Saturday, October 02, 2010
Hello my sparkster friends. I'm baaaack! And, I'm childless....after 4years. It was time for Haley t o go back to her mother. I terminated my guardianship...well, technically, I'm still the legal guardian until January 10, 2011 if all goes well...which I believe it will.
I delivered Haley, lock, stock and barrel to her mother yesterday. It was a bittersweet moment and a hard decision to make but a necessary one. I am thankful that her mother will have the mental health people coming in to counsel them once per month and Haley will have a counselor come to school once per week.
I just couldn't do it anymore. The stress was unbearable and the thought of her mother being down the street, continuing to have more children was too much for me....and Haley.
So, basically..this was forced on her mother and I know it will be hard on her but she has the support system that I didn't have.
I took my life back...I had to. I was spiraling down into a depression and I had to get out of it before I hit rock bottom.
I'm in the worst shape in all ways....but you know me...I keep getting up.
The first thing I'm gonna do is....rest. It feels so weird without her... I miss her but I don't, ya know? I've been her mom for 4 years...hard to let go..but I have to.
I'm looking forward to being "just" a Gramma again...my world and life was consumed by one little girl. I was losing .... me.
Actually, it's been 4 years of hell and heartache...but I'm believing that the good seeds planted will grow in time.
I don't even want to get on the scale...but I know I will. YUK I know I've gained.
My hair was falling out from the stress and I felt like I just couldn't make it another day.
My strength was gone, my faith dwindling...my hope fading. God carried me.
What was supposed to be a few months of caring for a child ...turned into 4 years.
I had to take my life back or I wasn't going to have one.
I'm not a selfish person...but being with Haley was turning me into someone I'm not and I couldn't stand it anymore.
So, it's time to begin again and start over.
Tomorrow I will start logging my food and go from there.
Feels good to be back.