Saturday, September 29, 2012
Ok, before you read any further I use my blog as a whine and complain post, so don't keep reading. Hec, I am feeling sad today. Not that 5 year old type of sad, I mean that deep down, still and quiet type of sad. Like you wanna try something then say forget it, oh well. I volunteered to help with a race today. I can say that while I have always wanted to run like that, I don't. I dont envy those people who are in pain and tired. When I work out I like it afterwards (not running though), but I just dont anymore. And thats sad, because I used to be an honest to gosh gym rat. Now I am fat. My shirts are feeling tight all the time. The scale said I was supposedly 127, but this was an old abused gym scale. I was using stumble upon today, and it can across an artist who did pictures of my home area. I recognized EVERYTHING even though it was in the wilderness. I miss it so much. I want to go home. I don't know why though. All the activities, all the people I knew, all the excitement is gone. Oh sure the organization and the people are still largely there, but I am a visitor now. Just someone they humor. All the people, with the exclusion of two, that I know havent talked to me in a month. Some I have called 5 times. Why am I bothering? I mean, I know WHY, but still. In a way, those people are part of why I moved 2000 miles away to somewhere I dont like. So ya, between always feeling (and being) fat, ugly AND stupid (found this out two years ago), I am batting 100. I wish I could change. I dont know what to do anymore. And please, dont say I am beautiful if you did read this far. You havent seen me, and it just makes it feel so much more like a joke.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Hey y'all. I just wanted to say thank you for the support you have shown on my last blog. I can't really say that it was a "moment" but usually it is not THAT intense. So, back to now. I have been sick, so I have stayed out of the gym for about a week or so. I slept instead. Today I was just rushed and didn't go for the jog that I wanted to, but thats ok, spin class tomorrow :) Other than that it has just been tests and flying. My classes are ok. I am getting about B's this year. Guess you have to trade off stuff to make it through in one piece. Flying has been great though. My instructor let me do a downwind operation, which you don't do for another 2 or 3 classes ahead of me. He even let me do my solo flight today in high winds. I am a bit conservative, but I found it wasn't so bad. Momma sent me cookies she baked. She hasn't done that in the 1.2 years I have been up here, so even though I had eaten a store bought cookie for dessert today, I had one of mommas homeade ones. I think the diet gods will forgive me. Other than that, I have another boat load of tests this week (four last week with a cold, two this week without one). Dad got his gallbladder removed last week unexpectedly, so I felt guilty that I couldn't be there to help. Here is to a good tomorrow.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Ok, I am gonna whine and play the worlds smallest fiddle. I sucked today...bad. really REALLY really bad. My flight just was shot to the boonies. Couldnt do anything right. My instructor is frustrated with me. Wanted to cry for embarrasement. Ground lesson instead of flying. Ya, I have a pilots license and I cant do a correct approach. I feel fricking worthless. Just the empty type of worthless, you know? Ate two apples extra today. Figures. Went to the gym and worked on the heavy bag for half an hour. After I took the gloves off I noticed blood has seeped through my wraps. Thats good. Huge bruise most likely on my shin from kicking (kickboxing), also good. Friction rubs on my forearms from elbowing it. Awesome. Coming home and realizing that after bleeding, sweating, barely being able to move the next day, blisters on palms, dragging yourself to the gym and trying to eat healthy that your still fat, not awesome. Hec, I am in college and cant even get anyone desperate enough to hit on me. I have been either A) the only female in class or B) one of two females in class for two years now, and the only thing that ever happened was one of the guys I kick around with asked my room mate out on a date. Oooh, figures. Now I get why the boss at the pool told me I was ugly after telling all the others they were hot. Great, now I am about to cry.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Hi again! Well, three weeks or so back in school, about a week since my last post. I am doing pretty good. Still going to spin classes and did a nine mile charity bike ride. Flying has been off and on. Fricking wind or maintnance has been the issue. Oh well, what can you do about it. Did some touch down autos, my first ones. I get fitted with my O2 gear tomorrow for my first hypoxic chamber flight. Soooo looking forward to it, have been for a long time. Food wise though I have been kinda wavering. I drink a LOT, but not water. So I have been buying tea or something to drink, which is costing a bit. That and soda. I am drinking like 2 cans of (diet) soda a day. Have tried multiple times to get rid of the habit or subbing it for carbonated flavored water, still nothing. Being at the airport constantly during meal times and in between classes is a problem too. I eat a pb sandwich for lunch almost everyday. Hopefully I wont gain 8 pounds in a month off of that...and sugar. I crave sugar all the time. Have been trying to deal with it by buying annies gingersnap bunnies or barbras whole wheat all fruit fig cookies, but I always want more sugar throughout the day (two fig bars at lunch, marshmellow fluff on a pb sandwich, you know...). Well, guess thats it. Hmm, what am I gonna do to fix that?
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Well, here I am, back again for another school year. My summer was great. I was able to go hang out with friends and family and have an awesome summer in general. So, I have been trying to do new activities at the gym. I cut my hair short this summer since I went to Zion, so I decided to get back on the rowing machine. My hair was so long that it used to get caught! Well, after 40 minutes (my goal WAS an hour) I could barely uncurl my body! I had a wallop of a blister on my hand, and felt pretty awesome in general (seriously!). Today I went to the Cycling for a Cause class that school has all year long. I admit, I kinda thought I hated biking in general, but since I brought my bike up here I am starting to enjoy it. Same with the cycling class. I wanted to hurl, but it was such fun. The REALLY exciting part was when I thought I was gonna have to deliver a baby in the gym bathroom (Yes, you read that right). I got my EMR over the summer and at that point, I was it for being the highest on the food chain medically speaking. Uhh, I wished that I had my jump kit with me! Thank God and Greyhound that I saw the EMT's coming up the stairs when I was going in. Kinda dissapointed though I will admit. So anyway my dog died two days ago, which caused me to have a horrid flight, which made me late to class, which made me want ice cream. Instead I had a healthy PB sandwich for lunch and a small choco. froyo cone. So, yay me there. Ok, see you tomorrow!
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