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What's so great about me

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Yesterday in therapy my dr. pointed out something that I'm super aware of, that I beat myself up and don't give myself credit for anything. I've known that for a long time, and knowing it hasn't proved helpful in changing it. I was just sitting here thinking about why even though I'm aware of what I do, why it doesn't change. I haven't actively tried to change it. There have been days, few and far between, where I notive something great I did or appreciate myself. I've never tried to do it on purpose though.

I want to change, I hate feeling like a failure in my own mind. I think the 'fake it till you make' it line has some truth. I will write atleast 1 positive thing that I've done everyday here in my blog. It could be from any part of my life because basically I've convinced myself that I've failed in everything I do, I always see what I could've done better. No more. I am good enough now.

1. I am a good mom. This morning I made my 3 yr. put her sweater on even though she didn't want to because it was a little cold outside. I gave both my 2 little ones hugs this morning and told them I loved them when I dropped them off at daycare. I'm taking my oldest to a dr. appointment today.

2. I am a good employee. I got to work on time. I walked through and did all my morning duties.

3. I am a good wife. I made my husband a doctors appointment yesterday because I'm worried about his health (migraines). I point out the tough things that we don't want to talk about because I want our family to get better.

4. I love myself and I am good to my body. I drank a cup of water when I woke up. I ate a hearty egg breakfast sandwhich so I wouldn't be hungry. I put on comfortable clothes that fit. I will see the good in my character and actions because I am a good person who deserves love, support and care.

** I'll come back and add more as I think of them.


Feeling outta control in more ways than one

Monday, July 18, 2011

Seems like the harder I try to stick to an eating plan lately the worse I do. The more I count calories the faster I go over. I haven't worked out in over a week, maybe 2 now. The first 5 days were due to being sick. Now it's just due to excuses. My life is just so stressful right now and chaotic. I want to fix it but the solutions are either not possible or not possible without causing other problems. I just want to cry or scream at any given moment. I know that eating poorly and not exercising are definately contributing to my feelings of anxiety, but every time I try to do better I just seem to feel worse.

I don't want to put goals down 'on paper' because I know I'll fail. What I'm working on is getting in more produce. Atleast for every bit of fruit/veggies I do eat there's some candy or other junk that I'm not eating. I'm not going to be tracking for a while. I just need a break from obsessing. I could spend hours on the computer obsessing about what I ate and what I should eat. It's taking up so much time I should be working, cleaning my house, spending time with my kids or doing something for myself. I know exactly what I should eat, how much and why. It's not that I need to know what I'm doing, I need to know the why.

Exercise . . . well . . . I can't say. I want to run so bad. My normal routine is to use the gym near my job but I just found out Friday that I can no longer use it for free (and I can't afford to pay). I have the equipment at home to run or do free weights - I just need to find the motivation. We will see tonight. If we can get the kids to bed on time then there's a good chance.

I would like to get up like 10 - 15 minutes early in the morning to do a little but the caffeine and sugar have been making it really hard to get up in the morning. I've created a self-defeating cycle. I really wish I had a reboot button that I could push and I would magically not want coffee or sweets and could start fresh.

Ugh. I just want to not have this empty-ish feeling, feeling like I failed everyone go away. I know I haven't, logically, but that's how I feel deep down.


Feeling better today - talking about Fastbreak goals

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I'm feeling a little more level headed and normal today. I woke up so tired and just could not open my eyes. It reminded me why I would like to give up the sugar/junk food habit. Those foods always leave me feeling so lethargic the next morning.

I spent some time last night prepping food for today. I'm glad to because today is a day that if I hadn't, I would've probably eaten fast food for lunch. We were running late getting out the door this morning - my 2 yr old wasn't feeling good. I think he's got the cold I had last week.

Last night I made a vegetable chickpea curry stew that I've made several times before. I got the recipe from Cooking Light (it is awesome!!!!)
It tastes great and is really good for you. There's at least 2 vegetable servings in each serving plus it's very satisfying.

I also washed some strawberries to eat with my oatmeal this morning.

I restarted my Spark program a few days ago and set new Fastbreak goals. They are:

1. Eat 2 fruit or vegetable servings per day
2. Get 10 minutes of exercise per day
3. Write in journal (or online blog) 3x week

I really needed to get my base back. I never really kept up the original Fastbreaks I set a while ago. I thought they were too simple and there was no reason to really track them. I am rereading The Spark book also, and I want to do this right this time. I will stay in stage 1 until I can get 2 weeks straight of these Fastbreaks completed.

The first one is really good because I noticed last week that when I start a meal with at least 1 serving of fruit or vegetable (more so with 2 servings) that I am satisfied more quickly and stay satisfied longer. I think it's the fiber. On the days that I got in 30 or more grams of fiber I was as hungry throughout the day. I'm hoping to get in at least 1 serving with each meal, but 2 is definitely better than none.

The exercise part hasn't been as easy lately. I am trying to get myself out of the all or nothing mentality. Luckily this week at work I have a lot of manual labor to do, so I am counting that towards my exercise time.

