MISSJACQUE   16,581
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Reflections

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The last 7 days have been amazing for me. So much learned, let go of and learning to deal with having no vehicle. Though it only registers as a 2lb loss here at SP, I actually lost 4 lbs as I had gained since I last posted my weight here.

The learning part: I've added another avenue of support/motivation by joining Jillian Michaels website. I love it here at SP but found I needed more. So far food wise, I've been pretty much able to follow her plans and the family have been liking what is cooked. That's one of the good things, the kids have always been open to trying new foods. It's something we instilled from day one with them - try one piece, don't like it fine, like it have more. :o) I've learned that I MUST eat on a schedule otherwise I blow my calories for the day - even with good foods.
*I've discovered that in a normal day I burn approx. 300 calories and when I add exercise I can push more than a 1000 calorie burn. I downloaded Jillian's iPhone app. I like it as it has the option for my armband rather than having to be clipped to my pants all the time like the others I've tried. Don't know how accurate it is but I don't mind when I see I am over 500 for the day and I still have time in the day left to add to that. So I've set mini goals daily of hitting 500 calories burned on it and when I reach it, I challenge myself to see how high I can get it for that day and use that as a sort of "beat that" challenge for the next day.
*I have a emotional pop issue. When some people run for food, I run for a pop. I need to really make more of an effort to keep that *stuff* out of my body and find better ways to deal with my emotional drinking.

Let go of: My sister said something the other day I had not noticed. My self-esteem is coming back. She said she can hear it in my voice. I thought about it and she's right. I've been more vocal on my opinion and have been discussing more with the hubby issues that have been going on. Over the years I let things/people (comments) in the past dictate who I was. Those things were not and are not me and those people who said them, don't matter anyway. They never did and I gave to much power to them. I will not allow myself or my family to be anyone's door mat anymore! It goes for family too. I have enough stress in my life, I don't need to take on anyone else's. We are discussing how we will deal with some of these "outside" stresses as it will probably put a strain if not completely break a couple of family relationships. But for our sanity and maybe even help the others involved, it has to be done.

As for the vehicle, the rad is on order. Hopefully when it comes in it is the right one and can be installed by the end of the weekend. It has been trying to be without the car. I think it's more the knowing I don't have it available IF I wanted to go somewhere( we're 20 minutes from town) rather than actually needing to go out. I hate (and I know I shouldn't) but I hate having to rely on the hubby to take me into town. Even more I hate borrowing the nephew's vehicle. I have it for the next two days so I can do my running around and then they need it back to go away for the weekend. Fingers are crossed that it rains this weekend if the car isn't fixed so I don't have to rent a car to go to the market. It's been a little stressful dealing with the no vehicle thing but I'm dealing alot better now then I would have before I started this journey.

Goals for the rest of August:

1. Stay in my calorie range.

2. Exercise every day in some way. On days off, I need to take a walk or do something fun with the kids/family. Something light but active and fun.

3. Be more proactive on my grocery planning. Start doing it on Wednesdays so I'm not rushing around on Thursday mornings - leading to poor food choices.

4. Log a 500 calorie burn everyday at minimum.

5. Eat on my 4 hour schedule, carry food with me to help with that so I never have a bad day like yesterday.

I think that's it for now...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KUDLBNY 8/11/2010 9:37AM

    Great goals. They will get you to your goal.

Keep up the good work.

Kudlbny emoticon

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Time Flies

Friday, August 06, 2010

Can't believe I haven't been to SparkPeople since June. Falling off the wagon would be an understatement. It was more like I jumped off the wagon and ran the other way. Things that had been building got way out of control and I couldn't take anymore. Things are still bad in some areas, but we're working through what we can.

One of the big stress issues was my mother in-law. Sadly but thankfully she passed away on July 31. She was in such pain in the last 2 weeks it was unbearable for all of us. After the BBQ she went down hill really quick, which was very stressful for all of us but hubby naturally was taking it hard but he was taking it out on everyone around him. Needless to say it threatened our marriage and to some extent I believe it did damage to his relationship with the kids. He's got alot of work ahead to repair the damage done.

