Monday, August 13, 2012
I have been workout gor for 3 months now, loosing the weight slowly but am loosing it. But my knee is started to really hold me back. I have had 8 knee surgerys, 6 scopes, 1 proxal/ distal realigment and one hardware removal and still the pain is so bad. I have a Friend that thinks my knee doc should just do something some how just fix it. I have a appointment this week to see him. But it really hit me when I was trying to explain to her why he can't just fix it. Because after every one of my surgerys he told me to loose weight and I did nothing and now my knee is gone, I have no cartilage at all and I am only 38 and I need a total knee done. But he warned me, oh so many times he warned me and now that I am really trying to loose the weight so I can get to the 180 lb mark where doing a total knee will be so much better, now I am having to skip walks and ork out because I can put any weight on my left side because of the swelling and pain. I was wishing if I see him this week he could just get me a new brace. But I know now tht would work less than a band aid. I have been using a leeve brace and another brace just to walk and every day I am able to walk less and less. And I ave done this too my self. My friend just doesn't get it. Doc can't just fix it any more because he has done all he can. Because I have not done everything I can. I didn't loise the weight after each surgery, even after I left his office in tears, thinking why is he so mean to me hy doesn't he like me. But the truth is. He told me the truth and I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to do anything to help my self. He told me a year go loose the weight I will try a partial knee. But I didn't do anything. I used the pain as a excuse to do nothing. Now I m really trying and the pain I am in just to get up to go to the bathroom is so much more than I have ever had.. My knee is twice the size as it should be, icing it does nothing and now I understand what he has been telling me. He has done all he can now it is up to me. It was up to me 12 years ago when I was able to work and bring home a paycheck. When I should have done something. I get it now. I own what I have done and no I m scared of what he will say when I see him wensday, best case he does another scope to get the fliud off my knee and get me fitted for a brace. Second best. Brace so I have som support o continue hat I am trying to do now. Both if I can convince him how hard I have been working and how hard I will keep working. If I can convince him to help I will own what I have done and show him my progress every month or have a report sent to him that I am doing it. Or. He can't do anything and I am not sure how much longer I can go on this knee. I know at my weight the theraphy for a partial or total knee replacement will be harder than I have ever had, the pain the worst or to the point I can't walk without a cane or other help. I own that I have gained the weight I own that I didn't listen to him and help myself while he was trying to help. I just hope I still have a chance. If a scope and knee brace is a option this time I won't waste the chance. I will loose the 60 lbs. I need for the knee replacement I just hope I still have a chance to get there so I am so much healthyer to have such a Surgery. I know if I do have this last option for a scope and brace to help with the pain I wont waste it this time. At 180 lbs I will know I can do the surgery for replacment and the intense theraphy because I am willing to do everything I can to loose that last 60 lb to get there and if I can do that I can finish this..get to a healthy weight a new knee and the knowlage and stregth and self love to stay that way.. I know now I love my self and i am worth love. But I will find out wensday if I have one more chance to loose the weight. Before the knee replacment or if I have lost it. Either way I know now. It is up to me to do it like I should have
Thursday, August 02, 2012
I have had can't in my vocabulary for so long, I can't do X I can't do that I can't I can't I can't. Every day I have said I can't about so many things. But I have told my kids can't just means you just don't want to and that if they say I can't then they will never know if they can. But I never followed my own advice because ever day I said the same thing. I can't! One simple word that can be so damaging. I nstead of telling my self the flat out truth, that I just did not want to do it I said I can't. I have convinced my self for so long that I just can't walk, I cant go run around with my kids. I can't go do X today because I can't.
I am trying to not say Can't for a whole day that can't is as bad as a curse word. I don't say can't now I say I might not be able to fully do that today but soon I will. Every day I am getting stronger, every day I am getting healthyer. 4 months ago I would have said I can't walk the mile at the track. My back and knees Can't to that. But the truth was I have become to comfortable not do anything. Laying in my room reading a book a day, playing on the laptop. Watching the world go by becasue I said I can't.
But I know now that I can, every day I am putting more verbs in my activitys. I still get to read every day but it is actually more enjoyable after a workout or walk. That one word holds so much power over you if you let it. Because while you are telling your self I can't life is still going on without you and you have to decide if you are going to continue missing out on the good part pr even the bad parts of life just because you hace convinced your self you can't? Or are you going to say no more Can't I am going to DO! Can't can hold you back from so much in life so much you are missing.
