Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Every day is a new chance to take care of yourself. I wrote this to someone yesterday after reading their blog. It's so true though. I'm usually so busy beating myself up about yesterday and the day before and so on, but it's useless. Yesterday is gone, there is only today. Every moment I spend thinking about yesterday is time gone and it doesn't change anything. So my mantra going forward will be that: Every day is a new chance to take care of yourself. I deserve the same advice. I'm going to print it out and put it on my computer at work, in my van, on my refigerator at home and on my bathroom mirror.
I will learn to take it easy on myself. I am doing a good job. Every day that I wake up and eat my breakfast I have done something good for myself. No, I am not as thin as I would like and no I may not get in an hour workout everyday, but I do make good choices everyday and some days I make a lot of good choices.
I am so happy with myself for starting this journey to change the way I talk to and treat myself. If I were to say outloud to someone some of the things that I say to myself, it would be so mean and hurtful. If I care enough about other people to not speak to them like that, how much more should I love and care for myself.
Yesterday I took a 30 minute walk before lunch and I noticed some self-talk that was not good. I was judging myself how I thought others were. I thought to myself that I must look funny out there walking around by myself and that people are probably wondering why someone so fat would be outside. I know, really ridiculous. Then when my walk was almost over I saw someone walking who was much more overweight than me. I thought to myself how great that she's taking the time to do that, to give her body the gift of fitness. I wished I could walk with her and tell her how proud I was of her, even though I don't know her. Why couldn't my brain say that about me. Well, that's going to change. I am not fat and I'm sure that just how I was proud of that woman who I don't know, someone was proud of me.
I am really excited to make these changes. I've been tortured by my own thoughts for too long. I will be free some day.
Today my homework to take care of myself will be to:
1. Replace negative self-talk with positive. Whatever it is, turn it around to the positive. Like right now my brain said, "you can't do that, you wont' be able to change the way your brain thinks, and why are you writing this for people to read, they are going to think you're crazy." Instead I know: yes, I can 100% change the way I think and no, you do not think I'm crazy. :)
2. Get in a 30 - 60 minute run/walk/strength session during my lunch. I have everything I need here to do it and I have plenty of time today.
3. Drink at least 8 cups water.
4. When hungry, choose fruit and not candy for snacks.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I felt so good for most of last week. I felt in control and I was happy. I don't understand how in just one day it can totally change. I can't honestly even remember what changed. Friday was definately a turning point. I think I started the day fine. I don't really know where I went wrong. Then by the end of the day Saturday I felt awful. My little ones were sick Saturday and Sunday - I know that's not what started everything, but it definately was harder to deal with in my state of mind.
I just wish my moods were more stable. I feel like a different person some days, just not myself. Sunday was the worst day of all. I won't go in to it, but it was a terrible day. Monday wasn't too bad. I still didn't (and still don't) feel as good as I did last week, but not as hopeless as I did.
I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone else, but I don't know who to gauge whether I'm doing a good job. I don't have any role models. My mom was a not a good mom, and wasn't even around for most of my life. I lived never lived in a real home. The closest I ever came to living in a home with a real family was when I lived with my aunt and uncle and cousins, but they had major issues too and that was only for a couple years. It was a very abusive unhealthy enviornment, so all I learned from that is how not to treat my kids.
I constantly wonder if I'm doing a good job, if I'm doing this right. I know everyone reading this will say that every mom wonders if she's doing it right, but unless you lived my life you don't know. I don't have one single role model for motherhood, being a wife, being a friend, anything - except how to be the worst possible person at any of these things. Deep down I know I'm doing the best I can and regardless of how good I do, my kids will be fine because I am trying to do a good job and I do care. But there's a huge difference between logicallly knowing that and what the voice in my mind tells me constantly. My little voice only points out the wrong that I do, the things that I could do better. It never gives me a pat on the back for a job well done. The couple days I wrote in my blog about the good things I did seemed foreign and dumb. I wish I had a mom, that's the bottom line. If I could have one wish, that's all I want is a mom to talk to and just be there for me.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Why does it seem like no one else has it hard. Like their kids always love them, husband adores them and sticking to the 'right' choices is easy. I didnt feel like that yesterday and definately not today. Wish I could skip ahead to the happy times.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I woke up in a decent mood, not great, but definately not bad either. I think that thinking positive thoughts about myself and writing them here the last couple days has helped.
So one of my major stressors has been money, or the lack of it. This morning while driving in to work I thought of 2 ways to save a good chunk of money for the family without sacrificing much. One is to carpool. I don't work in a major city, or live in a major city, so I wasn't sure if this would work out. With a little time this morning I found an existing carpool group with the perfect schedule for me. This would mean I only have to drive to work twice a week (once as a carpool driver and another time on my own - which was what I was looking for). It will save me over $200/month!!! That's very signficant for us.
Also, I'm looking in to ways to cut our cell phone and internet bill. Those are a little trickier because of contracts, but I'm hoping to figure it out.
I feel more hopeful today than I have in a few weeks. I haven't eaten the best, but I definately have stuck to my goals of 10 minutes of activity (got in 24 yesterday!) and eating atleast 2 servings of produce a day. I will update my goals for next week on Sunday, but they will only add to these so that if life gets in the way I will always have these base goals to go forward from.
What's so great about me:
1. To quote my boss today, "This email is a great example of how you excel at organizing things for our studio in a way that accommodates peoplesí interests and work priorities.
Thank you so much for being such a terrific studio coordinator for us! I donít know how we ever got along without you. "
Needless to say, I am happy to be appreciated for sure and I know that I am a hard worker - I am proud of that.
2. I am a great mom. Even though I was running late for work this morning, I took the time to do my little one's hair. Last night I read the same book many times because my 2 yr old wanted me to.
3. I am good to myself. I ate a healthy breakfast, that I enjoyed. I am drinking plenty of water today to keep my body hydrated.
4. I am a good wife. I picked up my DH's meds for his migraines yesterday, with the little kids (knowing they might throw a fit in CVS, which they did), so that I knew he would have them.
5. I am a good mom/wife/CFO to the household. I am working hard on creative ways to save money while still keeping our lives enjoyable. Cooking food they like, but also saving money and adding more produce.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
The day is early and I have made some good choices.
*I skipped Starbucks - don't need to spend money on coffee when I have free coffee at work.
*I made myself plain oatmeal w/ Pecans, cinnamon and stevia.
*Wore my favorite summer time shirt to work today and I feel great in it.
*Last night I made a great veggie soup with orzo pasta and white beans. I was trying to make a Minestrone, but ended up with a great veggie soup instead. It has fresh green beans, zucchini, carrots, and spinach. Yummy and healthy. My husband even liked it. :) I brought some for lunch.
I am really proud of myself for getting my 10 minutes of activity in yesterday. I'm not sure why I didn't start this sooner, it felt really good. Even though I didn't get up early today to do 10 minutes, I know I will have plenty of opportunities to do it still. I will go for a 10 minute walk later this morning while it's cool outside, and I also will do 10 minutes of some calisthenics tonight after my little ones go to sleep. Might try to do some time on the Wii dancing with my 3 yr old. She loves it and we haven't turned it on in a while. I don't have to cook dinner tonight, it's DH's turn, so I will have more time for that.
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