Monday, December 28, 2009
I've struggled, oh heck I didn't even try over the last 2 weeks. No exercise, no will power, no desire, didn't always track my intake, ate what I wanted, drank wayyy to much pop and listened to the hubby nag about what was passing my lips. I was moody, felt cruddy, tired and just unmotivated to even leave the house. When I tracked I was in the high side of my range. I know I had days where I was over and over big, like yesterday - those days I didn't track at all giving the excuse I was too busy to but really I was afraid to see the numbers. I've avoided chocolates like the plague this season, I was given some yesterday. I opened it with the best of intentions, but one lead to two, then three till I had eaten about 8. I felt like garbage after, and beat myself up for about a half hour - after the hubby was done putting his two cents in. While I sat there staring at the box I came to the complete understanding - I had been lying to myself. I had lied to myself about how I was doing and making excuses along the way to cover up those lies. I have to work hard to stop that. What lessons did I come away with???
1. Not to beat myself up over it. Things happen so I need to work on moderation rather than avoidance.
2. Need to get hubby to understand or at least stop nagging/"beating" me up over it or things will need to be said he won't like. I can't do this if he's going to be negative at every stumble.
3. Take one day at a time. I can't undo yesterday, I can't control what hasn't come. I can only work through today and try to make the best choices I can at that moment.
4. Stop making excuses. I've been saying that exercise isn't possible since my son came home cause he's currently sleeping in the rec room. Well, that 18 yr old doesn't need to be out to all hours of the night and sleep all day keeping me from exercising or even just doing laundry. He doesn't like it, he can help clean out his room and get it ready for his return. It'll get done faster that way leaving me more time for the rest of the house. And if he still doesn't like it, well he's free to leave. He's an adult (as he keeps reminding us) and needs to understand that Mom needs to do this for her and it will benefit the entire family - a happy Mom is a happy household. My self image has held me back long enough and I will not let anyone hold me hostage to it. Not him, not the hubby, not me! Only I am at fault for what ever passes these lips and I need to be more accountable for it cause it was to easy to just not track rather than face the naughty. I need to concentrate more on what I put to my mouth and ask myself if it is a benefit or a hindrance to my weight loss/health goals.
5. I need to de-clutter my house which in turn will help de-clutter my life. I have a lot of "memories" collecting dust and reminding me of past failures/dreams sitting around this house. It's time to pack them up and get them out of here. I have to create a positive place to not only learn and grow but to accept, see and love the "NEW" me. I can't do that if I see things that make me feel/believe I am a failure.
Today needs to be that fresh break from my past, no waiting on 2010 to come and doing it then. Time to start so that when 2010 comes, I'm there - positive and ready to take on the challenges that lay ahead on this journey, I know there will be many. I need to leave 2009 and all the other past years of "failure" behind me and start completely fresh. New outlook, new energy, new mindset = new me.
Today, I need to take down the tree/decorations, maybe even go to the dollar store and get some New Year decorations and this time, stay up and welcome in 2010 and all the wonderful things that are to come throughout it rather than go to bed and hide from the "yet another year of ____ gone" pity party that I normally do.
Need to clean out closets/cupboards that have been neglected for far to long, like since we moved in 5 yrs ago. Yup, there are still boxes that haven't been unpacked. That stuff needs to hit the garbage or Sally Ann. Obviously we either don't need it or have replaced it.
This week marks the planning week for the farmers markets. I need to inventory all the soap downstairs, start figuring out labels and what soaps I still need to make. I'm being ambitious this year and planning to do 3 to 4 markets this season - Fri, Sat, Sun, and Mondays. That equals a lot of soap. It will put a huge cramp in making soap being gone 4 days a week, on top of taking the courses I want to take. It's doable, I believe in myself (just have to keep saying that over and over again). I look forward to going back to the markets and seeing all my vendor friends and customers again, joining the organic CSA this year from one of the farm vendors. Their veggies were the best at the market and even the kids ate everything I bought and they learned about heritage veggies at the same time. When people were lined up for sausages and fries, we were eating fresh picked veggies.
In the coming days I'm going to sit down with paper and pen and figure out some goals for 2010. When done I'll post them. For now, off to do housework and head into town for those decorations.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Last night I got my resurgence/motivation while watching The Biggest Loser updates. And at the same time decided I wanted to take course wise from the correspondence school - fitness and nutrition. I've been trying to figure out if I should do something I want to do or just take courses to update my resume and get back to work. I've always been interested in nutrition and alternative therapies, especially for dogs and cats. But for the last few years since I started going to the spa to get my nails done, I have wanted to learn more about massage, reflexology and such. So to start, I'll take this correspondence course to get me through the winter and then I'll see about taking some massage courses when the weather is better. I can't see me being a registered massage therapist (2 yrs full-time in school for that) but the spa I go to only has one on staff anyway, everyone else that do the massages takes the courses that I'm looking at. So we'll see what happens. But if nothing else this course should give me more knowledge and confidence in what I'm doing. And who knows with my own success (I will lose this weight!), maybe I can even do something like weight loss consulting.
