEYBEAR1461 12/21/2008 6:20AM

    Well done girl. I started back on the right track, hopefully, today. Over the past few weeks I am good one day and bad the next.

Keep up the good work.

Jennylee

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JIBBIE49 12/20/2008 10:27PM

    Way to do it!! emoticon

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RHALES199 12/20/2008 8:29PM

    Way to go! Good Job passing up those chips and dip!

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Self pain.

Monday, December 15, 2008

When is was sixteen I started mutilating myself by slitting my arms. Not to kill myself but because when I was depressed (I'm bi-polar) or upset it made me feel better it took the pain off the situation that I was going threw. I haven't done anything since June 2003. Well lately with all the stress I can't get the thought off my mind of doing it again. It's an addiction I will fight for the rest of my life. I know just once and I'll go back to doing it. I haven't had this feeling for years but lately it just seems to always be on my mind. I try my best to ignore it but the thought will just come to me out of nowhere. Another one of these moments is happening right now and I'm trying my best to keep myself occupied. It helps that I am now living once again with my parents because I can't just go and get a blade like I used to they will know what I'm doing so atleast with the temptations there are certain points where I know it's not possible. I just hope I don't have one of these feelings when I'm alone.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HONEYBEAR1461 12/18/2008 5:49AM

    I pray that you find the strength not to turn into the self mutilating again. My dear friend, who also happens to be my boss, was diagnosed initially as depressed and then as being bipolar. She also cuts her arms. She hadn't done it for about 3 months then went and did it again after her favourite cousin died in a car accident.

Perhaps tell your parents about your thoughts so that they may remove anything that can be used for you to harm yourself. My friend actually gave me her razor blades, sharp knives and although she could go out and buy more she finds that she can't be bothered getting the car out of the garage to drive to the shops to get a knife or a razor. So far it has helped and as friends we can only be here for you BUT it is ONLY you who can stop yourself from harming you.

Please, please find the strength not to do it. We are here to talk to if you need it although I know it is not the same as having someone physically there with you.

Take care,
Jennylee

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MEANDMY3MUTTS 12/15/2008 9:09PM

    Your definately not alone. I feel that way too, altho my razor blade is usually food!

A few years ago, when I first moved to this area I got really depressed. I had moved back here after my husband died to be with my family, who a year or so after that decided to retire and move to Florida. Talk about feeling alone.

It would get so over powering at times that I would actually get up and go out to a 24 Hour Wal-Mart just to walk around so I didn't have to be alone. I was afraid of being alone with myself, I really didn't know what I would do, if anything, but there was this over whelming power that just made me feel like I was getting sucked down into this black hole. It was awful.

I don't want to go there again, and I am trying to keep myself from going there, but its hard. Your very lucky you have your parents there for you. They sound very loving! And I am sure they want the best for you. You do too, or you wouldn't have written that blog.



emoticon

Comment edited on: 12/15/2008 9:12:21 PM

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JIBBIE49 12/15/2008 8:48PM

    It's a FEELING. It is just a FEELING. Dr. Phil says it is ANXIETY and it is no different than going and binge eating until you are sick, which is a DIFFERENT feeling, than the anxiety.

I'm saying this in a loving voice, so don't take me wrong. What happened to you when you were little that caused you anxiety? I always think there is some place that that first FEAR happens, and then we keep going back to it, without the situation happening.

My brother says that lots of men suffer from ANXIETY attacks, but they go to a bar and get DRUNK, which covers up the FEELINGS and they laugh and tell everyone they are having a great time. But, it is a lie. Once they get sober, they have the anxiety come back.

He's on anxiety medicine, but he is a Gemini and he still deals with his "nerves."

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Wow you look a lot thinner**

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Before I hit puberty I was a skinny mini. But once puberty hit I was one of those people that only had to smell food to gain weight. My dad knows this is a big problem that I have been dealing with for about 14 years now. He knows it's a touchy subject but loves to make whale jokes and just put me down. He says it's out of fun and I shouldn't take things so seriously. Funny part is he can eat what he wants and is still a stick. He can give a joke but he can't take them without getting upset. When he makes one of these jokes and sees that it bothers me he tends to pick on it even more till I tell him to F off. He just laughs. I buckled down and became serious about dieting on November 1, 2008 and I've lost 25 lbs. since. My dad is not one to compliment you when you are doing good but instead focuses on all your negatives instead. The other day as he was passing my room to get some of his tools on the porch he stops looks at me and said. "Wow, you look a lot thinner. You have lost a lot of weight." I looked at him like he was crazy and asked him what he wanted. he says "nothing" and leaves. Now I probably went about it the wrong way instead of thanking him but a compliment from him is 1 in a million. But you know what, ever since that day I've been so ecstatic because I know he was truthful. Most people know my weight is a touchy subject and would tell me I've lost weight even when I know I gained. So all I have to say is thanks dad. Even though I feel like you pick on my weight so much you where truthful. I let my weight get out of hand and know that when you complimented me you meant it and you didn't lie just because you wanted me to feel better.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

HONEYBEAR1461 12/15/2008 5:33AM

    Isn't it lovely to get an honest positive comment from someone, especially someone who should love you unconditionally but can often give nothing but negatives??

My grandmother is a bit like that so I take any positive comment that she gives out as they are few and far apart.

Keep up the good work.
Jennylee

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JIBBIE49 12/15/2008 3:21AM

    Got to love the Dad. emoticon

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