This has been a very trying summer with the kids. It's one of the first years where we couldn't afford camps for them so they've been with me 24/7. Driving me nuts...lets go here, lets go there. And with the price of gas, ain't happening even though I drive a hybrid which is great on gas, just no money for it. Other than soccer once a week, they don't do much. This has been a bad season for DH at work and with all the stress and such he's been under he's taken alot of time off. Which hasn't helped our relationship either since he lays on the couch and growls at everyone.

I'd been saving up to put my '99 Blazer on the road but we decided that the kids needed to do something this summer so we used the money I had saved for the truck to do something. Maybe next spring it will be on the road. But it was so worth it, at least I think so. We went to Niagara Falls for a night, Mom was in the hospital and we were waiting for "the" call. Of course we did Maid of the Mist and those sorts of things, went to the Beck Generating Plant, walked the nature trail between the Plant and the Butterfly Conservatory (about 4km walk).



The trip was the fresh start I needed. I ate well - stayed in the lower range of my calories, was pretty good at staying hydrated and we walked almost everywhere we could. I didn't even think about wearing my pedometer, wish I had so I could see how well I had done, but I have a good idea! I came home fresh and ready to commit to myself on making the changes I need to get to the lifestyle I want.

Right after we got back from Niagara Falls the car died. The rad went and swapped fluids with the transmission. Thankfully we have a tranny mechanic in the family who loves being his Aunt's hero. He came, pulled out the rad and took it to see if it's fixable or get a new one. As far as he could see, no damage done to the tranny but we won't know for sure till we can run it. I'm driving one of our nephew's gas guzzler and hating it. If the car is off the road for a bit, we have discussed seeing if renting would be cheaper.

Exercise is on the back burner right now. Almost three weeks ago, I dropped one of my market folding tables on my sandal clad foot trying to get it in the car. It didn't look to bad, so we thought it was just swollen and bruised. Went to Niagara Falls, did all that walking, not a problem with it. Wednesday night walking back to the car from the beach my foot started to hurt. Yesterday I could barely put weight on it. But life must go on, it's grocery day and I had running around to do. Well by the time we got home, I couldn't walk with out wanting to cry. Found out, I cracked two metatarsal bones (the bones that basically attach the toes to the foot) on top which created a issues with the big toe metatarsal on the bottom. Only thing to do is rest and wrap it when I'm on it. My DD has been great. I spent most of the afternoon with my foot up, DD helped me make dinner and the evening was spent at our nephew's with my foot up while we visited. This morning it feels alot better, I can put some weight on it. I wrapped it and with my runners on, there's barely any pain. I can get some other running around done today. I'll have to take it easy for a few more days, light walking to start and work up again to running.

Because of my MIL passing away, I took the week off of the business side of soaping. I needed the break to restock the shelves anyway, but we've pretty much been at Dad's beck and call. But with the car dying I lost out of the long weekend business last weekend. Hopefully we can make some of it up this weekend.

Time to get my day up and running. Need to clean the house up a bit before we head out. Have to go see what decision has been made about the rad for the car, and pick up some things for the soap room...I love my new soap room! Pictures coming soon...

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

XTMONT 8/6/2010 11:22AM

    I'm so impressed on how you've stayed strong, kept your head up, and didn't get totally off the rails considering everything you've been dealing with. You're an inspiration.

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LANGES21 8/6/2010 10:32AM

    You have had quite a summer. Just remember, like all of us need to...that brownie is not going to solve the problem. Hang in there. One day at a time. Your kids are beautiful!

