Monday, January 11, 2010
I don't think that there has been one day in my life that chocolate hasn't been a part of it in some small way.
For me, cold turkey doesn't work..and now, I know why.
I have developed a relationship with food and with chocolate....the taste, the texture, the luxurious smoothness on my tongue....in order to replace something I lacked: acceptance and ...comfort.
I have developed an unhealthy relationship with it. ( It's food…not a person! It's FALSE comfort...not REAL.) I know that it has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with ME.
The chocolate kiss has no power unless I make it so. The chocolate syrup has no authority....I DO!
The double chocolate brownie cannot control me...it is a THING!!!
Others seem to be willing to put it away...throw it away..so why can't I? What's wrong with ME?
Don't get me wrong..when I say that I've developed a relationship with it...it's all in light of some underlying "feelings". It's not like I'm knitting baby booties for my Hershey's kisses or
anything...or tucking my Lay's Sour Cream and Onion potato chips into bed at night or stuff like that...lol.
Feelings are emotional. Emotional problems cannot be solved by "things"..by chocolate.
I have been pondering, praying..looking for the "whys" to my over eating...because I really wanna' know!!! I really want to accept my healing!
Well, by way of my REAL comforter, the holy spirit, the Lord has been revealing certain truths to me. I wanted and needed these truths in order to not just "control" what I do..but to CHANGE what I do...so that I can KNOW that I am truly HEALED...and that this particular healing in my life happened over 2000 years ago...and all I have to do is accept it in my heart.
Here's what he has shown me:
Chocolate has been like a friend...like ...a nurturer...a rewarder..a satisfying ahhhhhh...that
says; "You've got everything you need..You can fall asleep now..You can rest..You are at peace." The gentle hand and the soft touch that says, "I love you and everything's gonna be all right." (like a mother)
I am seeing a mind picture of a new born baby, eyes closed, clean an soft, snuggled in an extra soft little blanket....milked out.....tummy full..the baby sleeps..content, satisfied, blessed, comforted ..at peace.
Acceptance, Validation, Judgment, Criticism, Unconditional Love....all non-issues with chocolate..just total acceptance and love.
Thank you, Lord.. for helping me to see this..and thank you for expounding on it more so that I can have total understanding and be free. In your word it says, "Behold, I make all things new." Make ME new! Create in me a clean heart so that I may love you more...learn to love myself more...learn to love others more. I will settle for nothing less than I believe you have already given me in what your son accomplished on that cross...many, many years ago...which is; pure love and total healing!
Help me to understand the "chocolate nurturer and comforter" that I have created in my own heart...in my own mind. I realize that it has been false and has never really helped me. Help me to understand that I can still enjoy chocolate or ANY other food, and still not have to "milk out" on it. Yes, there are times I'd like to eat it..but need to limit the amount or just NOT have it at all for that day.
Just like the apostle Paul said in 1Corinthians 10:23 All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not.
I realize that for me, personally, ..banning chocolate from my presence is in essence, giving it POWER that an inanimate object or thing simply does not and cannot possess.
I know that whatever comfort I think I feel after eating certain foods is false comfort and not real. YOU are REAL comfort, holy spirit..MY comforter. Forgive me for placing something else on the throne in this area of my life....forgive me.
I asked myself the question: So why do I seem to need to constantly be comforted? Why? Why have I never been able to find peace within myself...why am I always in an internal state of unrest?....why? I'm a leg jiggler too, lol. I'll bet it's all connected! :)
It's not the chocolate...it's the "comfort".
So is it a relationship with food...or a relationship with COMFORT?
Or...is it the REWARD?.....a reward that I give myself for whatever little thing I've done that I feel is RIGHT or GOOD. It's my own reward system...all mine....to make me feel good about myself.
I've envied those who seem to be able to feel satisfied and confident in that things they do and never seem to need anybody's approval...it just comes from within themselves. Me, I have to announce it...even if I’m the only one who hears it. I have to announce any little thing that I've done right. "Good job, Mick..you deserve a reward!" "You had a hard day...how about a little bowl of ice cream." "There you gooooo....ahhhhhhh." "Good, job, good girl." Don't I really believe I'm good?
Why don't I feel good about myself? Is it because I never felt unconditionally, really loved?....how sad. I think those feelings of self worth come from a very early age...as little children.
I forgive those who I felt did not love me.. or for not being able to love me the way I think I should've been loved...or would've liked to have been loved. I forgive them. I'm not blaming them....I'm not blaming anyone. For whatever reason..they did what they did or didn't do because of what they'd been taught, experienced, etc.. perhaps it had been handed down to them by their parents...and down and down...who knows?
Moreover,..I'm not blaming me. Blame has no place in this. What's that all about?
I forgive me. I forgive me for making some terrible, emotionally stupid decisions, which have affected my body, my life, my relationships....me.
Forgiveness is a big deal. Lord, I am thankful for your forgiveness. Please help me to continue to find a way to love bigger and better than I ever have before. Use me to show YOUR love to others.
Not my love... YOUR love.
Okay...so this is fun!!! So now...let's tackle..Peanut Butter!!! No, chips...chips first..then peanut butter!!! I can't wait!! (sigh) LOL Let's save ice cream for another day, eh?...don't know how much insight and enlightenment one person can take in a day!!!! Haaaaaaaaaaa
Really, I know that this is only the beginning of understanding the "whys"...and it's part of the journey on the way to you....REAL LOVE...REAL WHOLENESS! Amen!
Recently there was this one thread written on SP and I hopped right on.. I AM a chocoholic.
I take it back.
I'm NOT a chocoholic. I DO love the taste of chocolate and have made it more than it needs to be in my life....and that WILL change...that HAS changed!
I've known lots of alcoholics in my day and my grandfather founded AA in our town in the 20's.
Although it's a great program and it helps alot of people...one of the things that I can see is:
(In my opinion..)
It keeps you an Alcoholic FOREVER...and that's a rip-off! There can be no complete and total
healing when you allow alcohol to be your jailer. It gives alcohol power and control over the
It's the same thing with chocolate.
I will never say that I am a "recovering" chocoholic or a "recovering" anything else. Either I'm healed or I'm not!..but that's me. Jesus died over 2000 years ago so that I could be healed and live forever. I will not, cannot and must not slap him in the face. To deny my total healing would be for me to say that his sacrifice was in vain..for nought...for nothing.
Instead..I will say that I am healed and my body or my brain just has to "catch up" with the truth!!!!
The flesh will always war against the spirit because they are enemies.
Instead, I will say that I am daily overcoming and conquering temptations of the flesh...but in my spirit...the real me.. I KNOW I AM HEALED!!!! Now get with truth, brain! Get with the truth, body!!! I control you!!! I give God control of me!!! I submit to HIM!
The power lies within you...it always has...it always will.
I know that it has nothing to do with the food and everything to do with ME.
I have had a pan of brownies sitting on my kitchen counter for over 5 days and haven't touched one...and have no desire to.
I have had a little chocolate which I've calculated into my nutritional tracker and it hasn't been a problem. I didn't want more...didn't even think about it.
Know why? I'm HEALED! :)