Where I've been, where I am and where I'm going

Saturday, October 01, 2011

So it's definitely been a while. . . I've been away from spark for months now. I think my last blog was in May or something. It's been quite a while.

At first I got away because I was letting all the little things get to me. Other people were celebrating success (as well they should be) and instead of feeling like I was part of everyone's success and succeeding along with them, I was feeling like everyone was succeeding but me. And I needed to get away from that mindset because it was helpful or encouraging for my friends and it wasn't helping me. So I got away from it all and starting trying to do things on my own.

And then every time I started to get back to it, life got in the way. I got busy and I didn't make the time.

Normally, I feel like this would be the point where I would admit defeat without having sparkpeople around. But the truth is, I've done just fine without it. It hasn't been nearly as much fun, but I've done a lot. . . . here's where I've been for the last few months:

I finally reached my original goal weight of 135lbs in June. And I've been more or less maintaining since then. I've actually been at about 130lbs for a month or so but creeping back up in the past few weeks. I've realized that not only can I be 135 lbs but I can be 135lbs and eat pretty normally and be happy and satisfied. . . I never knew this was possible when I was heavier.

I also completed my new years resolution of running 4 races. I've run a 5k, a 6 miler, a 10k and a half marathon. Yes, that's right, I ran a half marathon! In 2:20!! It was something I had always wanted to do but something I never really thought I'd be capable of doing. . . it turns out, I'm perfectly capable. I absolutely loved it. I loved the training, the run itself and I felt great afterwards. I'm definitely not planning to run a marathon. . . I just don't have the motivation to do it. But I definitely plan on running another half in the spring. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my endurance up until then.

In other news, I'm still unemployed and losing my mind that I can't find a job, my little man turned 3 over the summer and started school a few weeks ago (I can't believe he's in school!!!), and I just got back from a family vacation at Disney World.

I came back to spark now because I realize that while I have it in me to lead a healthy lifestyle on my own, it isn't nearly as fun. I enjoy (and missed) the encouragement and community of sparkpeople and sending out some encouragement myself! The challenges of maintenance are becoming very clear and I need to be sure that I find ways to keep challenging myself and changing things up.

Right now, I'm looking forward to my cousin's wedding in Siesta Key at the beginning of November and I'm trying to come up with a plan for the next month to start toning and keep running.

I hope that everyone has been well. . . from what I've seen tonight from pages, it looks like everyone is finding much success! Way to go Spark friends! I hope to start re-connecting with everyone and getting back into challenges soon! Have a great weekend, all!

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It's been a while since I blogged. . . but I'm still here.

Friday, May 20, 2011

It's been almost 2 months since I last blogged. And honestly, I have been a little MIA on spark. I've been logging in pretty consistently but life has gotten "in the way" a little and I just haven't had as much time to spend on spark. I've still been eating pretty darn well and my exercising has been consistent. I've been a little in limbo. I've maintained my weight within a couple of pounds. I've been trying to stay within the 135-140 range. This week however, I've started to realize that maybe I do want a bit more before I "settle" into maintenance. . . . we'll see. I'm going to let the idea play around in my head a little before committing to anything. Sometimes I think I tend to jump into new goals a little too quickly. I'll keep you posted.

This past week, I went to Denver to see my family and ultimately celebrate my brother's graduation. It was really great. I love my brother. We're very close. And getting to see him (finally) graduate was awesome. He was so happy and I was so proud. When I realized that he was definitely graduating, I decided to make it a week long trip (since I'm unemployed and no one will hire me) to spend some time with my family. My sister has just started to embark on a healthy lifestyle journey and since I was going to be in town for a little while, I checked into area 5ks while I was in town. Wouldn't you know there was one right down the street from my parents house. So I signed us up. . . with my Dad too who used to be a big time runner. My sister has been following a training plan but still wasn't up to running more than a mile or so. We had planned on walking and running in intervals. . . whatever made he comfortable. Imagine my surprise when she not only ran the whole thing but we finished in 31:30. . . .awesome! I was so proud of her (and my dad for that matter). It was great to do something like this together so I could share my passion for running with my family. Now I just need to pick another one to do soon. :) I'm trying to convince my husband that he should register for one with me. . . we'll see how that goes.

I basically wanted to write a quick blog to say that I'm still here. . . and I'm still trucking along. I'm working to figure out what I want next. . . what goals I want to work towards and what things I want to do with the new healthy me. I'm making a definite effort to get back on spark and get more involved again. Keeping up with my spark friends and reading blogs has always kept me going and I need to get back in the habit. They'll be more to come from me soon, friends! I hope everyone has a great weekend!

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How do you become the new you?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I've had a really bad week so far. So please excuse my whining and my semi-hopeless, "please help me" attitude. I really am not usually this person. . . I am usually much more optimistic. But I just feel like I need to vent a little and I do need some help from my spark friends and teams.