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LOOZINITNOW 8/6/2010 10:29AM

    Sorry about the passing of your MIL. I know how you feel with the kids being at home all summer. I'm ready to go crazy! Two more weeks! The important thing is that you are back. emoticon

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ICETHISTLE 8/6/2010 9:39AM

    Sorry to hear about your MIL and the resulting family stress, but I do hope things get better!
emoticon

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Quick Update on the Relay

Friday, June 11, 2010

Thank you all for your encouragement and support. It really helped me get through the day. And all that anxiety and worrying was really for nothing. It went great! Right from the start I felt welcomed and part of the team. I also met up with some other parents and teachers from our school and was invited to join their teams next year. The hardest part was when asked if I had lost someone to cancer or was I a survivor and telling them about my MIL who is loosing the fight.

Tomorrow we go to the in-laws for the family get together. No farmers' market for me as it's going to be heavy rain/thunderstorms. Better to stay home rather than chance ruining all that soap.

Again, thank you all for the support, I really needed it today.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOOZINITNOW 6/11/2010 11:44PM

    Glad to hear it went wonderfully!

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I Need To Change My Mindset

Friday, June 11, 2010

I hate my mindset. Over the years I have started to worry about what others think about me and that adds to the worry about embarrassing myself. I know when it started, it's slid in there over the years and took away from my confidence and self-esteem, and I've been trying to change it but it's so hard to get rid of that little voice. The one that tells you what others are probably saying about you, the one that puts doubt into everything your doing. I've spent so many years purposely avoiding people so I wouldn't have to deal with those feelings.
Last summer I took the hugh step of putting myself out there by joining the farmers' market to sell my soaps. I spent most of the season worrying about what others thought as I felt and still do to an extent that my soaps are a reflection of me. It took almost the full 15 weeks we were there for me to have it stick in my head that it was okay if some didn't like the soaps, that didn't mean they didn't like me, they just didn't like the soap. I get this same feeling when I'm out walking or trying to run. I worry about what people think when they see me and I worry about making or looking like a complete idiot. And I know better, that's the worst part. I'm a slow, fat, runner - I'm going to look like an idiot to some people because the world is full of people who feel it is okay to vocalize their opinions/thoughts. Volunteering with the VON, has been easier. Maybe cause it's one on one and in their home, not in front of the "whole world" and they are happy to see me as I'm there to help them. Yes I had the thoughts but nothing like I normally get. I thought I was succeeding at overcoming this.
I was wrong.
Today is our local Cancer Relay For Life. I volunteered a few weeks ago for this thinking no big deal, you've been doing great. I'm going to be at the registration tent. Not a hard job, just lots of interaction with other adults. This morning I've been sitting here with that little voice saying "what the heck was I thinking, I can't do this. I'm going to embarrass and make a complete a$$ out of myself". I'm behind a registration desk, how much of an a$$ can I make... My stomach hurts already, I'm close to tears at the thought of going and I don't have to be there for another 8 hours. I know it's fear of the unknown added in. I haven't volunteered for something like this and it's in my town with people I met, some I have seen around and many I've never met. I know I won't let the organizers down, I will be there to do my part but I hate this part. And I feel like I'm letting myself down when I feel like this cause in the back of my mind I know it will all be fine and I will enjoy myself this evening. But I would like to feel great for the day to instead of feeling like I'm ruining the day. I just need to learn how to get over this worrying/fear part. Any suggestions are always welcome. I'm filling the day with laundry, the treadmill and making soap. I think if I keep busy maybe that will help till I have to leave at least.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ADYLEIGH 6/11/2010 1:48PM

    Most people in the world are too busy and self-concerned to consider other people. If they do see you and make a quick judgment they most likely will have forgotten it seconds later to move on to the next judgment of someone else. Those who do take the time to notice you are probably doing it for the right reasons and are the people you want in your life.
I'd rather have a heavy good-hearted friend (like one who volunteers at the VON) than a skinny self-centered one.
I don't know what makes you think you will ruin the day, unless you plan on setting the place on fire or something (which I suggest you don't do), but because you are volunteering your time for a good cause you are only making the day better. emoticon

