Monday, June 09, 2014
So on my mission decluttering, sorting thru clothes, etc. A while back a good friend told me she and her mother had considered recommending me for "What not to wear." Just recently, having acquired Netflix, I have been watching it. I really enjoy seeing the makeovers and how different people look simply by what they wear. So I have decided to get rid of all these extra clothes and different sizes (all those just in case clothes - in case I get back to that size, in case I get down to that size, in case I need that ugly top for ....). Trying on lots of clothes I discover that my friend was right - I have consistently worn clothes that are way too big for me. Not only are the tops like tents on me, the shoulders are way past mine. Most were given to me (a lot inherited which my friend has asked several times if I really think my husband wants to see his mother's clothes on me). So as my pile of give aways grow, I have begun to question why I kept or wore those clothes (influenced by the hoarding shows that I now watch). And I hear my mother's voice, always telling me and my sister that we were just big girls, big boned with big shoulders, farm girls. Neither one of us were weight heavy (that was my petite sister). But I always just thought I, along with my sister, were "big size" (having overheard some guys discuss me as "built like a brick ...house" which seemed really horrible didn't help...was in my thirties before I knew what that expression meant!). I remember after my sister became underweight, in her fifties, being so surprised by seeing how small she was - she didn't have "big shoulders," big-bone features though she is tall. I just always saw her the way my mom described her. Today, I saw that the clothes hung way past my shoulders, way bigger than my size. Beautiful clothes went in to discard pile - beautiful on someone else other than me.
Sunday, June 08, 2014
I have gained back some of the weight I lost ( I guess I never really lost it after all since it found me). I really didn't know what weight I wanted to be - I just had a goal I wanted to see if I could hit but never really planned on staying that low (I did hit it by the way). Actually I am not upset by how I look now (which I was before), but the problem is that I finally got some clothes once I weighed less (also given some) and they are now too tight for what I am comfortable in. So I have decided I am going to lose 5 -7 lbs, see if the clothes fit then and how I feel, and then aim at maintaining that weight. I am also committing to exercise (something I haven't done up to now, at least not really). My goal before had a lot to do with my appearance. This time my goal is because I have been decluttering my house and I want to get rid of a lot of clothes keeping only what I like and wear. And I really want to wear the newer clothes I got and get rid of a lot of the rest. So by losing the weight, sitting at one size a while, I am planning on then being able to commit to that weight and size.
It is time for the exercise commitment. I am proud to have finally made it. I kept lamenting what I couldn't do anymore rather than just commit to what I could do. So this is where I am at. Been busy decluttering my house, cleaning and getting things more into order. Still downtown with the homeless along with my elderly friends, loving God and staying in His Word.
Monday, April 28, 2014
I just read your blog and recognize many of the struggles. It is hard when we are hurt. Especially when we have gotten to a place where things seem to be going so well physically and then the rug gets pulled out from under us. Sometimes it helps me to know I am not alone - that others have struggles similar to mine (that really, she thinks that way too kindof relief knowing I am not totally alone in my craziness). So here goes, hoping this might help if even for a few minutes.
Daily I need to be drinking kefir which is mainly milk turned into a huge probiotic factory. Necessary according to the doctors - and also due to my vanity which cannot abide the large cyst like sores that cover my face when I don't drink it. The problem is the milk - I stopped drinking milk in my teens after discovering the amount of calories in it - no way was I going to waste part of my daily allotment on milk. During my pregnancies I got in the dairy - mainly thru ice cream! So now I have to drink the kefir milk - and not only does it interfere with my weight - I don't like it! I am up to a full packet of truvia added along with whatever else helps me camouflage the taste. What is most beneficial - two glasses a day. I am drinking one (which sometimes gets skipped). I really dislike part of my calories a day are kefir. Are you kidding me? I'm struggling not gaining back my weight and then I have to add this in? But if I don't, my problems get bigger...so I just finished my daily glass now, trying to convince myself I kindof like it (maybe more truvia?).