For the last two weeks, I've been lingering right over 140 pounds. On any given day, I'm as high as 143 or as low as 140. And I've been thinking that I might be done losing weight. I'm within my healthy BMI range, I feel so much healthier and I'm just not sure I feel any major pressure or push to be 135lbs. If it happens, great. If not, I think that's ok too. I think I need to tone up some areas still but weight wise, I feel pretty good. Also, I'm realizing that I need to adjust my eating and exercising habits because they're just not working for me. The truth of the matter is, I know how to lose weight and I know I can do it. But I usually go about it by focusing on eating toward the minimum of my calorie range and exercising all the time. . . . sometimes for an hour or more 6-7 days a week. And for me, that's not realistic. I need to find something that works with my schedule and doesn't make me feel so drained by the end of the week that I completely lose motivation.

So here's my new exercising dilemma (or exercise excuses). I was used to working out during my 2 year old's nap time but he's suddenly decided not to take consistent naps and sometimes I just can't make it work. So then I started getting up early to workout in the morning. But I'm not a great early morning workout person. I hate working out on an empty stomach and I'm just not willing to get up even earlier to eat (it's the honest truth). And even worse, little man has started getting up at 6:30 for the last week. . . and really, I just can't get up at 5:30 to work out . . . it just makes me so tired all day. And evening work outs are a challenge as well. . . it's my only time with my husband so I try to give him my full attention. He works crazy hours and I hate being busy when he is actually home. And I know it's a whole bunch of excuses. But all of the sudden I feel like I can't find the time to get a whole hour in even if I wanted to. Some of my "lack of time" has been because the weather has been so nice and I've been at park or hiking in the woods with my little guy. . . so still some exercise, but not enough. I need to find a way to make exercise fit into my life instead of making my life about exercise. But my problem is that doing something like walking with my little guy in the stroller for 40 min isn't "up to par" with my prior workouts. It's not running and it's not strength training and it's not burning 400 calories. I feel like because I pushed myself so hard while I was losing weight, I can't now decide that I want to just walk as my form of exercise. . . it doesn't work that way. I'm supposed to be pushing myself further and taking on new challenges. . . and the only new challenge I want is to not feel like I have to run for an hour six days a week to maintain "me". I want to feel like a normal, fit, healthy person. I need to figure out how to make this work for the long run.

Today the scale said 144. I shouldn't be surprised. . . and in fact, I wasn't. I haven't eaten great this week and so I'm sure some of it is water/salt weight. But I also think it could be because I've only been walking and doing short runs for the last two weeks because it's what's worked for me. . . so of course the weight is just going to creep back up, right? I just want to be able to enjoy being the new skinnier me. I bought capri pants yesterday and comfortable fit into a size 6. And it feels awesome but I'm so afraid that I'm suddenly going to be squeezing into a size 14 again if I don't workout like a crazy person that I'm getting stuck. I don't want to be so afraid of becoming the old me again that I can't make the change to maintenance. I also don't want to be so afraid that I start to sabotage myself or over-extend myself to the point that I do start to gain weight again or that I am just exhausted.

I about to turn 28. . . . I need to be able to maintain this for many, many, many years. . . not just until I wear a bathing suit this summer. How do all you maintainers make this adjustment?? How do you become the new you instead of striving to become something better or someone skinnier?

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Yeah, I'm struggling. . . so what?

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

So, the fact of the matter is that I'm struggling. Ever since I left for Denver and then came home, I have not been consistent with eating or exercise. I know this. I know I've eaten really crappy things and skipped work outs when I should have gotten up and gotten it done. I am 100% aware of what I'm doing and yet I'm still doing it. Isn't self-sabotage a beautiful thing?!?!? But the thing is, I'm not writing this blog to get a pep talk from my spark friends. I know what I need to do. I'm writing it because I need to be accountable to myself and I need to come to terms "on paper" with some of the real reasons my self-sabotage is taking place.

My downward spiral began with my trip to Denver. It was fun, don't get me wrong. . . and wonderful to see my parents. And the fundraiser for my Dad's hospital was amazing!!!! But I fought with my sister ALLLLLLLLLL week and found myself frustrated that no one really noticed I was looking skinnier or more toned or that I was wearing a size 4 dress. And then I started thinking, well really who cares?? If I look good and feel confident, why does it matter what size I'm wearing or if anyone notices how much I weigh? Why am I obsessing over wanting people to be proud of me for being skinny? My mom had told me at Christmas that I looked great and that she was hoping to get down to my weight soon. At Christmas I was right around 148-150 pounds. But that weight wasn't good enough for me. And my husband has told me countless times that I don't need to lose any more weight and I look great just how I am now. . . and that was easily 5 pounds ago. And yet something inside me keeps telling me it's not good enough. I keep going back to the stupid BMI scale that tells me for my height, I could be 120 pounds and still be in the healthy range. 135 lbs is right near the middle of the healthy range for me so that's why I picked it. It has no meaning to me. Which then makes me wonder why I can't just be happy where I am. . . I'm much healthier than I was at 185lbs and I in the normal weight range. So when is enough, enough?? When can I finally stop stressing about how many pounds I can lose in a week and just start living my healthy lifestyle?