I want to look back at this post in a couple weeks and see that I completed these goals and that I'm feeling in control of my choices. Even if the choices are just to do these goals each day/week.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CRAZYGAGRANNY 7/18/2011 3:02PM

    I missed this blog the other day!!! I sure hope you will come and check out our new and improved Healthier Temptations Team...we have new threads and lots of ideas on healthier ideas on breaking these sugar cravings....
Hope to see you soon my friend!

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SUNRIZING 7/13/2011 12:57PM

    This is really great! You are truly doing well. It may seem like these things are small BUT THEY ARN'T! This is YOU starting down a GOOD path! This is where it all begins. You CAN do this, bit by bit, a little here and a little there- I believe in you b/c I can hear the desire in the tone of your writing! You remind me of myself just 6 months ago! Ive lost about 35 lbs and have changed EVERYTHING! My eating habits, my routines, my FOCUS- everything. You can too. Im not going to say that "anyone" can, b/c thats just not true. Only people with the fire, the desire- not just for themselves but for their loved one too- can really have the determination and focus to change, really change. And I think you have that ability in you. I think that b/c you let it shine through what you are saying here. I really do sense a deep desire in you to reach your goals. I think sometimes we just need to hear, to know, that someone ELSE sees that in us as well.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and listening to mine too. Keep hanging in there and dont give your power away. You have the power, you have the control- unless YOU hand it to some one or something else. You are the land-lord over your own life. Never forget that.

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Let me just get this out, then I will move on

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I have made many poor food choices the last few days. From buying a package of chips ahoy this weekend, to buying 2 donuts this morning. I know that food in and of itself is not bad, but the reasons I ate were. I ate because I was frustrated, sad, angry, feeling lost and just over myself. I am so fed-up with my poor choices in life. I have made the same mistakes with money for as long as I can remember (spending impulsively and not sticking to my budget). Not that long ago when I made these mistakes I could recover pretty quickly, but now I can't since my husband is unemployed and we have more mouths to feed.

We had a pretty big crisis last week because of my poor decisions with money lately and I just ate to sooth myself. I don't want to do that anymore. I want to deal with them head on, but I dont know how.

I'm finally seeing a therapist and I hope she can help. It just feels like I need more help though. I need a money nanny (like the super nanny that helps with kids). I need someone to come in and take my debit card and keep it until I learn my lesson. :) I know that's not going to happen. I've thought about going cash only, and keeping seperate envelopes for each budget item, but I am so scared that I might lose some and then we'd be in worse shape.

There are other things that are stressing me out that are not my fault and I can't control, but none the less I keep eating them away. I know the junk I'm eating and lack of exercise are only making it worse. I need to get out of this downward spiral quick.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUNRIZING 7/13/2011 12:48PM

    I actually feel like I understand what you mean... With my problems I have made terrible choices with the families finances myself. But my husband forgives me and we are working on it together. Just hang in there, it will get better. I gave my husband my debit card, lol. I know it may seem drastic but I do what I must to stay on course. Dont give up. You are heading the right direction by just writing this.

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SUGARSMOM2 7/12/2011 12:27PM

  ok that is a plan . Separate envelopes for money to pay for varied payments . my mom used this to control her spending . It worked for her ... I would love to have a money fairy . one that helped me control my spending habits . alas one does not have such a being . mind control is hard to do when we are worried about other things . you are not alone in your drama . you have many of us in the same boat . stop and ask yourself if you really need that object you are about to eat or buy . can it wait" and why are you eating .. fill a need ... hungry or empty inside . hungry eat then empty then don`t eat. study what you are upset about .. feel left out or alone . bored .. good luck . we re here to try to help .

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My Kick Ass workout!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

OMG, I had the best workout today in the past 6 months. It was awesome.

I used to do the 30 Day Shred (Jillian Michaels) and love how she sets her circuits up to keep your heart rate up while strength training. My current schedule doesn't allow me to do her videos anymore, so I moved back to free weights (love, love free weights too). I started getting bored really quickly a couple weeks ago and decided to come up with my own circuits that I can do at home and at the gym. They've been great - they definately keep me sweating and excited to be working out.

Todays was the best yet. I started out with legs and shoulders. I did step up's with alternating lateral raises and shoulder presses. That was a killer, mostly because I am not that coordinated so remembering which leg is next plus which shoulder exercise is with it took mental power. I did that in a mini circuit with walking DB lunges. By the time I finished 3 sets of each my legs were wiped out. I kept my heart rate up around 165 - 177 the whole time.

Then I did abs. I did a mini circuit with back extensions with a plate and leg raises on the roman chair. I love leg raises, I feel more powerful when I do those versus crunches.

The last mini circuit was upper body. I did 3 sets each of: DB chest presses, BB bent over rows, DB flys, DB curls and tricep extensions. The DB chest presses were a big change, I had been doing push ups quite a bit. I definately felt the burn in my chest with those.

I'm really excited for my next strength circuit, which is Friday.

Eating has been really good today.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLBRANTLEY 6/29/2011 4:06PM

    Sounds like a great plan! Keep up the good work! emoticon

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