What else convinces me to drink it? I think it might help with the walking somewhat and the pain in my feet. I'm not too sure - maybe the calcium, magnesium mix. I try to keep the pain down, obviously. I also try not to think about the plans I had to try and recover some of my upper body, because now having difficulty walking along with pain there can be a little overwhelming. I do find myself thinking of how Joe and I hiked all these sedona mts. - what a great time we had, and that now all we need to do is get ourselves back in shape. I thought that before about my upper body - but returning to where I once was never happened even with hours of daily work. One side can't. And even as Joe and I pushed ourselves today (free passes to the zoo), lots of sitting and now we are home, resting after only a few hours and I wonder what is possible physically - what will our bodies allow even with the work? And as I feel the depression generated by these thoughts, I remind myself of why I am grateful. I am alive, my husband is alive, we did go the zoo, I am up and about (and I sure wasn't this time last year). And I can change my thoughts, I can have good feelings, I can do this (Joe having been a very good listener and teacher last year when it was a lot harder - he reminded me a lot when I would be so frustrated with all the pain and limitations how much worst it had been). It does help to know how much worst it all could be - from my first accident, I shouldn't be able to hold my body up. Then from this antibiotic poisoning, many are so much worst then I am (the horror stories are almost unbelievable). So I don't think a lot about tomorrow (on purpose I push those thoughts away) - and I trust God, a lot! I think about all the things He has gotten me through - and I enjoy the beauty He has created around me on this deck. I do plan ahead - I am much more involved in areas I think that He has taken me serving others (and surprisingly the physical limitations are much less when I am serving others). Yes, I am reminded daily when I look in the mirror at the muscle wasting and the clothes getting tighter, but I try to remind myself daily also how small timewise that is compared to the wonderful feelings that come from being part of His plan (if I were brave enough I would get rid of my mirrors). A scripture that has come more and more real for me over the years is Matt 6:33 "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness..." and honestly, the blessings He continues to pour on me are so much greater than the losses. And He truly does "work all things together for good to those who are called according to His plan." My path has changed so many times along the way and it is so comforting to know He is also there, always taking me thru, always getting me to the other side. And having friends who listen, who care, most importantly pray for me...just know I am praying for you and will continue to do so.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
While I was losing weight, I learned how I was going to continue losing weight. I actually got pretty good at it, and met a weight loss goal that I had set just to see if I could. I wasn't sure what weight I wanted as a permanent goal, though I was pretty sure that I wasn't going to stay at such a low weight. Slowly I have passed the weight I thought I might aim for, and have continued to climb (though once it hit 10 lbs, I quickly brought it back to 5 lbs and have learned how easily my weight fluctuates). Still, the scale has increased, clothes I purchased while on sale for the season ahead are now tight, and I am not happy at the trend.
What I need now is to answer the question of how I am going to maintain my weight within a certain range? I know that tracking worked previously, but I don't find myself making that commitment now. I think that what is needed is to seriously decide what I am willing to commit to in order to maintain my weight. I may need to get some help medically as there appears to be a low blood glucose issue which possible contributes to my sugar cravings. I learned how much a vitamin d, magnesium, vit b12 deficiency affected my emotions and life, so it is easier for me to realize now that low glucose might also be affecting me. Anyways, I realize now that I am going to have to put in the work to determine how to maintain this weight in order to break this upward trend.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
This Easter week has me reflecting on the mission of Jesus Who came "to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,
To preach the acceptable year of the Lord." How He laid down His life that each of us might have eternal life and life more abundant. That now He desires to live His life thru me and all those who believe in Him that His mission to reach the lost for His Father's kingdom is carried on thru us. Therefore my mission is the same as His - as is each person's who have accepted Him as Lord and Savior. It is important that my goals line up with this mission. Taking care of my body, feeding it well and exercising, are important so that I am in good health able to complete the mission entrusted to me. When I am cranky, fatigued (a common result of me eating sugar, empty carbs), it is hard to represent the love of Jesus to others. Jesus finished His mission -" I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." That is the race each of us is called to run.
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