Think I found out what has been souring my mood lately - TOM. Now that it's half over, I'm in much better spirits. I'm almost done my Christmas shopping. I hate having to do it pay cheque to pay cheque but at least it's only little things to get tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it where a few days ago I was ready to say I was done even though I knew I wasn't. I still have a lot of wrapping to do. It's hard to do with the kids home. Though they are old enough to "know", it still hasn't stopped my daughter's excitement and snooping so everything has been hidden but I've been in bed asleep before her so no wrapping when she's in bed, she's just so excited she can't sleep.
I love having my son home! After Christmas we will be sitting down with him to see what he wants to do whether he's staying or going back out west. He's not sure, all he knows is he's broke and back under our roof where he doesn't really want to be (cramping his independence). The only down side is I'm not able to exercise on my schedule. I'm a morning exerciser. By 9am I'm down on the treadmill or Turbo Jamming but with him home and sleeping in front of the treadmill/tv, I have to wait till almost 2 or 3 in the afternoon. By then I am either not home, in the middle of other things or just can't bring myself to. So for now, I've put exercise on hold till after Christmas. Once Christmas is over, I'll be home more and hopefully more open to afternoon exercise.
One thing to note... last night we had fire trucks, ambulance and police cruisers go flying by with lights on. We live in a seasonal area (lots of cottages) and not much happens at this time of year. We have an older gentleman that lives up the street. He has no family and we go up for tea and he stops by here. Well last year he fell while shoveling his driveway and we didn't know till spring that it happened. Since then we have been keeping an eye on him even more. When he doesn't walk by - he walks daily - we go up and visit to make sure he's not sick or hurt. So last night I panicked thinking something was wrong and got dressed and headed up the road with my 12 yr old son. Thankfully it wasn't him, it turned out to be a party with a bonfire out of control and someone got burned. When we got home my son looked at me and said "Mom, your not having an asthma attack". He was right! I didn't think about it till then, but I just ran up the road which is also a hill and walked back without needing my inhaler, in the cold! It's the small things like that, that are showing me I'm on the right track. Two months ago, I couldn't have done that. I would have been gasping for warm air as the cold air is a trigger, not alone running. The weight may be slow coming off but the other benefits are becoming more noticeable.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
This has been the most challenging week. I've been stressed with worry over my oldest son driving home, Christmas shopping to still be done, the school fundraiser. I've made okay food choices, some not so good choices, but I haven't exercised this week at all unless you count shopping as exercise.
I weighed myself today, I was to tired on Friday, I'm down 2 pounds. I'll take it considering the week I've had.
My oldest is home safe and sound. He called us Thursday at 11:30 at night to tell us he was 2 1/2 hours from home and out of gas and money. So off we went with gas cans to help him out. It was a very long night and Friday was even longer..lol.
Today we have to go to my sister's for our Christmas dinner with her. She's been really good about food choices when she found out about me changing my eating habits. She asked what I wanted, so I suggested my favourite veggies which I found out she listened and is making them all. Her hubby is ecstatic, she doesn't usually make him anything but corn and peas. I've already added the food and how much I think I will eat into the tracker. So far even with breakfast I'm doing pretty good. Then after dinner I will change the amounts if need be. But I have an idea of how much I can eat and where I can add more if I want.
My exercise program has to change a little seeing as my son is sleeping on the couch in the rec room in front of the treadmill right now. And like all 18 yr olds he sleeps most of the day...lol.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
It's white out there. In 2 days we have gotten about a foot and a half of snow if not more and it's still snowing. Up top of us it's closer to 3' of snow, the benefits of this valley and being so close to the water the snow squalls miss us normally. But I still look outside and think, yuk. Only 3 to 3 1/2 months left of it.
The cookies are gone, delivered them to the school yesterday afternoon. I admit I had one. I wound up having to make 2 batches thanks to a dog that decided to counter-surf..lol. She ate about 20 before she was caught the little brat. So there was extras for the family when I was done. Hubby kept saying they didn't taste right, well I can't send them to school if there was something wrong with them. So I tried one, the thing that was wrong was the peppermint extract I used instead of vanilla. Man is taste buds are off - must be all that dang salt he consumes. I have to say though, I did not want to stuff myself with them. Tonight is the fundraiser, I should be good as long as I spend all my money at the silent auction, then I won't have any to spend on cookies..lol.
I haven't done much in the exercise department the last couple of days. Instead of going on the treadmill, I've used that time to go outside and play with the dogs. It was a great feeling to pull on the snow pants that have always been a bit tight, to find them baggy and are almost falling down. I'll make due with them this year. I guess I've lost some inches seeing as the scale is sitting at 242.
Food wise, I've been skipping meals for some reason. It just slips my mind to eat and my body isn't telling me it's hungry. I realize I missed lunch at around 2 when the tv automatically turns on to switch to my afternoon show. I have to make more of an effort to pay attention to the time.
I would like to ask that you keep my 18 yr old son in your thoughts and prayers. He is driving home from Saskatchewan, a 25 hour drive. He was leaving early this morning so he could be back in Ontario and at a friend's house up north by tonight and then home tomorrow night.
Better get my day going, have to go snow blow the driveway seeing as the plow just went by so I can head into town to put time on the 18 yr old's pay-as-u-go phone and get winter boots for the 12 yr son as he's decided that he's not to "mature" for them. I just love this age...not. LOL
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