While I was walking last night I saw a beautiful moon in the sky and I thought if I was at home sitting in my room closed off from the world I would not have seen such a beautiful sky. From now on in my life I am going to DO. Can't is no longer a word I will say even though it is so much more easyer to just say I can't. I am DOing because I can. I have told my self even through the pain that I can do it. I have been so proud of my self, I have pasted so many goals now that I know I can do anything I put my mind to. I no longer live by Can't, I am living by I can. I have taken Can't out of my volabulary. If I feel a can't coming on I am stop and think instead of can't what small steps can I do to turn can't into I did? It might take me a few extra steps or a little longer than I thought but I got past it.
CAN'T is no longer holding me back from life!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
As far back as I can remember I hated my picture taken, when I was young I didnt like it, I also found something wrong with how I looked, Stupid look, bad hair, crooked teeth what ever. I am sure it did not help that I had the type of mother that did every diet, did everything she could do to stay thin and made a point to tell me all the time. Dont eat that you will get fat, look how tight those clothes are getting, stopping eating so much I dont have the money to buy you bigger clothes. But I was a skinny kid, I look back at pics when I was little and I was actually very little. Till I hit puberty that was it, it seemed like over nite I had grow put a little weight on and OMG the boobs. My mother use to tell me I must have a jersey cow on my side of my family cause I had big breasts from when I was a pre-teen. Did not help that i startee to grwo in places at a around 9-10 years old. I looked back at my childhood pics and I hated them in every one of them I can find at least 5 things wrong with me, It certainly did not help that my mother was my biggest critic. I knew from a very young age I was not the daughter my mother had wanted. When I was a teen I would bnever get my picture taken with my friends and now I can look back and have maybe a handfull of them that somehow someone had snuck in. Now I am gald I have them but to think a teenager wouldnt get her picutre took with her friends is sad. But the thing is I was bigger than my mother had wanted but I was not fat. When I had my sone at 18 I was size 9, I would give anything to be even half that now LOL I wasnt a big girl when I was a teen, I was not the skinnest but I wasnt fat. i grew up on a farm, riding horses beig very active I was alot of muscle with curves But not over weight, But in my mother's eye I huge. Growing up I saw my mother eat nothing but coffee for over a week at a time. She taught me that if you drink hot water you fill fuller and don't want to eat. I have seen her starve her self so she could always fit into my dad's wrangler jeans. But my dad is closr to 5'10 and He has never weighted more than 128, He is tall and very very thin, his pants size is so small and tall we had to order them because it was a odd size something like 27-36. 27 inch weight no matter wahat he eats, My mother would stave her self to fit in his jeans, she would force her self into them, I would watch her put on the jeans then take a sparay bottle and wet down the weight and sides of the jeans. She said so they would stretch them out. But I also remember when she litterally peeled them off she had bruises on the front of her thigths and groin from bending and trying to move around. I remember seeing the marks and always wondered why someone would do that to them selves. I saw my mother mangle her self starve her self and for what? Now all these years leter she has heart issues and i have to wonder if any of it has to do with what she put her body through. She was also a workaholic and I remember coming home ond day after school to see my mother sitting on the porch which was weird because she had 2 jobs and worked evening and nites, she slept during the time we were at school and was gone by the time my brother and I got home. But I saw her that day sitting on the porch with a sun dress on and bandages and the biggest blisters I have ever seen. she was 28 or 29 years old and she told me she had a mini stroke, She was at work at the cafe, holding the pot of coffee when her left side went numb and the hot coffee pot hit the side of the counter and the coffee had slashed on her legs and caused 2nd to 3rd degree burns. She had been in the hospital in the town over and I had no idea. At this time is was just my brother me and my mom, she had not marryed my dad yet at this time. She was in the hospital for 2 days and I did not even know, We did not have a phone. I never knew because My mother was never home when we were she always worked the evenings and then drove to the next town over and did the nite shift at the nursing home. She was only home the time we were at school to sleep. But that is all another story.
I do wonder if my mother's freak diets have anything to do with her health now. But she told me I just dont get it because I never really put much effect in how I looked! Umm what I spent a hour every am doing my hair. I would not even go o the front porch with out my makeup and hair done and we lived in the mountains but god forbid if someone saw me with out my hair done. I never got int to the diet stuff and because I was above size 6 I was fat. In every picture i do have of my child hood even now my mother will say oh look how chubby you were. I never understood it because I was a tiny little thing untill around 11 when I started to not look like a tomboy anymore. But if it wasnt my weight it was my teeth I would not smile in any picture. Now i look at the pics and see a very sad little girl trying npot to smile and also trying to suck my gut int that I did not even had, But my mother saw it. My mother has always saw the fat on me.