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SOFTPRO 6/11/2010 9:53AM

    Do you want to know what I think when I see a "fat" person run or jog?? I say...wow!! Look at all the courage and determination this person has...it takes alot of guts to get ourselves out there and show the world that we can do this. Heck a skinny person may even not be able to keep up with you!
Try not to worry about what others think about you...its how YOU think about you that counts. Running and/or walking is done for YOU and will make you feel better as you continue your journey to weight loss....then others will say...wow! look at her, she`s fabulous!!! emoticon

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SHELBYBEAR 6/11/2010 9:16AM

    I understand that feeling totally. I hope you can keep busy and then go cause I know you will do fine. You don't have to be perfect, just be there and do your best. What a sense of accomplishment you will have when you get done!

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LOOZINITNOW 6/11/2010 9:02AM

    emoticon emoticon

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IOWAGAL1957 6/11/2010 8:45AM

    just keep doing little things and i hope it will get easier for you!

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KYLIE.LANDIS 6/11/2010 8:06AM

    It was like your writing about my life. I feel like that all the time, especially places where I should feel most comfortable. Something I have noticed that helps me is having a workout buddy and having someone to connect with. I have 2 women I walk 3 mi. with Monday, Tuesday, and Friday and I'm the heaviest out of us, but being there with them and talking with them I realized that they think there's just as much wrong with them as I think is wrong with me. I guess what I'm saying is knowing that most women are unhappy with the way they look makes it easier for me to go out and put a smile on my face and not worry about what I think others may think of me.
I hope that made sense. emoticon

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Update...

Monday, June 07, 2010

Since the first farmers' market opened May 23 I've been super busy. I never thought I would sell as much as I have. Almost every week I have 1-2 soaps I sell out of. I hope my new soap mold gets here soon - it makes 30 bars at at time instead of the 9 I currently make with my main mold.
Most days I can't tell you where the time goes. Over these last weeks I haven't gotten out for a walk. Didn't help we had a heat wave and I was pretty much stuck in the house. Even with my asthma meds the air was just to heavy to do much, even putting laundry on the line was breath taking. :) It didn't help I was refusing to turn on the a/c (don't want to up the hydro bill) so even our basement was to warm to workout in. Food wise, during the heat I did pretty good, lots of bbqing and veggies. This last week, not so great. We ate out alot and not good choices. There's just so much of Subway one can take. I was able to do well all day but then dinnertime would hit. I've just been burnt out where cooking is concerned, actually I've been feeling run off my feet between my soap business (making, selling, trying to get new stores on board),I'm finishing up with volunteer stuff with the school, the house/family. We have one last council meeting tonight and then we're done for the summer. Also, hubby got the news this week that my mother in-law who has esophagus cancer had gotten her test results back. It's are not good. The radiation/chemo didn't work and there is no hope for surgery. The doctors aren't even considering a second round of radiation/chemo. They've told her to get her affairs in order. She's not saying how long they gave her. We are having a family get together this weekend while she's feeling up to having everyone over.

This week I'm trying to focus on getting back into walking. It's cooler temps for sure this week so that will help. It is looking like another jam packed week with very little breathing room. But I need to focus on eating better and getting out of the house for a walk at least. I need to start taking control again rather than letting it slide out of control.

Though my posting may be few and far between, I am still here at SP. I try to read the blogs and read through my groups though I find I run out of time to post anything. I'm working/plugging away at staying on course. As of this morning, my weight is 244.4. I've been up and down but I know with renewed focus I can get it moving steadily back down.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STOPTHECRAVING 6/10/2010 4:46PM

    So sorry to hear about your MIL. My Grandmother is in a state that is quite similar. It is hard. Love on her while you can.

Your business sounds so cool! I've never tried making soap. Is it hard? Do you make different scents/types?

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SHELBYBEAR 6/9/2010 5:47AM

    So sorry about your MIL. Take care of yourself too. I know you will get things back on track!

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