Monday, June 02, 2014
So I have not been on in a couple weeks. So much has happended. When I stopped posting a couple weeks ago I was still experiencing back pain. I had a pinched nerve in my back and I was on the mend but a little scared to exercise for fear of reinjury. Then my grandmother (who raised me) went into the hospital she is 84. At first they said she was dehydrated, her blood sugar dropped and she had a virus, after 3 days in she was sent home. A few days later she went back only to discover she had pneumonia and needed a pacemaker. So they had to clear up the pneumonia before putting in the pacemaker, she was in again for 9 days. Needless to say it was hit or miss and she finally came home Thursday only to have to go back on Saturday night. It has been a roller coaster.
In the process of trip one and two to the hospital I was visiting my grandmother at her house. I prepared lunch for the entire family that day we had 8 to eat. After lunch my son took off his shoes. My uncle immediately noticed he had a hole in is sock and told me I was a bad mother not once but twice. He said I need to step it up as a parent and that I sucked at being a mom. He also told my son he was a odd duck just like his mother. He then proceeded to throughout the entire day take jabs at my son and me. I am use to it because that was my entire life being raised by my Grandmother. My Grandmothers children never do any wrong but no one ever takes up for us (me or my sister). We are the whipping post so to speak. I was so hurt by the things he said I felt like I was a teenager again. My son started crying on the way home as to why my uncle likes my daughter more than him. I tried to explain that it has always been that way ever since I was a child (he liked my sister more than me) and not to let his words hurt him. Kind of hard to do since I moved away when I was 19 because my father tried to punch me and when I went crying to my grandmother she wanted to know "WHAT I DID TO MAKE HIM MAD". At that point I knew he could have killed me and it would have been "I brought it on myself". My Grandma is very old school and the men never do anything wrong in the family. I have lived away from my family for 23 years but I visit and bring lunch every Sunday as my Grandmother is getting older. It took me many years when I first moved away to not be angry and I thought I had that all behind me but when the insults came a couple weeks ago it brought it right back to the surface just like it was yesterday. I try to be a good granddaughter ( I have been bringing lunch, going to church with them and helping out for 5 years now) but it is so hard when in the process of all the insults my Grandmother goes into the other room gets my son some socks and forces him to put them only adding fuel to the fire. I cut out my mothers family several years ago because of all of the disfunction on that side. My Dad's side of the family is the only family we have left but I am really close to cutting myself and my family off from them as well. I am so very frustrated. Not sure the correct path to take. Yesterday after church my family went to grandmas and was informed she had been taken back to the hospital but no one let us even know she was sick again. I talked to her on Friday but did not on Saturday. I feel like cinderella (minus the being skinny and pretty part). My Grandma's two sons (my uncle, my dad) and my aunt all knew she was in the hospital. I am the one who stayed the night in the hospital the night they did not think she would make it because I did not want her alone, I am the one who puts up her Christmas Tree and decorates her house because she loves decorations, my family is the one who finances lunches on Sunday for all of them to stuff ther faces, my husband helps my uncle on the farm because he is short handed and never gets paid a dine and this is the treatment we get for all of our efforts. UGHHH
Sorry for getting so personal on by blog but I just needed to vent my frustrations somewhere. I keep praying the right thing to do will come. Stop going out there and find a church closer to my house that is not one hour away? I get up at 6 a.m on Sundays to make lunch then we all get ready and we leave the house at 8:30 a.m. to travel one hour to church and then on to Grandma's house. I know I can find a church closer to my house but we where making the trek for the family. Now I am beginning to wonder if I should stop trying.
But I am happy to say that in the middle of all of this drama I have not gained any weight. I may not have lost but I have not gained. I am back on track today and am looking forward to a loss by next Monday.