Sunday, August 25, 2013
how i feel:
here's to getting back what you put in.
the leadership test.
though there's risk, there's also sweet reward.
you've started to make your passion your profession.
tomorrow starts here- go willingly.
the league of extraordinary women.
Monday, August 19, 2013
Some things became clear.
1- I'm trying to race time without a functional hourglass. Need to learn to be ok with being in school longer. Take one semester at a time. Breathe.
2. I accepted this amazing opportunity to intern at a museum. But I know I need to have space on my schedule. So I'm taking 2 college classes. I almost said 'only' two classes but that diminishes how challenging my schedule will be (work, internship, 2 classes). I need to pump myself up not put myself down because I'm not taking a full course load. I AM A WARRIOR. FORGING AHEAD! I AM DOING GOOD! It's ok to not do everything, because doing everything is actually impossible.
3. I'm going to a nutritionist iyh next Friday for the first appointment. With my schedule, I need someone who will hold my hand because it's challenging to be on top of so many different things.
4. I need to take more pictures of myself. I need to show myself that my body is beautiful no matter the size. I love my dark complexion, full lips, nail beds... I'm not sure about this but I should start taking selfie photos like everyone else my age. I need to take myself less seriously.
5. I need to stop comparing myself to my friends. weight, college, career. I am ME. and I need to learn to be ok with that.
which leads to the age old question of who am i and how does one define themselves.
Which really is the basis of everything. Needing to be ok with who I am without hiding behind my schedule to validate my existence or using weight as an additional excuse to hide.
Is that what everything comes down to? ideas of self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence?
I'm not all unicorns and glitter, aka perfect, and that's ok. it's time to turn my back on the clock (and on comparisons) and learn to love me. How is the question...
Sunday, July 07, 2013
1 hobbit, i mean habit.
i've exercised more and eaten less
but everything comes undone
becomes of the five letter word: stress
BEWARE: TAKEN TRUTH POTION. THINGS GUSHING OUT CAN'T BE SUPPRESSED. STAND CLEAR.
I jam pack my schedule, then eat to take of the edge, oftentimes exercise is put on the back burner.
my bad habit- creating a productive schedule that isn't conducive to a health lifestyle. not really productive.
cons of not keeping my schedule (full time college, part time work, part time internship):
that i'll be in college even longer when i've already been in this muggle school forever.
I need to work so i have to keep that in the schedule. and graduating without an internship is pretty silly. so i could cut back on my course load.
which means i'll be in school longer. which means i'll be paying more for college.
but by not cutting back on something, i'll probably gain, like i do every busy semester, though i pack lunches/dinners because i'm so tired/stressed i over eat.
and then i'll feel heavy, lethargic, sad, depressed and my self image wouldn't be at it's best. it would be pretty darn low. i hate that feeling. i want to cry. wallow. somehow perform surgery and separate myself from my stomach.
but i can do the crazy schedule. done it before. gotten tons of credits out of the way. worked. the whole nine yards. so it may be crazy but it's totally doable. and it's efficient. i'll graduate faster and be able to only work and not have to do work and school. and then, and then life will be simpler***says the dream.
pros of giving myself more me time:
I could join that free training group that starts in September and train for the Miami half marathon in January. I could be a runner! i want to be a runner. i want to train and raise money for charity. i really want to do that but if i do the internship my sundays are gone.
I would have the energy and time to sleep AND exercise.
I'd be setting up the habit of not over extending myself once I have a family. I don't want this crazy me- constantly dreaming of the weekend to be as a mom. I want to be able to 'zen.'
i want to know how to take time for ME. i have 2 older sisters both married with kids. one's super crazy busy and she's very overweight and i see how much that bothers her. she was just in town for an event in her husband's side of the family and she didn't say it but she was so upset about not having anything pretty to wear. my sis is awesome, beautiful, successful. but her appearance still bothers her. i wish she would cut back and take care of herself more. my other sister is very zen, stay at home mom, who is fit. i want to find my balance.
I'll learn to wait.
I'll have time to experiment with foods.
I'd be thin.
i could be my ideal weight.
i could be a lean, fit, muscled armed machine.
a fabulous cook. one of those people others refer to us a health guru because i would use things like chia seeds or kale leaves (haven't used them yet).
I don't want to lead a crazy rushed life and if i don't make myself slow down now when will i?
THE WHY OF A BAD HABIT:
there's also a voice telling me to hurry and get stuff done. why is college taking you so long? for some reason it sounds like my mom.
or the pressure i put on myself has similarities to my mom. why do i have to rush to finish college? is it really so terrible to take a little longer? it'll only be one more semester. is it the social pressure because most of my friend's will finish college ahead of me? it probably is. do i need the degree to feel good? but i'm double majoring so it makes sense for my degree to take longer so i don't think i need it for 'status' among my peers/co-workers. i think the main mom voice is that college is expensive and though i pay for college myself it's the tingling suspicion that maybe i'm not financially savvy and i'm being stupid. so is the why of my super busy schedule, me trying to prove that i'm financially savvy and not stupid?
but i also want to finish sooner so life could start. so it's also my ocd-(not really ocd but leaning toward it) for everything to be in nice, neat boxes. step one, finish college, step two, get a full time job. step 3 dating and marriage.
but i could do dating and marriage now so am i just looking to avoid a further hectic schedule? i think i am. juggling work, college, marriage is just not something i could envision doing right now.
but i really want to date. so i can. which may be another reason i want to have a more relaxed schedule.
having a busy schedule makes me feel validated/important. as in "YEAH, i'm doing something with my life."
wow. i think i just learned something about myself. i'm not sure what to do with that.
i need to feel like i'm doing something productive with my life so i feel validated/important even if it's only in my head.
if that's the feeling i get from this habit of being super busy i could transfer that to being healthy and doing something in my life. but that seems superficial to slow down for the reason of being thin and looking good though health/fitness come along with that.
so maybe it's my need to feel important and good about myself that makes me take on these crazy schedules.
can my need to feel like i'm doing it all/important be satisfied by slowing down and focus on being healthier?
