Friday, December 20, 2013
I gotta get my life together.
Lord, help me.
Friday, May 10, 2013
OKAY. So, here's what's new with me.
--I am officially a college graduate with a youth ministry degree.
(and nope... haven't found a job for that yet haha)
--I lost a dear friend of mine on the 27th of April. Josias Rodriguez died after slipping and falling off of a cliff at Hocking Hills while on a hiking trip with some of his peers at a leadership team building trip. He was an amazing man of God and only 19 years old. In that 19 years, he made such a tremendous impact on people that his funeral needed overflow rooms to make sure everyone could watch... it was already a large church, too! His death inspired many to rise up and become who they were meant to be in Jesus Christ... 20 people even gave their life to Christ in response to this call from his family.
--I am one of the inspired ones who decided to strive to be who I am meant to be in Christ. For once, it doesn't include the physical this time. I'm meant to take the spiritual gifts God has given me and USE them. I meant to be an encourager, a leader, a FRIEND to everyone I come across. I am meant to serve Jesus 100% and knock it off with the addictions in my life and the selfish attitudes. Believe it or not, I can be one of the most selfish people when I put my mind to it. I'm realizing that now and painfully finding my way out of it. Oh, pride, why must you exist?
-- I am ENGAGED! Brian, my wonderful fiancee and best friend, asked me to marry him on April 20th and I SAID YES! The wedding is in a year... guess what that means? I'm sweatin for a weddin! ;)
-- God called me to come back home for a year and minster to my father. I had many other plans lined up -- get a job in Grove City, maybe go to grad school in KY, maybe take an internship opportunity in Indianapolis with an amazing ministry there... but nope. God said "go home" and asked me to do the most painful thing: minister to my father and serve him with a love that only comes from Jesus. My father is 3/4 of the "cause" of all of my depression, over-eating, self-image issues. I have long forgiven him for leaving the family and choosing alcohol over us. I have long began the healing process. Something tells me, though, that seeing my father come to Jesus before he dies (which isn't expected to be long from now -- 2 years, tops.) will be the final healing that I need... and I will be able to move on with my life and have a healthy marriage with my future husband, Brian.
-- I am working on my goal list for the summer! Check back next week to see it! :) I am also working on starting a blog on blogspot... no, I'm not betraying SparkBlogs ;) I'm just "expanding my horizons" and enjoying the pretty decorating I can do on blogger haha.
-- Last but not least... I'm looking for a job right now. I'm not expecting it to be full time, but I'm praying if I get a part-time that it turns into a full time. Lately, though, it seems as if college graduates aren't highly demanded in the work force like they used to be... especially college graduates with a youth ministry degree ;)
Trusting in the Lord & preparing myself to move forward,
Thursday, April 11, 2013
So. I fell. Hard. I have gone back and forth when it comes to being motivated for weight loss. I've watched Jillian Michaels' show, "Losing It" on YouTube for awhile now. So much emotional pain has driven their needs for food and satisfaction there. I see my patterns of going back and forth, back and forth, and I gotta come to the conclusion that there is something holding me back from moving completely forward with all motivation and heart put into it.
What if there's an emotional pain? One of the episodes of "Losing It" had a girl named Michelle, I believe, who was 260 pounds before she had a "tummy tuck" sort of thing -- a surgery to help her lose weight. She lost the weight, but she still had the "fat girl mentality" or whatever. She was so beautiful! In her mind, though, she was still fat and incapable of being fit or fine.
Jillian was asking her to do sit ups and she couldn't even do five. She is 160 pounds, I think, but couldn't do 5 sit ups. I was amazed! Thought all skinny girls could do those! (yeah, I know... I was mistaken haha) As she tried, she kept falling backwards and failing. Jillian looked at her and just spoke into her life like crazy! She said to her "Let go of the fat girl! Let her be happy!"
I started crying. It's not necessarily the "fat girl" I need to let go of. I'm still that fat girl right now! What I need to let go of is that "lonely girl" ... middle school was full of bullying and depression and suicidal thoughts and self-injury for me. I was lonely, afraid, and broken! I still have that mentality sometimes! And I think it holds me back in my life, my ministry, and my weight loss goals.
I'm not depressed anymore... I'm not suicidal or cutting anymore...
But my mentality is still in this "broken girl" point in my life.
I kept thinking I have to lose weight to get out of it... but maybe to lose weight, I need to get out of it....
All this doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying because I still have some emotional issues I need to work out. It means that I'm going to be more aware when I start to make excuses... maybe they're just reasons to not believe in myself instead of real, true excuses.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
I miss you so!
Seems like it's been forever... since I've been gone.
(sung badly to the tune of an old song)
I miss you guys... I need SparkPeople back in my unhealthy, unfit, unmotivated life.
Lord Jesus, help me!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
I am a food addict... but only when I have the money to be one.
Over the summer? I was good! I didn't have money and I didn't have a car or access TO a car to run out for food runs...
But school has started, the boyfriend gave me a key to the DoleBaby (my name for his beautiful trailblazer), and I have money now...
I have been over eating like crazy. Last night, I pigged out like I have never pigged out before... on Taco Bell, of all things :'( And today, I pigged out because unfortunately, they have something at my school called "Blazer Bucks" and a cafe area that I can spend those "blazer bucks" at. Since the blazer bucks come with your meal plan, I always feel as if I am getting this stuff for free, so I "pig out" sometimes on a regular basis.
Something's gotta stop. So, I thought about it... and I decided that it was time for drastic measures! I have a wedding to be a maid of honor for in one month, eight days!
My drastic measures: Brian (my wonderful boyfriend whom I trust with my whole heart) will be getting my debit card. I will request only on an emergency basis (needing to buy something non food related, of course!). And I am going to stand beside the cafe counter tomorrow and pay the order of every student that comes by until I am out of blazer bucks for the semester...
Seriously. I'm that desperate.
Many of you may not like this approach -- saying I'm being too "all or nothing" ... but here's the thing. When I was in the "all" category, I did GREAT... then I tried to be in the "occasional, small moments of splurging" category, I did AWFUL...
So it's "all" for me now. I've got too much at stake!!!
I'll let you all know how it goes!
p.s. this is only snack related, so I will still be eating a balanced breakfast, lunch, and dinner ;) Do not fear! :P
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