Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Yesterday in therapy my dr. pointed out something that I'm super aware of, that I beat myself up and don't give myself credit for anything. I've known that for a long time, and knowing it hasn't proved helpful in changing it. I was just sitting here thinking about why even though I'm aware of what I do, why it doesn't change. I haven't actively tried to change it. There have been days, few and far between, where I notive something great I did or appreciate myself. I've never tried to do it on purpose though.
I want to change, I hate feeling like a failure in my own mind. I think the 'fake it till you make' it line has some truth. I will write atleast 1 positive thing that I've done everyday here in my blog. It could be from any part of my life because basically I've convinced myself that I've failed in everything I do, I always see what I could've done better. No more. I am good enough now.
1. I am a good mom. This morning I made my 3 yr. put her sweater on even though she didn't want to because it was a little cold outside. I gave both my 2 little ones hugs this morning and told them I loved them when I dropped them off at daycare. I'm taking my oldest to a dr. appointment today.
2. I am a good employee. I got to work on time. I walked through and did all my morning duties.
3. I am a good wife. I made my husband a doctors appointment yesterday because I'm worried about his health (migraines). I point out the tough things that we don't want to talk about because I want our family to get better.
4. I love myself and I am good to my body. I drank a cup of water when I woke up. I ate a hearty egg breakfast sandwhich so I wouldn't be hungry. I put on comfortable clothes that fit. I will see the good in my character and actions because I am a good person who deserves love, support and care.
** I'll come back and add more as I think of them.
Monday, July 18, 2011
Seems like the harder I try to stick to an eating plan lately the worse I do. The more I count calories the faster I go over. I haven't worked out in over a week, maybe 2 now. The first 5 days were due to being sick. Now it's just due to excuses. My life is just so stressful right now and chaotic. I want to fix it but the solutions are either not possible or not possible without causing other problems. I just want to cry or scream at any given moment. I know that eating poorly and not exercising are definately contributing to my feelings of anxiety, but every time I try to do better I just seem to feel worse.
I don't want to put goals down 'on paper' because I know I'll fail. What I'm working on is getting in more produce. Atleast for every bit of fruit/veggies I do eat there's some candy or other junk that I'm not eating. I'm not going to be tracking for a while. I just need a break from obsessing. I could spend hours on the computer obsessing about what I ate and what I should eat. It's taking up so much time I should be working, cleaning my house, spending time with my kids or doing something for myself. I know exactly what I should eat, how much and why. It's not that I need to know what I'm doing, I need to know the why.
Exercise . . . well . . . I can't say. I want to run so bad. My normal routine is to use the gym near my job but I just found out Friday that I can no longer use it for free (and I can't afford to pay). I have the equipment at home to run or do free weights - I just need to find the motivation. We will see tonight. If we can get the kids to bed on time then there's a good chance.
I would like to get up like 10 - 15 minutes early in the morning to do a little but the caffeine and sugar have been making it really hard to get up in the morning. I've created a self-defeating cycle. I really wish I had a reboot button that I could push and I would magically not want coffee or sweets and could start fresh.
Ugh. I just want to not have this empty-ish feeling, feeling like I failed everyone go away. I know I haven't, logically, but that's how I feel deep down.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I have made many poor food choices the last few days. From buying a package of chips ahoy this weekend, to buying 2 donuts this morning. I know that food in and of itself is not bad, but the reasons I ate were. I ate because I was frustrated, sad, angry, feeling lost and just over myself. I am so fed-up with my poor choices in life. I have made the same mistakes with money for as long as I can remember (spending impulsively and not sticking to my budget). Not that long ago when I made these mistakes I could recover pretty quickly, but now I can't since my husband is unemployed and we have more mouths to feed.
We had a pretty big crisis last week because of my poor decisions with money lately and I just ate to sooth myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to deal with them head on, but I dont know how.
I'm finally seeing a therapist and I hope she can help. It just feels like I need more help though. I need a money nanny (like the super nanny that helps with kids). I need someone to come in and take my debit card and keep it until I learn my lesson. :) I know that's not going to happen. I've thought about going cash only, and keeping seperate envelopes for each budget item, but I am so scared that I might lose some and then we'd be in worse shape.
There are other things that are stressing me out that are not my fault and I can't control, but none the less I keep eating them away. I know the junk I'm eating and lack of exercise are only making it worse. I need to get out of this downward spiral quick.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
OMG, I had the best workout today in the past 6 months. It was awesome.
I used to do the 30 Day Shred (Jillian Michaels) and love how she sets her circuits up to keep your heart rate up while strength training. My current schedule doesn't allow me to do her videos anymore, so I moved back to free weights (love, love free weights too). I started getting bored really quickly a couple weeks ago and decided to come up with my own circuits that I can do at home and at the gym. They've been great - they definately keep me sweating and excited to be working out.
Todays was the best yet. I started out with legs and shoulders. I did step up's with alternating lateral raises and shoulder presses. That was a killer, mostly because I am not that coordinated so remembering which leg is next plus which shoulder exercise is with it took mental power. I did that in a mini circuit with walking DB lunges. By the time I finished 3 sets of each my legs were wiped out. I kept my heart rate up around 165 - 177 the whole time.
Then I did abs. I did a mini circuit with back extensions with a plate and leg raises on the roman chair. I love leg raises, I feel more powerful when I do those versus crunches.
The last mini circuit was upper body. I did 3 sets each of: DB chest presses, BB bent over rows, DB flys, DB curls and tricep extensions. The DB chest presses were a big change, I had been doing push ups quite a bit. I definately felt the burn in my chest with those.
I'm really excited for my next strength circuit, which is Friday.
Eating has been really good today.
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