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MODEL_BEHAVIOR's Recent Blog Entries

really tired

Sunday, December 30, 2007

I have been really tired lately.


I took a break over the last two days, partially because we had a party at our house I had to get ready for and also because my knee was hurting me. The rest seems to have helped my knee a bit, so its back to the grind today. I will go back to the gym: already have my sweatpants on!

  


I lost nine pounds.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Wow, so I weighed myself this morning and I am surprised to find that I've lost so much weight so far. It feels like I haven't really had to try *too* hard, and maybe that's typical in the beginning with drinking water and starting to exercise. . . but it sure feels awesome.

For the little bit of sacrifice I put in, its a huge reward. Especially after the Christmas holiday, when I did have a few cookies and a slice of pie here or there, it was just great to see the scale in a totally different position when I was expecting the same old number again.

I kind of don't want to measure myself. I would rather just go by clothing sizes. I am afraid to know how big my thighs are and how wide my waist is. If I choose to sew something for myself, then I'll measure my body, but for now I am going to leave it alone.

  


New motivation factors!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Over this Christmas holiday, I found out that I not only have a high school reunion in August 2008, but my little sister just engaged and I will be in her someday-soon wedding! Now I have even more motivation to meet my goals and get to a place where I am comfortable being photographed and seeing people I haven't seen in a while.

  


I joined a real gym!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Today I signed a contract for a year on a gym that just opened two blocks from my apartment. I will likely go first thing in the morning before work and shower there... but who knows. I hope I take it seriously! I feel very happy, its a Christmas present to myself!

  


becoming a real adult

Monday, December 10, 2007

So, an email I got from SparkPeople the other day had a quote in it, something like: "The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults." The crux of the message was that we don't have to wait for something serious and life-consuming to get serious about our goals. In fact, its silly to wait until then to work toward our goals!

I think that part of the identity issue with my generation of women is that we have the luxury of having the demands of life delayed. I have put off getting married and having kids without much thought, because its what most of my peers are doing as well. In my case, I really hadn't met the right person yet, and I had so many issues with debt, mental health, and several addictions to get out of the way before I could see the light. (I'm talking about compulsive overspending, and enjoying a part of my life where I could go out all the time and party-- I've never been an alcoholic or used drugs of any nature. Just a very selfish period of time that I gave in to.) Beyond that, I've had so much "going on" and so many projects that I've wanted to do: music, writing, art, study, sewing... I feel kind of lucky that I've gotten to do these. I feel that I have matured as an artist and a musician, and that I am capable of producing work that I am happy with, and that I don't need to question or follow any one else in doing.

Last night as I cleaned up my apartment and got things surprisingly organized (or at least half way toward an end goal), I felt this pang inside my gut. It had to do with thinking back about five years ago, when my life was more chaotic and I had absolutely NO IDEA what to do with myself. I was in a "good job", supposedly to pay off my debt (which I wasn't doing), and I was making my parents very proud. Now I am in a lower-paying situation, living up near (very expensive) NYC, which I never wanted to do... but I am JUST NOW getting to the point where I feel like I have my paperwork under control, and I feel like I am in a job where I can be myself and earn enough money to pay my bills in a way that is enjoyable to me. I am starting to "get it".

Maybe I would have been forced to "get it" very quickly if I had lived my life differently-- marrying my first boyfriend out of high school and having a few kids by now... but I think that personally I would have been at a loss down the line for this experience which I am having right now. I have gone through bouts of being crazy, bouts of being depressed out of my mind, and bouts of being really boring and analytical about everything. I think I am finding a real balance these days. I think I am defining who I am supposed to be, and its not who I thought I would be even when I was in college.

I have to develop a new aspect to this learning experience and that involves new habits to take care of my physical health. Now that I've got the other things somewhat sorted out, I feel really empowered to find a gym or follow an eating plan and not feel like its too much for me to be in control of. Five years ago I would have given this my all and immediately become overwhelmed and scared, almost immediately I would have been defeated. Not anymore. I'm growing up, and I "get it" and I can do this.

I don't have too many balls in the air to juggle anymore. I'm done with school (for now, anyway), and I'm working hard at a job that allows me to go home right at five o'clock with everyone else, instead of spending all night long working overtime and being underappreciated. This is a really great time to figure these things out, step up to the plate, and hit myself a homerun.

May 2008, baby. I will arrive there in style!!

  


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