Monday, July 30, 2012
Its all just advice. When you are searching for help, makeing a plan gaining ideas, asking opinions...its all just advice. Some advice we ask for, some unsolicited, some given with the best intentions, other not. Its important to remember we are all fighting our own individual demons. My demons are mine to own, yours are yours. Our issues may be similar but never the same. We envy others who seem to have it all figured out, but never think they too are fighting a hard battle within. Someone who has no issues with food struggles with something else (possibly gambling, relationship issues, who knowS). Its part of being human, and none of use are immune tto facing problems until we are dead, and then ....who knows.
A "friend" called me yesterday. I put friend in quotations because Im never sure where I stand with her, she is a taker. She asks for help all the time, takes whatever you offer, invites herself over, makes plans that end up costing you time/money but benefit her.....the worst part is she rarely/never reciprocates so i usually cut our conversations short to avoid having to expend the extra energy/time/money helping her or having to say no (which im getting better at. I wont post specifics at this time, its the conversation I want to focus on right now. So I answered her call (which I usually dont), and she was calling to tell me she was grateful for me. She had to take her cat back to the shelter yesterday and knows I have been through the same thing with both a cat and a dog (due to Madelynne being scared to death of the cat, and the dog lost its mind).
I posted my struggle (selectively) on FB, and we had talked about it in person also when it happened. Our dog has been gone 2 years and the cat 1 year, but she remembered my honesty with the situation, and my struggle making the tough call. She was upset that she had to make the decision, but strangely knowing I had been through it made it a little easier for her. Turning a pet into the shelter is not an easy decision but when the safety and mental health of your child are in question the choice as a parent has to be made. Other people will judge you (and I have been judged for both decisions) but in all honesty my child does and always will come first. I reminded her that it is harder to be a parent then just an adult, and we make the best decisions we can based ont he information we have at the time. Our talked turned to sleep issues with her daughter (which she knows I have been through with mine), and concerns about finding a preschool for her child that offers a scholarship to help.
I am always honored when people ask me for advice about parenting. Since my mom dies when I was 5 I feel like Im just floundering most times making choices and sculpting these tiny humans into productive polite ladies. But when someone asks me for help, I think to myself "well someone thinks you are doing something right" and it makes me struggle seem a little less. She usually takes my advice, which is equally as flatering. I left the conversation feeling very happy to have her in my life. She's the type of person you may look at and think "She's got this all figured out." Shes tall, gorgeous, fit. She owns her own business, teaches yoga, takes fantastic trips (just got back from 2 weeks in africa), dates cute guys, has a great circle of friends. But I know from many conversations with her what her demons are, and although her demons are not food related, they are there and she struggles with the every bit as much as I do with food.
Monday, July 30, 2012
I made it! It wasnt pretty, I consumed double my normal cafeinne intake plus 6 liters of water but i made it through Sunday. I used just about every tool I could think of to stay away from the food:
-Read my AA book, read a magazine (shape), read Spark blogs, reread some of my old blogs
-Took a hot bath
-Afternoon Delight with my hubby
-went for a walk
-pulled out my sewing projects (finished most of the things)
-listened to music
-finished my chores
-sat in the sunshine
-asked my husband for help (several times, which he gladely gave)
I made it. At the end of the day I felt strangely torn. I was happy to have made it through the day eating on plan (this is my rational mind), but unhappy that it would be a whole week before I would even consider allowing myself an indulgence (my addiction/irrational mind). I miss the food, its like a lover I want to keep on the side at my beckon call whenever I get the urge. And I know its there waiting for me, always waiting. I woke this morning and have already done my exercises. Im starting slow with some stretches and ST/body weight exercises. I dont want to spend an hour working out, I think it took me about 45 min.
Its Monday, time to plan a weeks worth of adventures with the girls :). Happy clean eating everyone.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
I either look forward to or dread Sundays. Since Monday feels like a fresh start its easy to make Sunday my "cheat day." But coming out of a bad month i need to maintain focus on portion and power through at least 2 weeks of clean sane eating before I even step on the scale. I know I gained weight during the past month being so out of control, but i refused to get on the scale and see what the damage actually was. Some may say "face the music," know what weigh so you know how much you need to lose and how much your binge cost you.....But for me the mental obsession of the scale just adds to the unhealthy choices I make. Getting on the scale would cause me to cut my food back so much I would starve, then I would try to workout like a mad woman, eventually I would lose control being so hungry and dealing with the mental guilt and torture and have another binge. So Im waiting til I am 2 weeks clean with healthy eating, then Ill get on the scale (maybe) and see what I am dealing with. I am already feeling better, thinking clearer, doing some journaling (which by the way if I go MIA on spark chances are I am in the food) and reading the AA book and 24hours a day book for guidance and insight. If you have not read the AA book (or at least parts of it) I highly suggest you pick up a copy. Addiction is addiction in my opinion and I simply replace their alcohol/alcoholic verbage with food related terms.
So its sunday, Im eating clean, I have no plans for today to get out of the house. This will be a relaxing day, but it will be a struggle to stay out of the food and not obsess over it. I can do it though. HAppy eating to all!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
So lately, I have been forcing myself to stay in bed til at least 5am (usually up at 4). Next week I will probably be up at 4:30 because I will start my workouts again, but this weeks focus was and is getting my food in control. I have now 5 days without any unhealthy eating! For me that means no binging, no flour/sugar and weighing all my meals...no bites, licks, tastes nothing that I didnt put on the food scale. I am physically feeling much better. Since my last binges didnt contain flour/sugar I am not suffering from the sugar withdrawl, headaches, or hormonal rollercoaster caused by that specific "drug". I am hydrating like crazy, and peeing all the time...my caffeine intake is up but i can live with that for right now.
This morning I am going yard saling by myself. Something my husband suggested as a way to have a little me time. I am taking him up on it and getting ready to leave the house, breakfast in hand. Its 5:54 and my 3yr old has already gotten out of her bed, saying she needs to potty. I took her, she went and then I put her back to bed. Hopefully, she will stay there, so im waiting to leave the house, not wanting to wake her.
Hope you all have a great weekend full of family, friends and clean eating :)
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Sunday I got rid of my box of binge foods. I had reduced it quite a bit a few months ago but still couldn't let go of the M&m's, reeses and other "good stuff." I knew monday was a new start for me with the food, and I have not been indulging on the sugar like in the past, but it was incredibly difficult. I have several unopened bags of my faves...but i know the terrible torture I feel physically after bingeing on it. It is now gone. I have no binge food box! My house is becoming cleaner, wiping the smudges (metaphorically speaking) and letting the light shine in.
I do not begin to think i am "cured" I will always deal with this struggle. I still have nuts and SF ice cream in the house (also regular ice cream for hubby but i wouldnt eat it since I react so violently to sugar). Let me pose you a question:
Is this progress? or am in just substituting since I cant be trusted with the nuts?
I am seeing it as progress for today. Happy clean eating to all....pitter patter upstairs!
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