In the book, THE POWER OF HABIT: why we do what we do in life and business. Charles Duhigg says to change an habit we must find a way to get the same feeling that, that habit gave us (like food takes the edge of stress, but so does walking or journaling...substituting habits and getting the same feelings/sensations the habit gave you. like release).
what i'm getting from this mediation, awesome, truth potion tell-all is that I need to busy to feel validated/ important. which is something i need to work on to be ok with who i am when i'm not really busy. but fore now i could use that self-knowledge toward being healthy.
i'm ending my summer semester on Wednesday and i'm not taking the second summer semester. this would be a great time to be busier with health and exercise.
a new gym is opening up near my house. and though i'm at loathe to spend money on anything, i think the promotional price is really good and that once the money is there, i'll be there making sure i get my money's worth.
but...i've been running the couch to 5k running program and have to wonder if i need a gym i'd much rather do group classes. i think i need the motivation of doing something outside my home cuz that i'm too likely to skip on.
so gym or group classes are a great option.
or do iceskating classes. but that's just once a week.
i also think it's time to put my money where my mouth is and hire a nutritionist. really pay it all to make this month magical. to really get it done.
cons: spending money. maybe goofing off due to stress. but all i'm doing for the next month is working without college so there shouldn't be too much stress.
in fact, there will be boredom after work so plenty of time to make myself busy with classes and the like.
maybe i should rejoin the space for classes.
the point: i want a formal food plan/training plan. i know sparks has both but i need a person physically near me holding me accountable.
it'll enhance my life by giving me a formula to follow. a concrete road map instead of me being healthy by 'winging it' and not noticing those little bites, licks, tastes, and binges.
or i could continue running/ using hasfit.com, sparkspeople and have my sister in florida be my accountability person. or?
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I went running before work. I am so much stronger than I ever was. I'm finally doing the Couch to 5k running program WITH weight training on off days. It's awesome.
My day was great bh, but my health style of the day wasn't.
I'm frustrated by that. Trying to pinpoint where it went wrong. I was tired. So I knew to circumvent compulsive over eating I should take a nap. I did but that didn't help. I was just so worn out. I've been sleeping really well lately. Except this morning I woke up early to go for a run.
So I did overeat when I woke up.
Snacker crackers with sunbutter, too many pieces of breaded flounder, instant chicken soup and chocolate chips.
(earlier was strawberries and Ezekiel bread with sunbutter for breakfast. almonds and an apple for snack. 3 pieces Ezekiel bread with lettuce, tomato, onion, avocado for lunch).
I don't even think it was the fact that I was tired. Though that definitely adds to it. I've been working on pinpointing what my eating is a solution to and have come up with 3 categories:
1. Boredom- been very active lately to ensure that isn't the case.
2. Tired- grazing for energy.
I've really been proactive about boredom and being tired. I've been really busy lately (socially, academically, fitness- the whole nine yards). And I've been setting an alarm for ten PM to remind me to get to bed.
Which leaves: Stress. Let me count the ways.
So what was truly eating me?
I feel like the green monster of envy but...that my friends/family are really going after what the want and getting results. I don't feel like I am.
But that's crazy. I'm not competing against them. And I shouldn't be competing against myself either.
I feel pressured, by myself, to get going. But it's a little insane. I need to work to pay for college so next year I'm working part time, going to college full time and I want/NEED to do an internship (to get some practical experience in my field instead of just the theoretical stuff I'm mastering in college).
I need an internship. Otherwise I'll graduate with no practical experience in my field. Gasp.
I know that's not the worst thing, and I could still progress from there, I just feel it's more productive to do an internship while in college.
But what I really want next year is not to work (I feel so lazy/ guilty/ horrible saying that). But I would love to do college full time (and be able to take classes according to when the good professor's are teaching instead of according to my work schedule) and also do an internship. While also pursuing the things I enjoy. Taking skating lessons, running, weight training, learning to draw...
I feel like I'm missing out on something big by not doing more of what I enjoy. My friends who are succeeding are doing what they want to do. And taking the time to pursue their interests.
I don't feel able to take time off like that. I do fit in things I enjoy in between. But lately I feel like...I want to slow down and focus more.
if wishes were pies i'd weigh more than i do
Anyway, running today was good. going to walk across the city tomorrow during my break, and do hasfit.com when I get home.
cuz it honestly doesn't matter what i'm feeling down about, because going shopping on Memorial Day and not getting stuff cuz it doesn't fit right and not because my tummy is popping out ROCKS. SHOPPING IS GETTING TO BE MORE FUN. It's worth it. I'm stronger. It's slow, it's hectic. But it happens
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