I look back at my picture and I dont see many of me, my excuse? I was the one taking the pictures. Would it be really easy to ask someone else to take a few pics with me and my kids? No it wasnt easy because I could not get my pic taken. I look at the picutres I do have and I see all the faults and fat places. I wont take pics because of my weight it is one thing being over weight it is a toltally diffent thing to have to actually see it in front of you. Even after I got my teeth pulled and got my denture I still made excuses. And now it makes me very sad because I have so many pics of my pics, my walls ar covered with their baby pics and all the school pics, all the ones I have taken. But if you look around there is none of me. Have I taken my self out of our family history? Will my kids have pics to look back on when I am old and grey or no longe here? No because I dont like my pic take I have in a way earased my self, if the pic isnt there I am not fat right? But I was a good mom after all look at all the happy pics of my kids and husband? See how happy they are.
My kids love me no matter what, my husband loves me no matter what so why cant I love me no matter what? Why do I always have my mothers voice in my head every time I pass a mirror?
I dont want to hear my mother's voice any more because after 38 years i know no matter what I do I am never going to make my mother happy, I am never going to be the skinny beautiful daughter she feels she deserved. No matter what i will not live up to what she wants. I have delt with this in theraphy for a long time. And ever though I know this It still hurts that she will always find something wrong with my pictures.
I am not here for her, I am not here to finally make her happy I am here for me.
I dont want to be missing from my childrens past, I dont want to be the only one taken pictures any more. I am here because this is what I want. I am doing this to my my self healthyer. I am going to do it the right way and not get stuck in the diet trends. I have a friend that has been on some kind of diet for as lng as I have known her, 12 years, Even after she had the gastro surgery she has put the weight back on and is now again on the diet tred mill. I want to learn to do this the right way. I want this to becaome a differnt and better way to live. I dont want to just loose the weight and then put it back on, Since I have been on this site I have read so many differnt articles and learning a better way to live and be more active. I am learning the right way about fitness and nurtition. I dont want to do all this hard work just to have to do it all over again. I am here to learn what is best for me, learn how to be fit and healthy and not let my disablitys stop me any more. Something I never did before was think of differant ways to be fit and do it with my kids. I want to play tennis with my daughter, I want to be able to jog farther. These are not just wishful thinkings and I might do that thois is what I want and I will do it. I am doing this for me becaue I am more important than I ever thought I was. I deserve to be happy healthy and fit and I am going to do it and do it the right way!!
Friday, July 27, 2012
Since I have been on this new path in my life I have already learned so much about my self. In the begining I thought I know I wont do this long, I always give up on everything, just tell my doctor I just can't the pain is too much, excuse after excsue after excuse because i knew me right?
What I did not realize is I was the one underestimating me. I was my biggest crictic and my own worst enemie. I was the only one that was holding me back from get off my b utt and doing something about the one thing I have never liked about my self, I had the power to change it all this time and I am the one that has stopped me from doing anything to help me self.
Every goal I have completed, every step I have taking I have done it no one else has done it for me I have done it for my self. All the small steps I have done from the start of 5 minute walk in my driveway a few times a day, looking for a few simple workouts on youtube, finding this site, tracking my food and workouts and for the first time taking about my weight the one big thing in my life I have tryed to pretend wasnt there. I never voiced my weight, never told anyone not even my hubby how much it was. Even though he has always knows I mean he gos to all my doc appts with me and he does the laundry and sees my size but I just acted like that big white elephant in the room wasnt there, when after all this time the big white elephant in the room was ME! I have spent so much of my life feeling sorry for my self. But not willing to do anything about it. I am the reason I am the weight I am now, no one else has done it.
Now I see things different, I know all my life I have made excuses for everything in my life I dont like. I have stopped making excuses for myself. I am not holding my self back any more.
Hey you ya you,,,,,,meet me this is who I am I can do what ever I set my mind too, I have always been able too but you held me back with all the excuses you have told me over the years. If you hate parts about you then you are the only one that can change it. You tell people the same thing, What is it you told your kids when other kids picked on them/ you said " you cant control what other people do but you can control what you do" Why dont you listen to your self?? Get off your butt and do something about it,
Look at everything you have done that last few months, all the goals you have past and the new goals you set every day. This is the new me!! No more excuses because you know you can do it, I am no longer I own worst enemy I am now my own cheering section. I am proud of my self I have not given up, I have not let the pain stop me, even when I wake i nthe middle of the night crying because my back hurts os bad I cant sit up to rub my knee that is screaming at me. I have found out I am not who I thought I was I am not going to be that brakeable person that cant do anything for her self any more. It is not fair I have put so much on my kids and my hubby to do when I can do it to. I am now a new me, a stronger me, a healthyer me, and a happyer me. Thar is who I am and it has been nice to meet me again after all this time. I am back fro mthat hole I had put my self in. I have a long road ahead of me but look at al lthe steps I have made already. I can do this because I am a lot stronger than I thought I was.
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