Thursday, September 06, 2012
I have wasted 35 years of my life. Maybe not all of it, but a good chunk of it. I've worried about my weight, what people thought of me, paying for binges and then about how much the scale was going to go up. Finally I blocked it out saying tomorrow. Well there is no more tomorrow.
My younger sister is 29. Yesterday morning came the devastating news that she has uterine cancer. She has no children, and now she may very well never have children. Growing up I was not the one that anyone thought would be a mom yet I have a beautiful 3 year old boy that I love more than life itself. My sister however couldn't get pregnant. After a miscarriage a few weeks ago and a barrage of tests and trips to the er, we finally got the reason why.
I went to bed numb yesterday. I feel guilty. I have a heavy heart because I truly love my sister, even though we don't always get along. She's strong, but she's tired of being strong. Now I have new worries. I worry about her. I can't imagine life without my sister. I worry about my mom who is terrified inside. Cancer doesn't happen to one person. If affects everyone. My sister isn't dying but I haven't been living. Now I need to. For her. For my son. For me.
There is no more tomorrow. Every day is your here and now and you have to make the most of it. 24 hours is a very short period of time. In a blink it's gone. When you open your eyes in the morning, what will you say about yesterday? Will it be everything it should have been? Be thankful for today, don't regret yesterday but make today better every day because there won't always be a tomorrow. I love you Elizabeth Marie. We'll all get through this with you!!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Yesterday was a binge and a half. I couldn't stop once I started. I started early in the am with McDonald's, (mine and my son's leftovers!!), then nothing until the afternoon when I got into the chicken wings, the hershey kisses (most of the bag till they were gone!), girl scout cookies and more girl scout cookies. This morning I was miserable because I didn't feel well and started my day with 2 protein bars, and a banana. I told myself that because of my bad start, who cares, I was going to get candy, candy, candy galore on my trip to the store at lunch.
I surprised myself. I got candy, the sugar free kind. And I got a salad, and some organic tomato sauce for dinner. I killed the cravings by walking around and thinking about how much I just didn't need any more bad food today. Part of if was that I just didn't have the time or energy to exercise this weekend. Yesterday I spent 3 hours doing yard work because it was gorgeous out. Then I spent a few hours painting. I suppose that was my exercise. Needless to say, after stopping around 11:30 last night, I was in no shape to get up this morning. I was sore, and I was stiff and tired.
Tonight it's gorgeous out. Daylight savings time means I can go home, put my son in his jogger and push him around town. I'm going to attempt jogging with him. When we get home, then we're going to have some healthy whole wheat pasta with organic, sugar free tomato sauce. Yum! So I failed, but instead of making it worse, I was strong. Go me!!
Saturday, March 10, 2012
I am always going to be my own worst enemy. I left the icing on the counter last night. I'm on strike from doing the dishes so they've piled up (long story). So I just left the bowl there instead of scraping it out immediately and putting the icing in the garbage. I found myself many times walking back to the bowl and dipping my finger in. I kept saying that "this little bit won't hurt" and "you'll walk it off later". Well I was 213.8 yesterday. This morning the scale said 215.
I worked out yesterday morning but last night I was just so tired so I went to bed at 10 and finally just slept for 8 hours. I have to work today so I took this morning off. Tonight I'll be heading downstairs to do an incline walk and my new Wii Zumba and some upper body strength training. I'm so angry with myself for being so weak last night. Today is going to be better. More water, less sugar. Started off okay, lets just hope I can keep it up.
Why am I working against myself??
Thursday, March 08, 2012
So I agreed to make dessert for a going away party here at work. I did try one of my mini brownies with caramel filling and frosting. I did lick the icing. But I also made myself earn those two naughty treats. Today is the day of the party, and I'm not eating any of the goodies. I feel better if I just say no. And I won't tell anyone that they're low fat because I used low fat ingredients. :)
Now, last night after my badness, I decided I needed to add 45 minutes of strength training. Needless to say, I was tired because I finished up at 10:15 pm and got up this morning at 5 to go for my jog/walk. I did 3 miles this time. Took me a very slow 41 minutes, but I did it and I feel good. It's feeling like spring out there, time to ramp up my looks if I want to be ready for shorts!!
Yesterday wasn't so hard, but I was hungry. I'm not eating enough. I may add a salad today just so I can stave off the detox headache I still have. A good sign that my body is protesting, when I sampled one of my mini brownies last night, my headache faded. You can't fool me body, I know what you're up to. NAUGHTY!!!
So here's to day 3. I think my new philosophy is to live like there is no tomorrow. That way I can say that I got the most out of today. :)
Wednesday, March 07, 2012
I went to bed with a headache last night. I am in sugar detox. While I haven't eliminated it 100% from my diet, and probably never will, I did remove a large chunk of my everyday consumption. Last night I wanted to clean my kitchen, but instead I changed, and brought my butt downstairs. I watched a very yummy episode of Cupcake Wars while I did 45 minutes of tricep & bicep strength training. I forgot my dips and pushups, but oh well. I did something. This morning I finally stopped hitting the snooze button and got OUT OF BED. Tried jogging but 216.4 pounds is tough to keep pounding on the knees with. I did 2.43 miles in about 33 minutes. I have a 5K next weekend, guess tomorrow better be better.
Tonight I have to run to the store because I have to make cupcakes for work tomorrow - which I swear I will not eat. After I go to the store, I'm going to go to the gym and do some elliptical and incline work. Probably about an hour's worth then head home for the night.
I have a limited diet today, but I'm again watching my sugar. Until I can go grocery shopping and plan my meals, I have to work with what is in my house. I ran out of time last night to cook up the chicken/veggie/rice combo I've been craving. I have to hunt down a recipe for a low sodium/low sugar broth to cook the chicken and veggies in.
So anyway, day 1 in the books for the 2985075th time. Day 2 is under way and doing good. My headache is a reminder of the good I am doing for my body. And the warm sun on my face during my lunchtime walk will be my reward.
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