Ok... i can't say I have gone totally wheatless. Wheat is in EVERYTHING!!!! It's so annoying. I can say that I do feel better on the days I don't eat it. One other interesting thing has happened, which is mentioned in the "Wheat belly" book but I really didn't believe it. I stopped craving sugar to such a degree. I still want something sweet but unlike a few months ago I can have a few pieces and stop. I have never been able to have a few pieces and stop before.
Also, I don't feel the constant unending hunger that I did before. I mean I was ALWAYS hungry. I would eat and then be hungry right after I eat. I never felt satisfied and the more sugar I had the more I craved it. Becase of this I find I am eating a bit healthier slowly I have been trying to work healther stuff back into my diet. I have yet to see any weight loss but i don't think that is because of my diet anymore. In any case, I finally don't feel so out of control when it comes to food. That to me is huge.....
This week i'm trying something new. I've made some strong progress in terms of the binge eating disorder and have been doing well with my scheduled eating times. However, I'm having a lot of difficulty overcoming my sugar craving. I seem to NEED something sweet every day and once I have it I just crave it more. In addition my stomach still is not totally right among other things.
i have been reading this book called "Wheat Belly" and it seemed to describe a lot of the symptoms I feel. These are not feeling that seem to lead back to any root cause mind you. After last year I had everything tested and discovered an allergy to OAts and assumed that would be the answer, but many of the problems still persist despite this discovery.
Well, today I had to eliminate meat too (during Lent) it was quite a challange but so far I feel pretty good.
So after reading this book I decided to try to limit or eliminate as much wheat as I could from my diet and see if this has any effect. I mean I workout pretty good, and I don't exceed my calories anymore. And again there is no fluctuation in my weight up or down. What could it hurt? If it doesn't work then I'll just change something else.
Today was a very emotional day for me. I just felt drained like I had nothing left. Like I was hollow inside. In the past I have tried to fill this void with food, like most binge eaters do. I started of the day not even tracking my food and was setting myself up for failure (Maybe as an excuse so I could give up.) But I actually tried the positive talk thing I have read about on a sparkblog and stopped what I was doing and made a tracking sheet so as not to give myself an excuse to quit.
I can't say I was perfect today, far from it. Not a lot of nutrition in what I eat, but I stayed within my calories. On several occasions today where I felt the urge to turn to food for comfort I fought it back. Towards the end of the night the urge came on real strong, (since the matter I was dealing with was coming to a head) I started to binge and had a biscotti instead of the healthy dinner I had planned. I wanted to go for another. Not out of hunger mind you, totally and completely out of emotion. But I stuck to the plan steps and it worked. In the end I play with my kids and did my workout and the urge to binge subsided. For me today was a major triumph and it feels pretty good.
Ok for this self-help plan I have to weigh myself once a week. Today was that day. I couldn't do it. I was scared. i didn't want to feel they way I felt last week. What if I gained. I am currently at the heaviest I have ever been and feel utterly disgusted with myself. I don't think I could handle if I gained anymore. I mean how much worse could I feel about myself. So like a chicken I turned around and walked away from the scale. I was actually afraid of it.
Later while I was talking to my mom (who lost 40 lbs with quick weight loss) why I was gaining. She said maybe you are not doing the things that need to be done to lose weight. After thinking about it I said, " I don't want to eat rabbit food and I don't want to have to monitor everything I eat all the time. I want to eat what I want. I want to eat normal."
I couldn't believe I actually said that. A year and a half ago I thought the starve/binge cycle was normal. I felt like my mom was telling me I have to give it up. My sweets, my junk food, my binges and I was actually clinging to it. Like an addict. Like who was she to take that from me. I know it sounds so weird but that was what was going through my head when I said it. I never realized my relationship with food was this messed up. My fear of gaining weight but my dependency on eating to make myself feel better. It's a sad cycle.
Tomorrow I will face try to weigh myself again. Please be nice to me scale.
Today I weighed myself and I am the heaviest I have ever been. I'm trying not to freck out since I know what my issue is. i have been doing this self- help program to deal with my binge eating. Step one was to write down what I eat the time and how I feel. Step 2 was to establish more scheduled eating times so as not to skip meals and binge later on. After three weeks of this I feel that I'm starting to get to the bottom of my binge triggers.
The part of the program I hate is that it requires you to weight yourself weekly. I hate getting on the scale expecially since I keep seeing it go up. I know it's only temperary while I get to the root of my issues with food. But the level of anxiety and low self worth this causes me is tremendous. I guess thats the point huh? I'm the same person heavy and as I am thin, why does my self worth suffer so much when I'm heavy. Why do I view myself as worthless, and disgusting when the scale reachs a certain number.
I know this is part of the plan.. to face this and fix it in my head...but I never imagined it would be this hard or how much I dislike myself right now. How much my view of myself and what others might think of me was gauged by my weight, at least in my own head.
Today was a rough day for me mentally but suprisingly I did really well eating and tracking. I know the plan is working however uncomfortable it has made me.