Saturday, December 06, 2014
This will probably be the most personal thing I ever write. A while back I started slipping into a depression but couldn't really admit it, I did everything to try to curb my feelings, I was so busy.1) My family has been dealing with my middle daughter having a heroin addiction for roughly 5 years which I won't go into great detail of everything we have gone through but it was so close to tearing my whole family apart. 2) my husband has been laid off from work now for 9 months...very stressful. 3) we took every bit of money we had so I could start my own quilting business and I got my dream order to do a wedding dress quilt and then I went and broke my metacarpal bone of my ring finger in 5 pieces had surgery and still can't move it. 4) over the summer I had 3 tumors removed from my back. 5)here's the real life changer for me......I had a mental breakdown. I didn't care anymore about living, I didn't see a point. Up til this point I kept a smile on my face, tried to be the one for everyone to turn to, tried rationalizing everything to everyone. Oh and to add to it all I gain about 20 pounds :(
In the last few weeks I have done so much soul searching and I have come to a few conclusions 1) I cannot control my daughters actions or am I to blame in any way, it is still so painful but I am taking the blame away. 2) this is also something I have no control over other than to be as supportive as I can, he is out there looking and picking up small jobs.....it WILL work out! 3) My quilting business will still be there, I will just have to be patient with my recovery and realize everything Will work out. 4) done and over with, it had set me back but it is in the past. 5) it IS ok for me to take care of myself and to put my needs first, it IS ok not to always smile, it IS ok for others to take care of themselves, it IS ok not to have all the answers and to put my trust in a higher being. I'm not saying I have it all figured out now because I don't, not even close but I am saying I'm not giving up!
I am back on SparksPeople for.....honestly I'm not all that sure except when I have been on here in the past it made me feel good and that is an ok answer for me. Last time though I tried to not make many friends because I didn't want to have to pretend to be "happy" to more and more people but one thing I have noticed is that EVERYONE has issues and EVERYONE needs someone. I know I have said a lot, trust me I only gave a brief history but I don't want to feel fake,if I'm going to reinvent my future I feel I need to be honest with not just myself but with everyone.