In some ways I know that I'm happier now than I was at my heaviest. I can keep up with my little guy, I feel more confident in clothes, and I just feel healthier. But part of me feels that as I've lost weight, I've become more critical with myself and it drives me crazy. When I was heavier, I knew I needed to lose weight but I was able to get dressed in the morning without analyzing every aspect of my body. I can distinctly remember when I was first able to fit in size 12 pants. I actually thought I looked so much better and really thought to myself, what's so bad about size 12, I look good now. But now I can't look in the mirror without seeing where I still need to tone up and lose more weight. And it's all driven by these arbitrary numbers. So then I'll start to think well maybe I can just stop stressing about it and just live without all the analyzing and the numbers. But that thought is almost debilitating to me. What happens when I'm not focused on the numbers and on the losing weight? What if I start to eat too many calories and I don't realize it or what if I don't burn enough calories in the week to lose or even maintain. . . it's like a slippery slope. I'm almost dependent on the numbers and I don't think I like that very much. I need to come to terms with myself and decide why I want to continue losing weight. . . and if I can't come up with a good reason then maybe it is time for maintenance. I also need to stop getting down on myself and start loving this new, skinnier me. Enough already, it's almost shorts and bathing suit season!!! I'm clearly still a work in progress.

I've been trying to figure out what to do for this past week and in the process have stayed away from spark a little. So I'm sorry to all my spark friends and my spark teams if I let anyone down this week. . . I'm promise to start doing better. But the truth is, I just feel like I'm letting myself down by not reaching some number that I'm not really sure I need to reach. (Does that even make sense???) I'm still working out where I need to go from here. . . with Lent beginning tomorrow I'm hoping to find some guidance in this season of meditation and fasting. I keep thinking maybe I should give up the scale for Lent. . .or give up my crazy workout schedule and just go back to running with the occasional ST thrown in. . . we'll see. I just need to get back to doing this for good reasons instead of doing this for Mr. BMI (who came up with that stupid scale anyway??!). Here's hoping everyone is having a wonderful Fat Tuesday. . . but not eating too many fattening foods! :)

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Shoveling heavy snow leads to sore muscles.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Yesterday I was going to take the day off of exercising. I had worked out hard all week and I just felt like I needed a physical rest day. That was until I realized that I needed to shovel the snow we got. Granted it was only about 4 inches or so but it was the heavy, wet kind of snow. I was sweating, my muscles burned and today my shoulders are feeling it. It was kinda nice to get in an inadvertent workout! :) But today I could definitely use a massage. . . do you think I could teach my 2 year old how to massage mommy's back?!?!?

My husband, son and I are leaving tomorrow to head to Denver for the next week. I'm really looking forward to seeing my family and having some down time with my husband as well. The big fundraiser for my Dad's hospital is on Thursday night and I'm excited to have the opportunity to dress up and get out without the little guy. I finally picked a dress this week. I've found that since I've lost a lot of weight, I really have a hard time shopping. I think now I'm overly picky about things. I start to find the most ridiculous flaws in myself when trying on clothes and it just becomes a frustrating process for me. I'm definitely going to need to work on this because once the weather gets warmer, I will need new clothes. My husband pretty much made the decision on the dress for me. I'm afraid I'm not self-confident enough to pull it off but oh well. It's time to rock the dress and enjoy my new skinnier body. The dress I bought is a size 4. That's right, a size 4. I have no idea how I fit into it, I really don't. I'm not a size 4. But amazingly it fits. I'll make sure to take some pictures so I can share with everyone. My husband says you can't complain about any body flaws when you're in a size 4 dress. . . so I'm trying to keep that in mind as I keep trying it on again and again to reassure myself that it does, in fact, fit. In order to help myself maintain/lose the last couple of pounds, I'm committing myself to wear this same dress to my friend's wedding in July. By telling myself that I'm not allowed to buy a different dress, I know I won't gain any weight or it won't fit.

This week I've been really stressed about heading to Denver. My sister and I have a. . . . sisterly relationship. We love each other but sometimes we just do not get along. This has been one of those weeks. She's been making all sorts of nasty comments about how I must be trying on size 6's and how nice that must be. It's irritating. She's been talking about getting a gym membership and losing weight since October and she has yet to do. I used to encourage her all the time and make suggestions on exercises or checking out SP but now she's just mean about it. I know part of it is that she's mad at herself for not doing what she keeps saying she should do but it doesn't make me feel any better when she makes nasty comments about me losing weight or eating healthier. I'm just afraid we're not going to get along so well while I'm in town. Hopefully having my husband and little guy there will provide a nice buffer. I've been stressing out all week about how to talk to her but at this point, I've decided I just need to let it go. I can't control her choices and her comments. . . but I can control my own. I'm just going to keep doing what I do and hopefully she'll realize she's not having the effect on me that she wants and let it go.

On the other hand, I'm excited to see my parents and work out with my mom. . . she's an avid exerciser so she always helps keep me on track while I stay with her. I may not be able to get on spark as much this week because they have super slow internet but hopefully I'll be able to check in. If not, I hope you all have a wonderful week and I'll be sure to post updates and pictures as soon as I get back. For now, I need to get back to packing and cleaning up the house (I hate coming home to a messy house). Thanks for being so wonderful this week, spark friends. Your encouragement after my last blog has made a real difference and helped me stay on track all week!

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