Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I'm told that the mind works in PICTURES...so, I made myself some visuals that I can hang up to keep me reminded of my goals, etc. It's fun and it helps. I'm feeling a little tired but probably because I need some SLEEP. I see that there's a little box you can check for tracking your sleep and I know that it's really important that I start doing it... soon! I can't continue to get 4 hours sleep...or sleep for 2 hours..wake up and be up for 5 hours...fall asleep in a chair and then get up to start my day.
I have developed a bad habit of staying up late because after taking care of Haley all day...well, I had no time to myself...except after she was asleep. It's like I lived for "bedtime"!
Now that she's in all day Kindergarten, I do have more "me time"...but because I've had her for over 3 years...there's an awful lot of catching up to do and doesn't seem to be time enough to do it. That's one of the many reasons BALANCE is so important and I'm going to find mine!.
Just since I put her to bed...she's been up twice.
She has been diagnosed with ADHD, RAD, PTSD and others. It's been hard...but I press on.
I look back and see how far we've come and am amazed at where we are!
It's wild how all of the plans you've made for your life can just simply disappear or change over night.... "POOF"! If I have to raise her,...I have to be healthy!
So... back to my visuals. I made them and will make more. I think I'll make one for sleep and set myself a bedtime. I know it'll be hard at first..but eventually I'll develop proper sleep habits and I'm sure it'll make a difference in my overall health. After all, how long can I continue to ride and function on fumes..??? I can't. How long can I fall asleep with a laptop on my lap and wake up and then be mad at myself because I fell asleep and feel ripped off because I didn't get my break? It's crazy to be angry at yourself for something like that...after all...it's obvious that I'm tired..or I wouldn't be falling asleep, right? Weird.
Say some prayers for me. I will conquer this thing. zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Sunday, January 17, 2010
"Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."
Masks are made and worn to cover..to hide..conceal..disguise.
We all have many masks that we pull out of our "dress up" box when we want to play the game.
There is a saying attributed to Abraham Lincoln - "You may fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."
We use masks to protect ourselves from judgment and at other times to gain position or to feel safe.
In dealing with the issue of weight, we must understand that weight can be a mask for feelings of insecurity and a multitude of other things that have happened to us in our lives. If we want total wholeness, we must allow someone to see the "real us"... we must allow the mask to come off....not just "slip down" a little bit...but come off.
Total exposure is where REAL healing occurs.
I've heard that the mask "conceals the human and reveals the divine" and that it is the paradoxical nature of the mask that allows it to "reveal even as it conceals". ..something to ponder...
I found an interesting poem that I'd like to share with you. The author is unknown but it has been published in a number of books over the years.
THE MASK I WEAR
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
But don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls.
I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
for I am everyman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.
So what's next? What's next is to remember this:
Luke 12:2 For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known.
What's next is to find opportunities to take down the masks...to be open to the total exposure needed for total healing to occur...and it has nothing to do with "weight".
God know what you look like...naked.....SMILE
Friday, January 15, 2010
I read a blog written by my spark pal, NEWDEBDAWNING, who is not only a terrific writer but whose writings continue to to prod, push, pull... or cause me to think.. Thank you Deb! The blog was about determining self-worth.
If your self worth is determined by others, the world..or by emotions....you're in for a disappointingly rocky ride! Let your self-worth be determined by the One who created you; God. A healthy self-worth is the result of fully understanding who we are and how precious we are in God's eyes.
Let me expound... (you knew I was going to) :) LOL
If you measure your value...your self-worth by worldly means or methods..you'll never measure up,..NEVER... and you'll be in constant pursuit of something that you can never achieve... because it's an illusion...(the world's valuation system..if you can call it that) smoke and mirrors...false...counterfeit.
I have to remember that although I'm in this world I'm not OF this world. I don't have to measure a thing because it's already been measured for me in or by what Jesus did on the cross. It's been measured by precious blood and by precious love.
My value is determined by the One who created me..the One who says I'm worthy and proved it by sending His only begotten son...so I could live forever.
One of the problems with self help and self analyzation...(though very enlightening at times and extremely helpful at others)..is that it can cut God out of the picture...or obscure our view of Him and His presence. It can cause us to continue to look at ourselves and not Him. That's what our enemy wants...he's always seeking to get us to look his way and take our focus off God. Once we take our focus off God, we can be easily led astray because the paths of the past aren't clear, haven't been made new..are full of rocks and crevices and potholes....especially if it's emotional. It's kind of like an old familiar song from high school...you hear it..and you're right back there.
Although it IS very important for us to evaluate the "whys" and "wherefores" regarding HOW we got to where we are...(and I myself, do an awful lot of just that)...we must understand that we are new creations in Christ Jesus and put more work into discovering just exactly what that means.
What does that mean? Well, for me, it means putting away thoughts of who I think I am or who I know I am based on what I've thought or done in the past. That's the hard part. I've always been almost proud of the road I've traveled and all of the good and bad experiences, learning, etc., that I've felt have all molded, shaped and contributed to making me who I am today..making me, ME. But, in order to serve Him...I must even let that go..release it and grab hold of who He says I am... NEW.
It means recognizing that you must have a new starting point. You must start over and go forward. I am a firm believer that there are times we must dig into our past to be able to take the steps necessary to move forward...but I realize that I must not stay there too long...I must not camp there.
How hard it is to really let US go...let the "old us" die. Help me Lord...it's really hard!
A new beginning...a fresh start. Make me new, Lord...brand new!
So, when we're talking about value..we must follow the path of light and gain a greater understanding of what value means to Him and what it should mean to us...what He'd like us to understand about it.
It says in Luke 12:7a But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Wow!
I love my family more than words can say and with my whole heart..but I've never taken the time to "number their hairs"...lol. Now that's love! :) Jesus was using that example to get the people to understand how precious they were to God. He often used examples to help others understand. He broke it down for them.
He also said that not one little bird falls to the ground without the Father knowing it..and then he said, "Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows". Luke 12:7b..(same verse as above)
That's where I start....believing what Jesus said.
Forget my past, my credentials, my intelligence, my failures, successes, accolades, laurels....forget everything..the good, the bad, the ugly...and start new. A blank slate..an unwritten page..ready to be written on. A new life. A life that starts now...right this minute..right this second. NOW!
A new heart.
Hard? Without question!
Achievable? Oh yeahhh!
The potter has already determined what the clay will be fashioned into and used for.
1Cor 6:20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.
Today I will walk in the "Newness of Life".
Today I will feel the presence of the One who created me.
Today my heart will sing with the thankfulness of one who knows how much she is loved...how precious she is to Him and to others.
Today, I will embrace my "Newness".
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